[mamaoffour]

My son is seven, and when my niece had a sleepover recently, they played a game where they "licked and kissed" each other... I did not find out about this for several days when my sister called me to say that my niece told her. According to my son they were playingand he took off his shirt and one thing led to another... My sister is freaking out saying my son molested her daughter. While this is clearly inappropriate behavior, how serious is it?

[jenniepepsi]

WHERE did they lick and kiss?
Face? Lips?

If it was in private places, then yes it's a serious issue and both children should be seen. NEITHER ONE treated like a criminal. They BOTH need patience and understanding.

[Alty]

Children of this age imitate what they see, or experience.

Yes, it is inappropriate, but it sounds like both children participated, not just your son.

They do need to be sat down and talked to, but not accused, and not frightened. It's unlikely that they know what sex is or understand why the adults are so upset about this. They're just kids likely acting out something they've seen.

[mamaoffour]

WHERE did they lick and kiss?
face? lips?

if it was in private places, then yes its a serious issue and both children should be seen. NEITHER ONE treated like a criminal. they BOTH need patience and understanding.

Chests and lips. It has been difficult for me to get accurate information because my son has been feeling guilty since hearing what's been said and I do not trust that my sister isn't asking "leading questions" to get my niece to say what she wants her to.

[mamaoffour]

I guess part of why I'm so confused about what to do, is that my son doesn't do these sort.of things with anyone else, and my sister has managed to conceive four other children while sharing a bedroom with all of her kids... So basically, I can guess where her daughter may have gotten these ideas, but I'm at a loss for where my son would've picked it up.up.

[Alty]

Chests and lips. It has been difficult for me to get accurate information because my son has been feeling guilty since hearing what's been said and I do not trust that my sister isn't asking "leading questions" to get my niece to say what she wants her to.

So your son has already been accused to the point where he feels bad? Not good. These are children, playing at what they see adults do. He should not be made to feel guilty. Your sister continuing to harass her daughter about this is also very unhealthy.

These two children are going to end up with irrational fears if this continues.

[Alty]

I guess part of why I'm so confused about what to do, is that my son doesn't do these sort.of things with anyone else, and my sister has managed to conceive four other children while sharing a bedroom with all of her kids..... So basically, I can guess where her daughter may have gotten these ideas, but I'm at a loss for where my son would've picked it up.up.

So you and your husband never kiss or hug in front of your son? Does your son watch TV? Movies? Even the little Mermaid has kissing in it. To a child, kissing looks like licking.

There's no one to blame in any of this, least of all the two children. Placing blame on either of them, and continuing to ask leading questions to the point where they feel guilt, feel that they did something very bad, is not at all healthy.

Both you and your sister should be sitting down with the kids and explaining, not lecturing or accusing, that it's okay to hug and play with your friends, but your private parts (and that includes your chest and your lips) aren't for playing, that taking your clothes off when you're playing with your friends, is not okay. Make sure they know that neither of you are mad, that you just want them to know that playing that way is not okay at their age.

Don't make it a long talk, just the basics, keep it simple and not at all accusatory, and then move on and don't mention it again unless there's another incident.

[mamaoffour]

That's pretty much my feeling. I've talked to my son, I just don't know what else I can do to make him understand this behavior isn't OK to continue but it doesn't make him "bad"... Kind of a tricky message to get across.

[mamaoffour]

We don't make a habit of licking each others chests in front of other people, no.

[Alty]

That's pretty much my feeling. I've talked to my son, I just don't know what else I can do to make him understand this behavior isn't ok to continue but it doesn't make him "bad".... Kind of a tricky message to get across.

It is hard to have that talk without making them feel them feel they did something wrong.

Just reassure him that you're not mad, that what he did isn't bad, it's just not appropriate. Make sure you're not upset when you talk to him, and make sure he knows that you're not upset with him, that it was just a bit shocking to find out he and his cousin did that, because it's not something kids should do with anyone.

End the talk with a hug, tell him you love him, and let him know that if he ever has questions, you want him to come to you, no matter what the question is, you'll never be mad at him. Just reassure him that it's okay, that you're not mad, and that you're glad the two of you could talk about it.

Then ask him if he has any questions about this. If he does, and you don't know how to answer, or his question upsets you, tell him that you really don't know the answer, but you'll find out and get back to him about it.

With kids that young it's really important to make sure they feel secure about coming to you with any issues. You don't want him to feel that he can't tell you things because you or his Aunt, will be mad at him.

[Alty]

We don't make a habit of licking each others chests in front of other people, no.

LOL! Well, to kids kissing can look like licking, and really, most kids go through the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage. They realize that boys and girls are different. This isn't sexual, not at all. It's curiosity. No one was hurt, and it definitely wasn't molestation from either child. The very fact that your sister said that word, is shocking. We're talking about a 7 year old boy here, not a 17 year old. If your son were 12 or older, I'd be giving you very different advice. But at 7, this is innocent childhood curiosity.

How old is your niece?

[mamaoffour]

She is six months younger than him. When I asked why they decided to.play that game he said "I don't know, mom! I just get all weird around her" . He has a six year old sister and they've never done anything like this with each other.

[Alty]

She is six months younger than him. When I asked why they decided to.play that game he said "I don't know, mom! I just get all weird around her" . He has a six year old sister and they've never done anything like this with each other.

It really sounds like you're trying to find a way to blame your niece for what happened, and your sister is trying to blame your son. Both kids are trying to make it sound like it was the other child's idea, because they realize that the parents are very upset about this, and neither of them wants to get into trouble. The fact is, and I've said it already, no one is to blame for this, least of all the two kids.

When the two of you stop interrogating your children, and stop trying to blame the other child, then perhaps you can sit down and do what needs to be done, which is reassure the two kids that they're not in trouble, and that neither one of them is a molester. Maybe once the adults realize that these are just children being curious, the calm conversation that you need to have with your son, can happen, and you all can move on.

Good luck.

[mamaoffour]

Thank you for the advice.

And I do not mean to make it sound like I am blaming my niece for experimenting, but I don't know how to respond when I feel I need to defend my son from my sister's allegations, especially since I do not think what happened is AS BAD AS what she is making it out to be.

[Alty]

Thank you for the advice.

And I do not mean to make it sound like I am blaming my niece for experimenting, but I don't know how to respond when I feel I need to defend my son from my sister's allegations, especially since I do not think what happened is AS BAD AS what she is making it out to be.

I do understand how you feel. Your sister is blowing this whole thing way out of proportion, but you shouldn't let that affect how you deal with it, and how you deal with your son. If you let her outrageous allegations get to you, your son will notice, and that will make him feel bad about this, which he really shouldn't. It's normal kids stuff.

How she deals with her child is her responsibility. If she wants to completely mess up her child, there's nothing you can do about it. You can only control how you deal with your son.

Personally, I wouldn't have anything further to do with someone that accused my 7 year old of molestation when it's something as innocent as this. Heaven knows what she'll come up with next, or what she'll say to your son. I'd steer clear of her.

[mamaoffour]

I do understand how you feel. Your sister is blowing this whole thing way out of proportion, but you shouldn't let that affect how you deal with it, and how you deal with your son. If you let her outrageous allegations get to you, your son will notice, and that will make him feel bad about this, which he really shouldn't. It's normal kids stuff.

How she deals with her child is her responsibility. If she wants to completely mess up her child, there's nothing you can do about it. You can only control how you deal with your son.

Personally, I wouldn't have anything further to do with someone that accused my 7 year old of molestation when it's something as innocent as this. Heaven knows what she'll come up with next, or what she'll say to your son. I'd steer clear of her.

She's already messed up her kids- she's raising them in a bus. And we are not having anything.more to do with her- I've already advised her to steer clear of my family.

[Alty]

She's already messed up her kids- she's raising them in a bus. And we are not having anything.more to do with her- I've already advised her to steer clear of my family.

Good call.

I feel bad for her poor daughter. At least your son has you, and you know that he did nothing wrong. I know you'll make sure that he understands that.

It's hard to cut family out, but if it puts your children in danger, you have to do what you have to do, and your son is in far more danger from her, than her daughter ever was from your son. I know you realize that.

[mamaoffour]

I do know, but it's nice to hear it from someone else, thanks for your help.

[Alty]

I do know, but it's nice to hear it from someone else, thanks for your help.

You're more than welcome. If you need to talk at all, I'm here every night, and there are great people on this site. Heck, why not check and see if there are any questions you can answer, pay it forward?

I hope you stick around, but if not, good luck, and give your son a great big hug. He's going to be just fine, and so are you. :)

[ScottGem]

Thank you for the advice.

And I do not mean to make it sound like I am blaming my niece for experimenting, but I don't know how to respond when I feel I need to defend my son from my sister's allegations, especially since I do not think what happened is AS BAD AS what she is making it out to be.

No it sounds like fairly normal curiosity. However, if there is any blame to be laid, it belongs to the parents. Sorry, you don't want to hear that, but at 7 years old, both children should have been taught about inappropriate touching.

I do understand how you are struggling to know how to talk to your son. So get help. Try your local library for books on how to talk to children about it. Or talk to a child psychologist who can help you with what to say.