[guiltybeautie]

I was 17 and a half when I met this goofy looking boy. Some how we clicked. A few months later I had my first kiss ever with him when the ball dropped on New Years. For over a year he was the sweetest boy we cuddled and spent everymoment we could together. Then I lost my virginity to him and got pregnant all at once.
We were very young I was in college and since he was three grades behind he was still in high school. Neither of us were ready. But I stepped up to the plate and he didn't.
We kept dating but he stayed at his moms house because he didn't have a job and dropped out of school and got heavy into partying. I had my own place and supported our child by myself. Saw him on saturdays only if he didn't disappear. Immediately after out first child I became pregnant again.
He still had no job and lived at home and rarely found the time between parties to see us, but when he did see us my heart fluttered. I became pregnant again and was only two months along when I found out he was cheating on our anniversery. I miscarried. He told me "good". The most hurtful thing he ever said.
Everyone told me he was a loser and that I should leave him. He was emotionally abusive. They made me feel dumb for loving him. They wanted me to find a real man.
So I broke up with him and I broke his heart. He immediately went through a bunch of girlfriends too young for him. Even gave one my ring.
It hurt so bad being away from him. I begged him to take me back but he refused. I was withering away. I lost thirty pounds and I was quite thin to begin with. My dr took me out of work because I was having break downs
So I tried to date. To prove I didn't need him. I tricked myself into thinking I liked the boys. But I only liked how jealous they made him. None of the three boys lasted for more than three months.
Then me and him started hooking up but not dating. Just talking about it. But his family hated me and mine hated him. Then he found out I had gone to the bar and got so angry with me he threw me to the floor at the store and the cashier called 911. I had lied to him it was my fault.
My parent and the cops made me feel stupid that I didn't want to press charges. So I did. Now he hasn't talked to me other than to get the kids in years. I love him very much. He was my best friend. I know he loved me once too. When he thought I was asleep he would stroke my hair and tell me. Even after we broke up and were just hooking up.
His family and friends are unsavory people and hate me because I won't allow drugs around my kids. They think I am a prude and said they would disown him if he took me back.
Everyone says let go and move on but its been four years since he threw me to the floor and I have not met one guy I would consider letting touch me. I am still deeply in love with him and dream of him every night. When I hear his voice my heart leaps. When I hear he has a new girlfriend I want to kill her. What in the world is wrong with me?
I have never heard of a heart being so stubborn that it loves someone who hates it and seeks to break it for this long. I am at a loss as to what I should do.
Obviously I am never dating again. The though of being with another man makes me want to vomit. Plus no young men want to deal with children anyway.
But I want the hurt to go away. I am a hopeless romantic. I read romance novels every night. Some one like me deserves love. And I had it for a few years. Now I am facing an empty lonely future. Just living for the sake of my children until all of this can finally be over.

[guiltybeautie]

ps I am quite beutifull. I am 5'10", 140 lbs., measurments 41" 28" 43". With beautiful eyes and lips. If guys value beautie I am the prettiest girl in our area. So that is not the issue. But I am mentally unstable and get nervous easy.

[joypulv]

You ask what is wrong with you. Nothing, at least in the sense that millions of young women who have babies when they are much too young have nothing wrong with them. Then you add that you are 'mentally unstable,' which tells us nothing. Getting nervous easily doesn't help much either.
I wish I could tell you some magic way to stop dwelling on one person for lost love, but there is no magic. It's a matter of replacing that need with a sense of living with yourself and having a life independent of others. That's not easy to do. Many never do. You may find some meaning in your children as they grow older. You may write a book or take some courses again. You may find another young mother to share a place with, and enjoy that. Eventually it will hit you that the past is gone forever, even if you see him. You can't have what you had in the innocence of youth.

[guiltybeautie]

You ask what is wrong with you. Nothing, at least in the sense that millions of young women who have babies when they are much too young have nothing wrong with them. Then you add that you are 'mentally unstable,' which tells us nothing. Getting nervous easily doesn't help much either.
I wish I could tell you some magic way to stop dwelling on one person for lost love, but there is no magic. It's a matter of replacing that need with a sense of living with your self and having a life independent of others. That's not easy to do. Many never do. You may find some meaning in your children as they grow older. You may write a book or take some courses again. You may find another young mother to share a place with, and enjoy that. Eventually it will hit you that the past is gone forever, even if you see him. You can't have what you had in the innocence of youth.

Srry I am unstable because I have an anxiety disorder.

And I do not wish to live with another mom. I actually don't know any moms my age. All of my friends have not yet had children.