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odinn7 · May 28, 2013, 02:44 PM

You probably won't like this and I may be way off base but it needs to be said...

You say you were in an abusive relationship... perhaps they blame you for keeping them in that situation and not doing anything about it. Sure, they were OK for a while once you did the divorce but maybe as time went on, they started to resent you for having them live through this... and for accepting it yourself.

Just something to think about.

kathmonica · May 29, 2013, 01:29 AM

I have never discussed the problems I have with my daughters with my grandchildren,as you rightly say ,that would be totally wrong and unfair to them.It seems my daughters have discussed it with them which is a real shame.the grandsons who visit me are 22,27,and 28 and have mentioned the situation to me. My grandaughter used to stay with me a lot when she was younger,and asked if she could come to live with me,
I was very active in my children's lives during my marriage,and after,they were adults then,we used to go away together on holidays,shopping all the things mothers and daughters do together.I was at the birth of 3 of my grandchildren too.
I asked one daughter if they would all come and discuss the problem with me,but they wouldn't.
Family and friends cannot understand as they say I was a brilliant mum.

Their father did threaten that if I left him,he would take them from me... he his a nasty man
So I don't know if he has anything to do with all this?

JudyKayTee · May 29, 2013, 09:09 AM

You say you have never discussed your relationship with your children with your grandchildren. When your grandchildren start the conversation, do you stop it, contribute, do nothing?

I have a very disfunctional family, and this struck me - "family and friends cannot understand as they say I was a brilliant mum." Why are you discussing your relationship with your daughters with "family and friends." For starters, what are they going to say? "You did a lousy job." Stop discussing your children with other people - it gets back to the children... and it hurts.

"their father did threaten that if I left him,he would take them from me....he his a nasty man
so I dont know if he has anything to do with all this?" After all these years? I doubt it. Either they are all dolts or something else has happened.

You have not answered how CFS affects your life and your emotions.

If I had a nickel for every time one of my step-grandchildren wanted to move in with me I'd have a whole lot of nickels. It's called, "My parents don't understand me but you do." Trust me, after the honeymoon stage and upon realizing I also have rules, they'd be right back "home."

I realize you are hurting and don't understand what has happened to your relationships - but something has. I've seen bitterness and parental interference following a divorce... but I've never seen it take years and years to manifest itself and never have I seen all of the children take the same stand.

Were boyfriends (of yours) involved? Something had to go wrong somewhere. The question is - what?

kathmonica · May 30, 2013, 12:33 AM

even Now after all these years,and my x husband being remarried,he is very bitter that I left him,a couple of years ago when I nursed my 40yr old daughter and had her stopping with me,she said " if my father knew I was her he would go balistic" I didn't comment as I don't say anything about their father at all.
a couple of years after my divorce I met someone and my girls were delighted.We were together 8yrs,all my daughters visited me then.
I found out that my partner was having an affair with our mutual friend,I left him and went to stay with one of my girls.I became very ill with depression and anxiety and ended up in hospital for 2 months.
after that the problems started,one by one they stopped coming to see me and then just didn't even contact me. I know I was ill a lot with the same problem when they were growing up,whether they had just had enough of my illness,I don't know.
my ME?CFS doesn't affect my moods It just makes me feel very poorly and fatigued most days,saying that I don't let it alter my personality at all.
there is nothing I would like more than to talk through this with my girls,I suggested this when my gaughter stayed with me 3yrs ago,she said they just didn't want to know... I am at a loss... I have helped them all out in one way or another since they left home and always been there for them.

Wondergirl · May 30, 2013, 06:43 AM

I wonder why "they just don't want to know." They are too busy with their own lives and don't want to have to stretch themselves? I'd love to get all of you women in one room and listen to each person's view of this. I'm wondering how much influence your ex has over his daughters.

And I have to say, I'm your age and I applaud you for sticking to this thread and being as introspective as you are. I'm so impressed that you didn't cut and run, but want to work on this and improve your life.

JudyKayTee · May 30, 2013, 07:26 AM

And I will agree with WG - you certainly are willing and able to explain the situation as you see it clearly and rationally. Goodness knows that doesn't happen often!

Yes, everyone should be herded into one room and then the door locked behind you.

Is there any one daughter you are closer to, more able to talk to, than the others?

kathmonica · May 30, 2013, 07:44 AM

There is one daughter who gets in touch now and again,"when she needs me" she suffers with panic attacks so I talk to her to help her feel better,she does not want to talk about it at all,, I have casually tried to bring up the subject, but she doesn't want to know... tha problem with my girl is that as they are very close to each other,if one has a grievance they all join in with it!. I don't think I can do anymore,and it has gone on for so long,but I will always be there for them... thank you both for replying.x

JudyKayTee · May 30, 2013, 08:03 AM

I know how that goes - my family burned me out years ago. I guess the best you can do is be there and support your daughter(s) and sort of shield yourself from hurt the best that you can.

talaniman · May 30, 2013, 09:26 AM

Do you have other things and people in your life to keep you busy? That's the best shield for 40 year old kids that just ain't around for whatever reason. My own are getting there and we see and hear from them less, and less.

kathmonica · May 31, 2013, 03:46 AM

Thank you both for you help and advice... I have ME/CFS so I can't get out and about to fill my time.. I rely on TV and music to take my mind of things as much as possible.when I started with my condition I soon found out who my real friends were,they too one by one diapeared! I have one loyal friend she is only42,sadly she has cancer,she is in remition at the moment,she rings me and tells me she is there for me anytime which is lovely.

Jake2008 · May 31, 2013, 06:51 AM

I'm not so sure, with all the animosity between you and your children, that having you all together in one room, would be helpful at this time, considering your own problems, and the fact that there is a long, unsaid history with little clarity, between you, and your children.

That you are 'allowed' to have visits with your grown grandchildren, seems a benefit to both sides so to speak. Is it possible that you could contact each of your children directly, and ask them if they could come together, and just talk, at your home.

I don't know that if time and age hasn't softened your children, but maybe they just haven't figured out a way to make amends, and put the past in the past? Instead of just living with what you think might be going on, to actually understanding what has gone on, and why, you could be putting yourself through unnecessary stress.

Where they may have had strong opinions, and accusatory opinions, that has somehow underlined all that has transpired for the last 11 years. There has been no resolve, or understanding, or forgiveness, toward both sides.

Try not to let this fester any longer, especially as you don't seem to know or realize a 'cause' or any particular event that has them treating you this way. If you don't know what is wrong and why, how can anything be mended.

It would be a shame to see this situation go on, for another decade, when with a little effort on both sides, might just mend some fences.

talaniman · May 31, 2013, 09:03 AM

Originally Posted by kathmonica

thank you both for you help and advice....I have ME/CFS so I can't get out and and about to fill my time..I rely on TV and music to take my mind of things as much as possible.when I started with my condition i soon found out who my real friends were,they too one by one diapeared! I have one loyal friend she is only42,sadly she has cancer,she is in remition at the moment,she rings me and tells me she is there for me anytime which is lovely.

Its in your best interest to find activities you look forward to that include interacting with others. You are an excellent writer, and very articulate, and it's a shame you continue to use past problems to stand in the way of present and future happiness. Sure there are obstacles but its so unfair to expect your kids to solve those for you.

I think networking with those who share your affliction would be a great learning experience as to how they cope and sharing would certainly lead you to many ideas to adapt.

Its been my experience that reaching out to those like you relieves the feeling of being alone with your problems, and brings understanding and empowerment to your own life. That's what I feel you need at this time, some love and support, rather than a distraction like TV, or music.

I think you need to take that step.

CFS Knowledge Center - Support Groups

Not a replacement for the family attention you want, but an attitude change you need to be proactive on your own behalf.

kathmonica · May 31, 2013, 08:57 PM

Thank you so much for your advice.I do belong to the site Action For ME where small discusions take place,but I understand what you are saying.I wish I could find something more testing to do on site.I told my story regarding my illness on the site,which is a charity site,they have chosen it to represent their new charity pack,I am really pleased about that.

Thanks Jake too... I have tried what you have suggested but they just don't want to know.I don't feel there is anything I have to forgive my daughters for.some of them have done unfair things to me,financially,but I have put that away and forgiven.that I guess could be one of the reasons they won't face me.

sweetismami28 · May 31, 2013, 11:20 PM

If a women is being abused her children are being abused as well if not physically then emotionally by the environment that they are in.

Wondergirl · May 31, 2013, 11:23 PM

Originally Posted by kathmonica

thanks Jake too...I have tried what you have suggested but they just dont want to know.I dont feel there is anything I have to forgive my daughters for.some of them have done unfair things to me,financially,but I have put that away and forgiven.that i guess could be one of the reasons they wont face me.

You may have hit on something here, that they are ashamed for the way they have treated you despite all your generosity to them, and cannot face you.

kathmonica · Jun 1, 2013, 07:01 AM

Its so sad.. they should know that I would forgive them anything!

I agree that the children are also abused.. I asked their father when they were small if the rows could stop,and he could do his own thing,. we would bring them up and give them a happy home until they left home.. then we could part... his answer was NO!!

JudyKayTee · Jun 1, 2013, 07:05 AM

"I agree that the children are also abused..I asked their father when they were small if the rows could stop,and he could do his own thing,..we would bring them up and give them a happy home untill they left home..then we could part...his answer was NO!!!!"

I'm not trying to beat you up. I'm really not. You had a duty to protect your children. You acknowledge that they were in a bad place - you were powerless to do anything?

I left a relationship because my "partner" threatened my dog! Do not put my children in danger, mentally, physically, something else.

I see this as an excuse - you wanted to change things, he wouldn't, you were helpless and powerless?

Sorry - don't mean to beat you up... but really? Your children didn't come first?

Maybe that's the problem.

kathmonica · Jun 1, 2013, 07:31 AM

I am 68 now... In those days women did not get any help,I had no family to help me either.I understand where you are coming from I really do,With 5 young children you can't just walk out,I asked him to leave many times but he wouldn't... I sat in a church once,just praying for God to help me.

JudyKayTee · Jun 1, 2013, 07:44 AM

I know that things were very different.

You express yourself very well.

Have you ever explained where you were, how it was, to your daughter - one or all of them?

I had a conversation with a stepdaughter (I have 5 stepchildren) a couple of nights ago for no particular reason concerning abortion. She simply couldn't believe that in the '60's it was difficult to get "the pill" and abortions were illegal.

She was surprised.

Wondergirl · Jun 1, 2013, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by kathmonica

I am 68 now....In those days women did not get any help,I had no family to help me either.I understand where you are coming from I really do,With 5 young children you can't just walk out,I asked him to leave many times but he wouldn't........I sat in a church once,just praying for God to help me.

I was living back then too and agree, women didn't have choices like they do now and there was little or no help for families in trouble. Women were supposed to bite the bullet and carry on.

And had you somehow been able to leave, you would have been living in poverty and helplessness with five small children who, as adults, would forever resent you for not keeping the family together and making the best of things just so they would have food and clothes and not be the objects of pity.

In other words, you wouldn't have "won" no matter which way this worked out.