[salvimom]

We are in our early 30's, and have been together for four years. We have four children between us (2 his, 2 mine) and are busy with them a lot. However, I still am interested in him more in a sexual manner than I feel he is. After the kids are in bed, he'll just be to himself, and when he comes to bed, its to go straight to sleep. Sometimes I'll touch him to try to initiate, but he generally pushes me away. I know he is stressed because he is unemployed, and he also takes meds for high blood pressure. Could these two reasons be why he doesn't have a high libido? Or is it simply too much routine, I'm not attractive to him anymore, or he's cheating? Earlier in the day, he'll be sexually suggestive and flirtatious, or he'll talk about what will happen 'tonight' but nothing ever does. It kind of kills me because I get hit on a lot and know I could go sleep with someone if I really wanted to--but I don't want to cheat. Any suggestions or advice?

[Cat1864]

Have you tried talking to him?

High blood pressure, the medications to treat it and stress are all major libido limiters/killers.

It may also be timing. By bedtime he may be too tired for intercourse. Have you tried sending all the children off so that you have time to yourselves earlier in the day or getting up before the children?

He might need to talk to s doctor about the side-effects or possible interactions of his medications that might be causing problems.

Another limiter can be pressure to perform. The pressure could be coming from himself as much as from you. If he is concerned that he might have erectile difficulties, he could be unconsciously shutting down any thoughts of sex.

Does he still initiate non-sexual intimacy or show affection in other ways?

I realize that mentioning cheating is a way to explain how frustrated you are. However, if you are seriously considering cheating, then get out of the relationship. Cheating is not a solution. It only adds to the problems.

[salvimom]

Thanks so much for this helpful reply. Yes, I have talked to him about it, but he doesn't seem to be compliant--he sort of runs from any serious talk we have regarding us. I have tried sending kids off early, I've tried getting up before kids. I think it might be the meds maybe coupled with the pressure. I try not to ask too much, because I honestly feel weird 'begging', and anytime I ask he says, 'that's all you think about' (not true! Lol) Today he did mention without me starting a conversation about it, that he just couldn't be 'on' all the time. Regarding the cheating comment--it really was out of frustration, I am not the type to cheat, and I agree with you, if it comes to that, why be in the relationship? Reading some of the other reasons you mentioned makes me feel like I should be more patient, so I will definitely try and be understanding, and see if we can talk more about things... maybe its just a phase...

[zumamoney]

Cat1864 is right, timing is everything. You said he take medication for high blood pressure that is why timing play a lot here. I don't think he is cheating, I think you need to make some changes.He still have feelings for you. 4years is enough to try something new my sister. Get some sexy new underwear/clothes. Sometime walk pass him with just your underwear on pretend he is not even there while the kids is away or sleeping already. Don't even mention the word sex or border him with one for at least three weeks. Still respect and pay more attention to him but less to sexual advances. Focus more on yourself and looks. I can see him begging you in just a week or two.

[talaniman]

I think like many you take the change in sexual habits so personally you miss the real reasons and solutions to resolve them.

Don't be distracted by your needs with a young guy who has health issues, and is unemployed, and a big family to feed, clothe, and provide shelter and security for. Do you work while he stays home or what?

His soul and spirit are what needs assurance and sex will not cure that. If you are suffering, imagine how he is and start talking about how to get healthy again.

[salvimom]

Thanks for the insight! I figured it is as you and many others are saying, and I can recognize that he is really down, which is affecting his libido. I just wrote the initial post amid frustration. But after reading your responses and researching a lot more about depression, medications, etc.. I can see that there are many other things going on. I definitely try to spice it up, but am backing off the S word for now (lol), and trying to help him work through his feelings, etc. A relationship takes work, and I realize men have emotional needs too.