Check out some similar questions!

rockyb · Apr 27, 2013, 10:36 AM

I've been knowing a guy for a year now. When we first met he took me places and bought me stuff and cleaned my apartment up and helped watch my daughter that's not his. Now he's broke because he bought a car and now his family is asking for rent plus all of his food stamps. Now he doesn't take me any where, he eats my food up, like instead of one packet of noodles its like 3 packs at a time, he don't cook or clean. He's just here to be here and says he feels bad that he can't help with rent and bills so I asked him if he could just cook and clean he said its fine. But he only cleaned once and that was the dishes. He's never cooked. I love him but I feel used and I cry because I don't want to sound like a money hungry person but I need help. ADVICE PLEASE. I tried talking to him.

odinn7 · Apr 27, 2013, 10:38 AM

You feel used because he is using you. Tell him that he needs to contribute and if he won't, dump him. He sounds like he is just hanging on for the free ride... and you're allowing it to happen.

rockyb · Apr 27, 2013, 10:42 AM

Yes and people keep telling me that I just thought that I may ask other people.. it hurts because I truly love him but every month I talk to him about helping out and its just like he'll get mad then we'll just forget about it.. and he wants to go to college and find a better job but he admits that he's a procrastinator.. how should I talk to him. I repeat myself all the time should I ask for a break until he gets his stuff together?

odinn7 · Apr 27, 2013, 10:43 AM

If you've tried to have the talk and he is unwilling, then it's probably time to tell him that it's not working out like this and you guys need to go your own way.

rockyb · Apr 27, 2013, 10:46 AM

And there's no easier way to do this?. (deep breath in and out) should I offer friendship.. I was thinking about telling him that I'm focused on being a mom and bills and mg job and being a girlfriend is stressing me out especially when my man is suppose to take the role of a man and contribute... how do that sound?

odinn7 · Apr 27, 2013, 10:55 AM

I'm sorry... I can't really help you with easier ways... you see, I have been through a bit in my life and it's left me somewhat bitter and jaded. Easy to me would be saying, "you're a bum, get out." because I have found that beating around the bush and being indirect often lets you get walked on even more.

Telling him that you can't do what you're trying to do while carrying his dead weight around may work like you asked but then I see him begging you for another chance and telling you he will change... then, after a few days or weeks he will feel comfortable again and go back to doing what he's doing. It's a common pattern and that's why I say being direct works best. I understand that some people just can't be that way so you will have to do whatever you think will work best for you.

rockyb · Apr 27, 2013, 11:03 AM

I'm just going to have to suck it up and tell him straight. I mean he has said to me that has sorry he's being a bum so that mean he's highly aware.. and I agree if I so say the other stuff he'll end up working his way back in if we remain friends.. thanks so much..

odinn7 · Apr 27, 2013, 11:07 AM

Sorry I couldn't help much. Things like this are never easy but you have to do what's right for you and in this case, what's also right for your daughter.

Good luck.

rockyb · Apr 27, 2013, 11:09 AM

You've helped a lot

Wondergirl · Apr 27, 2013, 11:15 AM

Just as a side note, does he even have a clue how to do stuff around the house? If I had asked my band-new husband to clean, he wouldn't have known at all what I meant. I had to take him by the hand like a little kid and show him exactly how to clean the bathroom or vacuum the carpet or make the bed, etc. His mama never had him lift a finger at home, and his bedroom was a slob's paradise. For cooking, we started with scrambled eggs and oatmeal and heating up a can of soup. At first we did all this together with me supervising, but then he was able to do stuff on his own. He needed to see stuff on a list, so I would make a list of chores for him to do for each day while I was at work.

That was years ago. Now he is 67 and can run the house, if he had to.

Alty · Apr 27, 2013, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Just as a side note, does he even have a clue how to do stuff around the house? If I had asked my band-new husband to clean, he wouldn't have known at all what I meant. I had to take him by the hand like a little kid and show him exactly how to clean the bathroom or vacuum the carpet or make the bed, etc. His mama never had him lift a finger at home, and his bedroom was a slob's paradise. For cooking, we started with scrambled eggs and oatmeal and heating up a can of soup. At first we did all this together with me supervising, but then he was able to do stuff on his own. He needed to see stuff on a list, so I would make a list of chores for him to do for each day while I was at work.

That was years ago. Now he is 67 and can run the house, if he had to.

WG, this is from the OP's first post;

I've been knowing A guy for a year now.. when we first met he took me places and bought me stuff and cleaned my apartment up and helped watch my daughter that's not his..

talaniman · Apr 28, 2013, 09:41 AM

I have to be honest, I would dump a female that was happy with me during the good times and dumped on me when I was down. You need to leave him alone as this isn't love but dependency and dysfunction.

Cat1864 · Apr 28, 2013, 10:28 AM

I've been knowing a guy for a year now. When we first met he took me places and bought me stuff and cleaned my apartment up and helped watch my daughter that's not his. Now he's broke because he bought a car and now his family is asking for rent plus all of his food stamps. Now he doesn't take me any where, he eats my food up, like instead of one packet of noodles its like 3 packs at a time, he don't cook or clean. He's just here to be here and says he feels bad that he can't help with rent and bills so I asked him if he could just cook and clean he said its fine. But he only cleaned once and that was the dishes. He's never cooked. I love him but I feel used and I cry because I don't want to sound like a money hungry person but I need help. ADVICE PLEASE. I tried talking to him.

Originally Posted by rockyb

yes and people keep telling me that I just thought that I may ask other people.. it hurts because I truly love him but every month I talk to him about helping out and its just like he'll get mad then we'll just forget about it.. and he wants to go to college and find a better job but he admits that he's a procrastinator.. how should I talk to him. I repeat myself all the time should I ask for a break until he gets his stuff together?

I see a couple of possible red flags depending on more background information.

It sounds like finances are kind of tight for you too.

How old is he?

How much time does he spend with you/at your house? Is he still helping with your child?

When you met him, was he living with his parents rent free and not contributing to their expenses for his up-keep?

Was he on food stamps when you met or did he recently start receiving them?

Was the truck a needed expense or a whim?

He has a job, but he wants a better one. However, he isn't doing anything to improve his situation.

He wants a relationship but now that it is 'established' he doesn't want to put work into it? Helping out with cleaning (especially the dishes he eats off) or finding activities to do that do require money but feel like dates are not expecting too much. Sounds like if he weren't your boyfriend it would be called 'mooching'.

Either you are seeing the real person and the reason why his parents finally cracked down or everything hit him at once and he has given up.

If he is pretty much living with you and using up your resources, send him back to his parents where he is paying rent and providing food.

If you are breaking up with him, then make it a clean break. Do not try to remain friends. You do not need to let the frustration go only to replace it with confusion.