[Angelsonggd]

I'm 27. A year ago I got married to an amazing husband but I have major issues. My mother gave me up for adoption to her grandparents and resented them for not giving me back 13 years later when I was a settled, stable young girl. She always hated my grandparents and thinks they poisoned my mind. She told me stories about them and they told me stories about her. I don't know who to believe and what is the truth.

Keep in mind, these parents that raised me... they are alcoholics and my grandfather was very abusive to his children(or so she told me). He calmed down when I grew up and never raised a hand against me so even that, I don't know if it's true or not. They were still alcoholics and got into some horrible fights late at night when I was curled up in my bed. Because of the alcoholism of my grandmother and the depression we have in our family line, at 17 I began looking for a release... I used razor blades.

I still do it now. It's hard for me to stop. I moved to another country because my mother wanted to get to know me. Barely three weeks into my arrival she tried to commit suicide and she'd been doing that a lot but it's always because someone makes her upset and she often phones ahead when she does it so it's attention seeking behavior. I have a younger brother as well, he grew up with her so he's very much like her.

Ever since I lived here she's done awful things to me. She tore up my writing(Its my passion to write books), she's called me fat, she's called me selfish and spiteful and she sent me to sleep with a 50 year old me... so she could get residencia papers for the family... It's sounds so... unbelievable... I'm wondering if I dreamed it all...

I keep going back to her whenever we have a fight. It's only when I got married that I cut all ties with her. She's had many men in the time I've been here and she keeps saying they hit her, abused her and all sorts. I was there to help her out each time while my brother went back to our own country. I even took responsibility for her when she attempted suicide and they wanted to lock her up. There's a lot of history.

It was hard enough cutting all ties the first time. A family friend and I remained close but he was one of her ex's and clearly in love with her. I'm on my own here. I never really had someone to give me advice. One or both of my grandparents were always either drunk or dismissive. I turned to this family friend and told him everything and he told me that he felt used by her because she kept coming back for money (while with a boyfriend at the time). Because I love this family friend like a father, I protected him by showing him the truth (pictures of her with her boyfriend that my hubby got off the net).

And here's where it begins. She and my husband got into an argument over E-mail where she tried to make my name rubbish. Turns out she knew EVERYTHING I told the father figure I trusted. He told her everything and in the E-mails they sent back and forth he's calling me a when he called her the same thing.

My hubby said the E-mails might have been doctored by her but who can I trust now? They said some pretty damn awful things about me. My mother even said that she wished she had never given birth to me.

This is what hurts the most of all...

How do I get over this? How do I move on? I feel like turning to the blade again. I feel like I could murder her! She keeps telling everyone I'm a liar... Is she mentally ill with something other than depression? Please help me understand this cause even the person I turned to as a surrogate seems to have betrayed me... I'm so hurt. It's like losing her all over again and how can anyone love me if my own mother wishes I was never born?

[Jake2008]

You are certainly going through a living hell right now.

It is more likely than not that your grandparents gained custody of you, legally. Otherwise you would have ended up with your mother, and it does not sound like she would have ever provided a stable loving home for you to grow up in. More likely she is now, as she was then, not a fit parent, when she lost custody.

If anything she says about your grandparents is true, any mother would have fought like hell to not have her child in their custody. Your mother would have attended counseling, had medical help, worked to improve herself, so she didn't raise you, the same way her parents apparently did.

Your grandparents may not have been perfect parents, but they stepped up and raised you.

Your mother's relationship with her parents, seems more likely than not, is what your relationship is now, with her. She probably put them through hell, and now she is putting you through hell.

Your mentor betrayed you in the worst possible way, with being almost a co-conspirator with your mother.

That your mother keeps hurting and abusing you, and yet you still try to keep some sort of bond with her, is accepting more and more deception and pain, on your part.

On top of all of the uncertainty with her, you are considering cutting. All these blows you have taken have added up to you losing your sense of self, amid a sea of negative and destructive people, people which, have a tremendous influence over you.

As you continue to wade these unsettling waters, the waves will only get larger, and fighting them will become harder and harder for you. Your life is so negatively impacted by your mother's actions, that you don't realize how much control she has over you.

Everything stems from her. Right from the beginning, to the present. She is not acting out of love, but out of resentment, anger, jealousy, and control.

You can be easily manipulated, and she knows it, and it is the first blow, seemingly always followed by consequences to you. It is the way she lives her life, and for whatever reason, she knows no other way.

It is important for you to see, that as a married woman yourself, that you do not need to accept her behavior and influence on your life, at all. This is your life, and it does not need to be entwined in hers. She will have her needs met in other ways, as she has demonstrated over the years, when you were not available for her to use. She will move on to another victim.

It is particularly hard that you are her daughter. If you were simply a friend of hers, the picture would be much clearer, without all the emotional ties to such an extent. It would be easier to establish distance, and keep to it.

For the time being, please put up some roadblocks. Let her know that her influence in your life has negatively affected you to a great extent, and you need to focus on your own life, and your marriage. She will no longer be welcome in your life, because your relationship with her, is at a breaking point for you, psychologically.

Avoid all contact, and any social media and email she has, block her. Change your phone number(s), and do not initiate any contact. Give yourself your own life back, and regain your footing, without the continuous barrage of behavior from your mother that impacts you to such a great degree.

Get yourself into counseling, and accept that you need help in establishing and maintaining firm boundaries. With professional help, you will be able to gain back your confidence, and take necessary steps to ensure that you maintain solid footing in controlling and living your own life.

You may never know the truth of all that you question, and that too is something difficult, but necessary to accept, in order to get on with your life in a healthy way. You will learn how to let the past stay in the past, and forge your own path without the narrative from your mother, painting a very (likely) unfair picture of her own life with your grandparents.

Keep writing! It is good therapy, and if you have a talent for it- use it to see the difference between what is under your control to change, and what is not. Sift through the relationship, and see how all that she has done, has affected you. Learn to see what you cannot change, and what you can.

I hope that your husband is supportive. He too is probably lost in how to help. I would hope he would be willing to also learn how to turn this situation around, because his participation will be essential in recovering a healthy relationship with you.

Decide today that you're going to take your life back, and set about doing it. There is so much help available, and with your writing talent, you can do much for yourself to heal, and move on.

[Tc123]

Hey. I read your question and everything that went along with it. The pros and everyone else have been and are most supportive so I don't feel you need my input.

I just wanted you to know that yet another complete stranger really really cares about you. A lot! I wish you all the best and I pray for you. I hurt for you more than you know and I pray for you. If you ever just want to drop a line, please feel free to do so. I am not a professional and I can only offer my support and sincere love for you. Really. Know that you are in my thoughts as well as others here if not for anything. K? HUGS!! T

[Tc123]

Hi there again Angels. I just noticed the part where you asked if it was only depression. Yes dollin'. Someone can behave that way just from the illness of depression only. I am not guessing. I know from experience. I would never claim to know exactly how you feel but some of my experience(s) has/have been similar. It is so incredibly painful and sometimes I wonder how I survived to this day.

You might feel pain being around her as well as when you are not with her. I want to walk carefully with this right now so I will keep checking back. I want you to know that although we have not met eye to eye, my heart really goes out to you. I mean that Angels! I can and do understand that pain at least to some extent although I would never claim to know exactly how you feel. Please hang in there and as hard as this is to hear, try to be or remain strong. Life is here for you and you are worth love and life!