[LearningtoLove]

My husband and I have been married for almost nine years and we have two children. It's been rough like most marriages but at times I thought there wasn't going to be an end. There were times when I thought to end it and just start over.

My husband decided to go back to school and learn something different (in a different country) and at first it was very hard. Now that he's in his final semester of an engineering program, somehow, we've managed to breath again and things have become easier.

Recently, I asked my husband what he thought about me working on a business project sort of thing (outside of work hours) with a male colleague that I work with. About 3 or 4 months ago, this same male colleague was at my/OUR house when my husband and I weren't on such good terms. We had been fighting and were supposed to talk that same day but I completely forgot or something like that and invited my male colleague over to my/OUR house to help fix the Internet.

When my husband called from long distance to continue our conversation from earlier, which was not the nicest might I add, I told him that I could talk at the moment and that I had a male friend over fixing the Internet. My husband is very persuasive so he manged to sneak in a few words to my male friend which I found to be absolutely shocking. He started very nicely commenting on my colleague's smile and then he went straight to business. He asked my colleague "Do you know that my wife and I are probably going to get a divorce?" I immediately hung up the Skype call and wouldn't allow my husband to have any more to say.

My husband called back repeatedly until I switched off my phone and decided no to answer any of our house phones as well. My husband never actually got a chance to speak with my male colleague because I asked him not to and that I would deal with.

When my husband came home for the Christmas break he was true to his word and left it alone. I never actually dealt with the situation and feel scared mentioning it to my husband. Is it OK for me to pursue outside work relations (regarding a business) with my male colleague if it makes my husband unhappy?

[Muffie123]

I have not gotten married yet, but I can try to offer some advice :)

Personally, I feel that if it was OK for you husband to go away to a different country for schooling (with you not knowing who he was socializing with), then there is NOTHING wrong with you doing something work related with a male colleague. As long as you trust yourself and know your intentions, then I do not see why it is an issue. I would try explaining yourself to your husband. You obviously have a powerful relationship if you have been together after 9 years! That is pretty much unheard of nowadays! So, if your husband does not trust you, then maybe you should try marriage counseling to work out your trust issues...

Good luck!

[Alty]

You and your husband are headed for divorce unless you start to communicate.

You precipitated how he reacted by telling him that you couldn't talk because you had a male over to fix your computer. You had to know that he wouldn't react well to that, especially because the two of you were fighting. You then made matters worse by not only hanging up on him, but refusing to take any of his calls.

You know that your husband doesn't want you working with this male colleague, yet you still want to pursue it. Why? Do you want to make him mad? Do you enjoy making him upset? It seems that you do, based on your post, or there's an underlying reason, one you don't mention, which is that you're interested in this male colleague. Is that the case?

The fact is, he feels betrayed by you, and this male colleague is one of the betrayals (how would you feel?). You know how he feels, but you still want to work with this man. Sooner or later one of you has to stop being passive aggressive, you both have to grow up, otherwise divorce is in your future.

I don't think there's a right and wrong in this case. There's a kind, and unkind. By working with this colleague, when you know full well that your husband is worried about it, when your marriage is already rocky, you're being very unkind if you pursue this. You're dooming your marriage. So really, it's your choice, do you want the male colleague, or do you want to try and save your marriage?

[smkanand]

Wake up, this is not marriage.

[talaniman]

Do you really think your marriage is strong enough to cope with this situation? Doesn't appear to be. I think you have a lot of work to do with your husband before you even think about bringing a male into your lives.

Is your marriage or your business the priority?

[joypulv]

I find your entire handling of the situation very strange, not just about what has already been mentioned, but also twice saying 'my/OUR' house. What in the world is that about?

Your question is 'is my husband right.' There is no right or wrong in this kind of situation. It's all about how you and your husband communicate, negotiate, compromise, understand each other. I'm a bit worried that you don't know how to do that, and are using this colleague as a tool to manipulate your relationship.