[Fluffy80]

Hi,

I hope someone can help.
I am with a wonderful man who does a lot for me. He is caring and loving, and, in most ways, perfect.
However, he loves to do cocaine every week. He sees this as 'escapism' and hates the fact that I nag him about it. He doesn't have much money but always seems to find the cash for the drug. Sometimes when he goes out he is gone for 2 days at a time, and often ends up at strangers 'house parties'. We are not that young (32) and have been together almost 3 years. I deeply love him and know he loves me but whilst I am left at home crying, hoping that he's OK... he's out having a great time.
Am I wasting my time with this man, or will he grow out if it?
Thank you in advance :/

[odinn7]

You're wasting your time with this "wonderful man". What makes him wonderful? Sounds to me like you don't matter very much to him in his overall life plan.

He has no money but still buys his drugs. He disappears and winds up at peoples houses... what is he doing with these people for days at a time? Bet he's getting some on the side too.

Why put up with this? He is not as wonderful as you seem to think he is. Loving and caring? I'm sorry, in my definition of loving and caring I don't count disappearing for days and spending money I don't have on drugs.

Have fun with him because he's not going to change.

[Fluffy80]

[QUOTE=odinn7;3465441]
Thank you for your reply.
I see him as wonderful, loving and caring because when he isn't out doing cocaine he does a lot for me. He really does take care of me. I do agree with what you said though, and it's nice to have an unbiased opinion so thank you for that.

Its just hard to accept that he won't change as I do love him but I hate the drugs just as much :-(

[odinn7]

How about this... does he ever bring his drugs into your house? What happens when he gets arrested? What happens when you find out he's been cheating on you at these house parties... but he then claims it was the drugs that made him do it? There is just so much wrong here and there is no reason for you to put yourself through this.

If he really loved you and cared for you, drugs wouldn't rule his life 2 days out of the week.

[ScottGem]

He doesn't "love" cocaine. He is addicted to it. There is a difference. If he loves you and is so wonderful, he will go to rehab and try to break the addiction. If he refuses, then you are secondary to his addiction and this is not a person to build a life with.

[Fluffy80]

Yes, he has recently started bringing his friend back to our house after a night out occasionally (usually after 8AM) where they continue to do drugs. His argument is that it is his house too.
We have argued many times about this and he is adamant that he is careful so would not get caught and that he is still in control when he is doing cocaine so he would not cheat.

I know it it wrong what he is doing but I still hold on to the hope that surely he has to grow up some time?

[odinn7]

No, he probably won't grow up sometime. Why would he really? If you think about it, he has no reason to. You allow him to live his life this way so there is no reason to change.

But I have known people like this and they don't just grow up. Something major needs to change in order for them to get the message but it isn't something that just one day they will wake up and decide to give it all up.

[Fluffy80]

[QUOTE=ScottGem;3465462]
Is it still an addiction if someone does a drug 2 days a week?
He would not even entertain the thought of rehab as he doesn't think he has a problem. For him, cocaine is just a way to have a good time with friends. He really enjoys doing it and is not ready to stop just yet, however, he does say that he won't be doing it forever.
I suppose that is an addiction though yeah :/

[Fluffy80]

Of course. You're right. I have never done any drugs so it is naïve of me to think that he will just grow out of it.

Thank you for your help. Sometimes I think (well he makes me think) I'm over-reacting.