[82456]

Where to begin? My husband and I do not have the best relationship. Communication is the biggest problem. We've tried counseling but were unsuccessful and he's not willing to try it again. We sleep in separate bedrooms, do not have any friends that we socialize with, or even vacation together. We both have jobs but are nearing retirement age. We have two grown children, that live out of state.

My husbands career has always come first, and I found myself overindulging my children when I shouldn't have. There was a time when my son was in college and we didn't speak for 3 years. During his adolescent years, I was the "bad guy" or disciplinarian, as his dad worked shift work and often wasn't around when he wasn't in school. We used to have some pretty heated arguments which my husband would hear, but wouldn't interfere. He did not back me up when it came to discipline.

My daughter, who is 5 years younger witnessed all of this. She and I were much closer although we occasionally argued. My son and I have reconciled, now I'm experiencing a problem with my daughter. She went to college out of state and met and married a young man she met there. He is a great person and we love him very much. His parents are a decade younger than us and have a beautiful, huge home. My daughter and son-in-law live in an apartment located within this home.

During the past year and a half, I feel my daughter has turned her back on me and the family "back home." She rarely comes home, including the past two Mother's Day holidays or birthdays. Her entire focus seems to be on her new family. We have visited there several times. When I do go there, she is cold to me. She'll carry on conversations with her Dad, usually on topics I have no knowledge of. She has said mean and hurtful things to me, such as "I'm much closer to Dad than you." And, once told me the only reason my son reconciled with me is because their Dad said he couldn't afford to subsidize him and that he should make up with me. I just don't know who she's become.

I am not without fault, I recognize that I have made many mistakes too. Many times I felt like a single parent trying to juggle home, kids and a job. But I would hope by this point, given all we've been through, there would be more appreciation and respect. Heartbroken.

[talaniman]

Given all you have been through, and all they are going through, I would imagine you would be focused on you and what you want to do to enjoy and fulfill yourself as your retirement approaches. That would be my goal as if they can't appreciate you enough, appreciate yourself very well.

You deserve that don't you? She will grow up hopefully soon and if not, why should you suffer. Let her enjoy her dad, you enjoy yourself for a change. You have cared for people all your life now change that and make you and your own happiness the top focus. Not the kids, or the husband.

[Wondergirl]

I agree with Tal. Now it's time for YOU. Take a class at the local community college, learn how to crochet, join a book discussion or writers' group at the public library (or become a volunteer there), help out at an area animal shelter or hospital or nursing home or food pantry, or take piano lessons. The only person who can make you miserable (or happy) is you, so why not reach out to others and thereby find a very special kind of happiness. Especially by giving of yourself.

[82456]

Thanks, good advice... everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Need to find my joy.

[Jake2008]

I wonder how many can really identify with being married, but within that marriage there really was only one person pulling most of the weight, and that is the wife/mother.

It's almost like being single, and responsible for all that goes on with child rearing, working, keeping up a house, activities, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. etc.

It does not surprise me that the bad guy is you, because you were hands on, front and centre, and took on all the challenges, basically alone, and without backup. Memories of the hard stuff, will see mom pop into their minds immediately. They probably hold resentment toward you, although not so much with your son, and really don't know how one-sided chid rearing was, and who really did the work.

So for you I say you EARNED your freedom. At this stage of the game, no matter what you ever did, will never be a discussion to balance out opinions. You could have been mrs. perfect mother and parent, and still you would be gobsmacked with negative attitudes that do not make sense, and that are not true. There is no predicting the adult, of the child you raised.

Enjoy the good times, and learn to accept that nothing you can ever do or say will change your daughter's adult version of her own life history. She will always be correct. I would never again enter into discussions (if you do) about the mistakes you made, or comment or raise an eyebrow when she points out that her father was SO much better a parent than you.

Get your butt out there and enjoy life. Buy a bike, join a club, go swimming. Life is too short to wait around for somebody (husband) to join you. There is so much living to do out there.

Who needs to dwell on anything even remotely negative. Let the past stay in the past, and begin a life that you well deserve.

Best of luck to you.

[staysea]

Right now your daughter is also learning to be a woman and to start her new family. What your daughter doesn't like in you is what she doesn't like about herself. I think you should confront her telling her you want to listen to her about how she feels about you. Tell her you won't say anything, or become too upset, you would like to know so you can change what it is that bothers her. If she brings up the past, then you tell her how you managed the kids as a 'single mother' and the stress of the father. If the conversation doesn't work and there's no compromise then do your own thing and let her come to you when she is ready. Don't show your upset because daughter's feed on that. When you act like, "fine I don't give a ". They usually change their behaviour. If she gets nastier be strong and threaten her to get her own place. If she is biting the hand that feeds that is a no no.