[mradcliffe58]

I I have 3 sons, all married within the last 3 1/2 years. No daughters. So it has been a learning process for me with the girls. I have made mistakes. I admit I have involved myself too much at times in their lifes. But I get along very well with the oldest and youngest sons' wives. The most recently married young lady though is a different story.
She comes from a very affluent Puerto Rican family. She is the baby and had problems as she grew up: ADD (attention deficit disorder), bad eyesight, teased in elementary school. I believe, because of this, she was extremely catered to and protected. She seems to be unaware when she hurts others' feelings, i.e. her sister, father, etc... And she is hard to have a conversation with as she talks "at" you, constantly talking about her relatives whom she is close to. Her English is perfect as she has always gone to English speaking private schools, and college in New York. One time, visiting them in St. Paul, we went out to a steak dinner. She had a hamburger because only the steaks at The Bottle House in Puerto Rico are acceptable to her to eat. She also informed us that her parents pay her student loans (unlike us), and that when her folks visited they paid for everything! (Unlike us, too.) We are fairly comfortable, but not willing to shoulder adult kids' financial obligations.
Lots of other stories like this, but the problem is what happened when I visited them in St. Pail a few weeks ago. I went alone as their apartment is fairly small, and my husband was working.
Really excited to go up there, we had plans to try a local ski spot. My son and his wife seemed to be excited as well. Went out and bought her a new ski jacket. But that first full day in St. Paul, I could do nothing right. I put my luggage up in a small loft office so it would be out of their way. Instead of asking me to move it, no problem, she jumped down my throat and said it blocked her access to the office.
I like to get things for my sons and wives when I see them. So I took her out shopping looking for a small thing for their apt. She was extremely unpleasant as I don't think she wanted to shop. But beforehand, she wouldn't say what she wanted to do for the day. Even staying home would have been fine by me! And so on and so on…The big to-do started the next morning. We were planning to go to “Afton Alps” to ski, but she woke up in the wrong side of the bed, and spent the whole in her room crying with my son comforting her.
OK, so the next morning I am up and was ready to ski by 8 or 9AM. Finally knocked on their door at 10AM, and she freaked out again. Kept crying. I was getting annoyed so I went for a walk .My son called, and I told him Cecile was being very childish. He said I caused her to cry as I knocked on their door, and this was rude in Puerto Rico. Hard to believe! Somehow she heard over the phone (good ears!) and then she really got worked up. My son asked me to apologise, so I went back up, and offered a very nice apology which she rejected sitting on the bed, facing the wall saying “don't touch me, go away”! In the end, she stayed in her room a day and a half until I left. My son was very upset, apologizing for the fiasco, but defending his wife saying how sensitive she is... But how awful for my son. She is so self centered and selfish, and I guess his happiness and his family are of no importance to her? I will say she finds me “pushy”. Which I think most mothers are somewhat pushy. She sits home with a degree and my son supports her. The issue is that things are pricy in Minnesota: it's a progressive state with high taxes. I encouraged her to get a job in her field, graphic arts. I actually found her a freelance job illustrating a children's book that an acquaintance of mine wrote (she need illustrations). Never heard a word of thanks.. I am very worried how we are going to deal with her. We love our son, and tried to love her. But things look pretty hopeless. I feel so bad for my son, who is an extremely sweet hard working guy.. What do I do to get on the right track now? >email address removed<

[joypulv]

I'm sorry, but I do think you sound pushy, and no, not all mothers are, and that's no excuse anyway.
I would suggest that you visit less and involve yourself less, and allow your son to live his own life. He doesn't need help or protection. He needs a mother who accepts what is. His wife isn't a drug addict, con artist, black widow on her 10th husband, or even out for his money.
I don't think it's ever a good idea to visit married children when they are working either. If one is working, he needs peace and quiet when he gets home. If the one who is not your child is the one you have to spend time with alone, it's bound to be a stressful time - e.g. not liking shopping. I HATE shopping. I have a feeling that she planned to be agreeable and couldn't say no to everything you wanted to do. I think if I encountered her crying I would have packed my bags and gone to a hotel, or gone home.

[mradcliffe58]

Thanks for your opinion. Quick question, do you have any children?

[joypulv]

I'm 66 and never had children.
I have been married, and had my own pushy mother, and a MIL who didn't approve of me.
Hopefully you will hear differing views more sympathetic to your situation.
I was also sensitive to your description of your DIL, and feel for her living in a city new to her in order to be with her husband, losing her close family. I was aware of that more than her personality.
I have certainly had occasion to dislike many people who were introduced into my life by becoming part of the life of someone I liked or loved, whether family or friends. I let them be. It wasn't my job to inform or save anyone.

[mradcliffe58]

I am really not that pushy.(But I do agree I should not have been urging her to get a job. None of my business).I have been very kind to my daughters-in-law. Keep in mind my son is also in a new city with a new job away from his family whom he misses and is close to as well. He likes us to visit. I agree it is stressful for a new daughter in law to be alone with her husband's mother, but it was only a day. Her parents also visit them in St. Paul.
And I don't doubt Cecile started with good intentions. I agree there seems to be a personality conflict, but I am hurt and I feel she was very childish and self centered vis a vis Nick. So what do you suggest me to do about this problem? Aside from not visiting them which I don't plan on.
She seems to be fine when she comes to our house. And I did go to a hotel by the way..

[Wondergirl]

How about if you visit them again, stay in a nearby hotel/motel and do your own thing. If your son and his wife want to be part of your activities, they can be. The two families can meet on neutral territory somewhere or at your motel's social/dining room.

[joypulv]

That's a relief that she is OK at your house. I would suggest offering to pay for half of each airfare out to see you, basically what you would pay to go see them alone.

I suppose it might be difficult for him to get 3 day weekends with a new job. We are still in an economy where employees have to go way overboard just to jeep their jobs.

(It sounds from what you wrote that you were there 2 1/2 days - one shopping and 1 1/2 in her room? Doesn't matter in the big picture though.)

I am 3,000 miles from my sister and 2,000 from my brother, and countless other relatives and friends, and have found Facebook a good way to see lots of news, pictures, and to message each other for instant contact. At my age, however, I'm not really crazy about instant messages of any kind. It's just one of those compromises.

[mradcliffe58]

That is probably a good idea, Wondergirl. We probably should stay at a hotel. And to Joypulv, when they visit us, we always buy both tickets as, although my son makes a very good salary, they are just starting.

Now how do I straighten out the bad feelings that have occurred? We love our son very much, and we would like to be close to his wife like the other daughters-in-law.

Do I apologise? I really feel her behavior was pretty extreme. She cries an awful lot and gets her feeling hurt very easily. But conversely, she is not always that sensitive to others feelings. Your opinions are helpful, thanks.

[Wondergirl]

Maybe she felt threatened by being in your home -- comfortable, well established, and you as an accomplished person, a settled wife/mother? She may feel insecure and childish around you, thus acting like a child as a result.

Does she know how to cook, that she could show you how to make some foods from her country? Or maybe you could do research on her country on your own or with her -- go to the library together and let her choose travel books, etc. for you to read. (I'm trying to think of ways you two can connect.)

[mradcliffe58]

Yes, it could be an idea to ask her to show me some how to make some PR foods. I have been to Puerto Rico a few times visiting her family. But we both love to read.
That might be something. My biggest issue is how to resolve the hurt feelings on both sides.

[Wondergirl]

Yes, it could be an idea to ask her to show me some how to make some PR foods. I have been to Puerto Rico a few times visiting her family. But we both love to read.

Some good PR authors or any authors she reads and you haven't?

That might be something. My biggest issue is how to resolve the hurt feelings on both sides.

Write a short apology note, crisp and clean. Seque into saying you need her help on how to be a better mil and does she have ideas. (Woo woo! Let's open up Pandora's box!)

[Wondergirl]

What is your ethic heritage?

[joypulv]

I would take the high road with a brief apology. No need to elaborate, and no need to explain. Just "Please accept my apology - I'm sure that if I don't try too much too fast, we can be all a good family." Regardless of whether you did or didn't, you stifle your pride to keep the peace. Your son married her! Time should reveal the reasons.

[mradcliffe58]

Norwegian and German, so I guess it's caucasian. Why?

[mradcliffe58]

Ok, Joypulv, that is what I will do. Thank you very much. Sometimes it is hard to see things clearly when they are so close to your heart. I think you have the correct answer. And I like the way you phrased it... May I copy?

[joypulv]

Copy? I'd be honored. Maybe even let us know in a week, month, year how it's going.

[mradcliffe58]

OK. Thanks.

[Wondergirl]

Norwegian and German, so I guess it's caucasian. Why?

Ah, I'm 100% German. You do realize what a difference there is between your ethnic background and hers, right? German/Scandinavian = stiff upper lip ; PR/Latino = emotion demonstrated.

Not to stereotype your dil, but you might want to read up on PR/Latino culture in general and emotional/personal characteristics specifically. A really good book that you will have to get through interlibrary loan is this one (the librarian will need author, title, and the OCLC number at the end, or print out this citation) --

Title: Ethnicity and family therapy /
Author(s): McGoldrick, Monica.
Pearce, John K. ; 1935-
Giordano, Joseph,; 1935 or 36-
Publication: New York : Guilford Press,
Year: 1982
Description: xxiii, 600 p. ; 24 cm.
Language: English
Series: The Guilford family therapy series; Variation: Guilford family therapy series.
Contents: Ethnicity and family therapy : an overview / Monica McGoldrick -- An ecological model of ethnic families / John Spiegel -- American Indians and Alaska Native families : emigrants in their own homeland / Carolyn Attneave -- Black families / Paulette Moore Hines, Nancy Boyd-Franklin -- Afro-American families and the victim system / Elaine Pinderhughes -- West Indian families / Janet Brice -- Mexican families / Celia Jaes Falicov -- Puerto Rican families / Nydia Garcia-Preto -- Cuban families / Guillermo Bernal -- Asian families / Steven P. Shon, Davis Y. Ja -- French Canadian families / Régis Langelier -- German families / Hinda Winawer-Steiner, Norbert A. Wetzel -- Greek families / Eve Primpas Welts -- Iranian families / Behnaz Jalali -- Irish families / Monica McGoldrick -- Italian families / Marie Rotunno, Monica McGoldrick -- Jewish families / Fredda M. Herz, Elliott J. Rosen -- Polish families / Sandra M. Mondykowski -- Portuguese families / Everett Moitoza -- Norwegian families / C.F. Midelfort, H.C. Midelfort -- British families / David McGill, John K. Pearce.
Intervention in a Vietnamese refugee family / Jay Lappin, Sam Scott -- The Latin lover revisited / Carlos E. Sluzki -- The myth of the shiksa / Edwin H. Friedman -- A social systems approach to assessment and treatment for Chinese American families / Evelyn Lee -- Therapy with families in cultural transition / Judith Landau.
Standard No: ISBN: 0898620406; 9780898620405; National Library: 8113440; 007759734 LCCN: 81-20198
Abstract: Social, cultural, and religious characteristics that are relevant to working with Black American families, illustrated with case examples and hands on guide to developing cultural awareness of a specific ethnic population.
SUBJECT(S)
Descriptor: Family psychotherapy -- United States.
Minorities -- Mental health services -- United States.
Ethnic Groups -- psychology.
Family Therapy.
Geographic: USA.
Note(s): Includes bibliographical references and indexes.
Class Descriptors: LC: RC451.5.A2; Dewey: 616.89/156; NLM: WM 430.5.F2
Document Type: Book
Entry: 19820104
Update: 20121130
Accession No: OCLC: 8110040
Database: WorldCat

[JudyKayTee]

I think the problem and the solution are contained in the middle of the otherwise unnecessary details - "But how awful for my son. She is so self centered and selfish, and I guess his happiness and his family are of no importance to her?"

That's what you guess? Maybe she thinks her happiness and her family are of no importance to you.

You are, as you said, too involved in your son's life. Maybe she just plain doesn't like you. Maybe she can read your opinions of her (I see a lot of "privilege" and "pricey" in your post) on your face, hear them in your voice.

You apologized. She didn't want to accept the apology. I'm not saying she's acting adult... but then your son got involved in a dispute between his mother and his wife. You insisted on shopping when you thought she didn't want to go shopping with you?

And whether she works in an expensive (or, for that matter, inexpensive) City is your son's concern, not yours. "She sits home with a degree and my son supports her. The issue is that things are pricy in Minnesota: it's a progressive state with high taxes. I encouraged her to get a job in her field, graphic arts." You ENCOURAGED her? Why? Unless you're paying their rent, isn't it your son's situation to address?

I realize I disagree here, but I am a (step) mother-in-law, and I take my cue from the "in law." I have no problems (thank goodness) but I mind my own business. One of the secrets? When I visit I get a room in a hotel - and they always object. They have their privacy and I have mine. In all families? Probably not. Does it work for "us?" Yes. And I ADORE my step sons-in-law, ADORE them. I would no more "encourage" them to do anything than they would "encourage" me. If asked, sure, we have opinions. If not - zip!

And as far as I'm concerned when it comes between wife and mother your son's loyalty should be toward his wife.

[mradcliffe58]

Thank you, also, Wondergirl. I will employ some of your bonding ideas when I have the chance. And it is interesting what you pointed out about Northern Europeon vs. Latin cultures.

I will keep that in mind. I never thought about it. I am emotional also, but I also keep a stiff upper lip as you say.