[FrostAtronach]

After a couple months of beating myself up and tearing apart my good moods, I've decided to get help here. I've neglected it for awhile because I'm not sure who would actually read all of this, but here is my situation:

I've dated this girl in a long distance relationship; the relationship went on for nearly ten months. The relationship was very loving, for being long distance, and it seemed as though her and I were going to be together for awhile. For lack of formalities, I will call her "Ashley". Anyway, this relationship was loving, as I said, and it got to a point where both of us were considering marriage and raising a family. Ashley sent me pictures of drawings she drew of us together, things we'd do, places we'd go to see - a little while later, I sent her an email saying, "Hey, I just got enough money to travel and come over-seas". I waited a bit for a reply and I then received a long email saying that, "we should be out exploring other people, making friends, and the stress of this relationship is making me crazy. I can't be with you anymore..."

Months past and I beat myself up a lot. I had a few months of depression; yelling, screaming, etc.. I admit that I was certainly not taking this break-up well considering that the whole idea of her and I together just seemed like such an amazing love-story and I didn't want to let it go. It was the happiest ten months of my life. After a few months, we decided to not speak to each-other for a bit and get a grip on our lives - that's what we ended up doing.

During this break, I was still attending my senior year of school. I was at lunch one day and my friend brought up this girl to our table. I'll call her, "Mary". Mary approaches the table and I'm already thinking about if I should ask this girl out. With the conversations we had when she came up to the table, she liked everything I liked and was a really cool person. Days go past and I'm texting her and learning more about her, until I end up asking her out and we begin dating. The first couple months were less-than-stellar and this is where my story begins to get long.

She admined a Facebook page and the admins on the page were in love with her - the admins would constantly post things about her and it made me uncomfortable. To the point where I had asked her to stop going onto the Facebook page. She ignored my requests and said she'd, "give them another chance". I decided I'd listen to her and let her do her thing; then I get wind that one of the admins is asking her to marry here. I get upset and question it and she tells me she doesn't know what to do because this admin is telling her he'd kill himself if she didn't. She ends up cutting herself, I get irritated and start to yell at these admins over Facebook. I'm getting bombarded with insults. To make this story short, I was only trying to describe how incredibly stressful my relationship with Mary is. Through all of this struggle, I've grown to be incredibly jealous. I find this to be odd considering that I wasn't jealous in the other relationship, but now I am always wondering if Mary is cheating on me, etc.. During those months, though, I loved her with every ounce of my being. We even discussed things like my old relationship partner and I did: marriage, family, etc.. Because I thought I loved her and got over my ex.

Then one night it just suddenly went away. I looked at her picture and I didn't feel the same feelings anymore. I didn't feel like I loved her and I didn't feel that emotion of love in my tummy like I used to.. . and this has been going on for about 3 months now and somehow I got to thinking about Ashley again. I keep thinking about my love-story with her and going back to the way everything used to be; that feeling of love and being loved. I wake up feeling guilty every morning because I'm thinking of this girl across seas when I should be thinking of my girlfriend instead.

I became friends with Ashley again, just to be sure she wouldn't go away because I made a promise to myself that I'd visit her over seas. I'm playing video games with her online and legitimately wanting to build a relationship with her again, but I still don't want my current girlfriend to leave.

[Solutions that I've tried: Taking a break from my girlfriend to re-establish feelings, hanging out with my girlfriend more to re-establish feelings, trying to talk to my ex less, trying to think of my ex less, checking to see if I legitimately have depression (which I've found out depression can make you not love), and my last solution would be to visit Ashley over-seas to get "closure".]

[Oliver2011]

Honestly dude - reread your post. Words like "jealousy" and "guilt" and "depression" and "uncomfortable" don't belong in a relationship. Something you are doing is infuzing drama into the relationship from the get go. Therefore take a step back, stop seeing and communicating with both of these girls, and figure yourself out. It appears that you are jumping into relationships quickly without getting to know the girl and allowing her to get to know you. And then the poop starts hitting the fan.

You need this break because a relationship without drama is so much fun. I think you are mistaken when you say you're in "love" with two girls. What you have isn't love.

[talaniman]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again

I would have left them both alone, and explored healthier options for love and romance.

Staying friends to keep someone in your life to have someone, or as a back up plan in case of failure is not love but dependence, and misleading given the distance, as well as selfish and unhealthy. Honesty is greatly lacking.

All this drama with Mary the cutter is totally unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Maybe its you who should heal and get healthy before you even consider a relationship.

[FrostAtronach]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Oliver2011 again

I would have left them both alone, and explored healthier options for love and romance.

Staying friends to keep someone in your life to have someone, or as a back up plan in case of failure is not love but dependence, and misleading given the distance, as well as selfish and unhealthy. Honesty is greatly lacking.

All this drama with Mary the cutter is totally unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Maybe its you who should heal and get healthy before you even consider a relationship.

Maybe so, but how should I go about doing that? Healing, I mean.
I've talked to my current girlfriend about this problem: the jealousy and being uncomfortable. I've kind of grown apart from that - I've been getting pretty chill with things like that now, I'm honestly not so jealous anymore.

Of course, please keep in mind my closure solution that I have yet to try out. My relationship with this girl over seas ended quit abruptly; I never really got the answers I needed for the 'when, why, and what' - if that makes sense.

So, do you think that it would be possible for me to try this solution out? It seems as though the way that I'm feeling is more or so generated by this girl over seas. I was fine with Mary (The Mary that hasn't cut herself since a few months ago, fyi) until this girl popped back into my life.

Like I said previously, I told my current girlfriend my problems about jealously and loving two people - I want to work through it with her because, although there may be healthier choices, I really want things to work out with her and no one else.

[talaniman]

Does Mary know of Ashley and vice versa?

[FrostAtronach]

Does Mary know of Ashley and vice versa?

Both of them know of each-other, but they do not "hang out" or have ever talked to each other. It was more of me telling Mary that I'm still in love with Ashley and telling Ashley that I'm still in love with her although I have a girlfriend.

Currently I'm trying to get closure with Ashley, though. I've messaged her to see if I can get some answers to my questions and get the closure I need. I'm still awaiting a reply, but I think that maybe if I got closure than it would be over.

What do you think?

[talaniman]

I think you are chasing ghosts my friend by having a girlfriend and then looking for closure from another. That's as backward as you get because your mind should have bee made up and acceptance that the past was over would have started a healing process to unload the baggage of old feelings and made the next relationship much healthier.

What's even more disturbing is that Mary accepts this situation of being your rebound as you heal. Such situations NEVER work well for long and guess who gets hurt? That's right the rebound, who already has issues that you selfishly ignore to stroke your own unhealthy needs. She is an emotionally delicate person needy and very vulnerable. Most cutters are.

I don't mean to be harsh, as you don't seem to be a bad sort of guy but balancing two female is likely to get very messy. I would prefer being single and having fun without the drama of unintentionally playing the feelings of others.

Work out your personal issues on your own without screwing up someone else's head.