[sadgirl808]

My soon to be husband is never horny for me. Not to sound over confident, but I am a very attractive woman. I am 35 and he is 3 years younger, but everyone says I look 22. Anyway, he never wants to make love to me. I always initiate sex and half the time he turns me down. He just says he is tired or not in the mood. I have tried everything and nothing works. I wear super sexy things and even have a school girl skirt from hustler. I suck him off all the time and that is the only thing that can get him in the mood. At his age I doubt it's a testosterone problem. He is always with me and doesn't cheat for sure. He loves his job and isn't stressed. So I don't know what it is. He tells me I am sexy all the time. And we get along great. We r best friends too. I am so depressed over this and it is making me drift apart emotionally. It makes me feel so unsexy. Please help. I have read everything on this topic but nothing fits.

[Wondergirl]

It could be hormonal, it could be medical, his brain could be wired differently (I know guys where sex is the last thing on their list of things to do), or it could be other things. Is this new behavior for him, or pretty much how he has been with other girls?

[Ltf]

Hi sadgirl808
Us men are a weird bunch sometimes if we can have it when every we can have we tend to want something else I know that's dumb

[joypulv]

Some possibilities are low testosterone (no one is too young), closet gay who prefers not to be gay, a hangup about the woman you marry not supposed to be a sexual being, and unusual desires that he will never act on.
Of course there are many others - not as healthy as he appears, or low lying depression, and on and on.

Have you tried to have a heart to heart at a time when you aren't upset and you aren't in bed together? Tell him you feel undesirable but say it matter of factly, and keep it short, so that he can do the talking. If he isn't interested in how this affects you... you might want to postpone the wedding.

[smearcase]

Definitely postpone the wedding and get this resolved. If it can't be resolved it is a deal breaker, based on how you have described what you expect, and your expectations do not sound out of line to me.
It could be one of the causes mentioned above, but unless it is something that can be cured, it sounds to me like you will never be happy with this guy.

[Cat1864]

How long have you been together and has he always been like this? How often are you asking for sex or initiating oral sex? Have you ever waited to see how it would before he initiates sex if you leave him alone?

Are you certain he loves his job and isn't stressed about anything in his life including getting married?

He tells you he is tired or not in the mood and how do you react? Are you putting pressure on him to have sex when he doesn't want to?

Pressure to have sex is a libido limiter. If it continues it can even become a libido killer. Pressure can make something that should mutual and pleasurable to both parties feel like a chore. Many people do not like being maneuvered/coerced/forced into taking care of a chore. It tends to make them put it off until it doesn't get done.

Do you show each other affection in other ways than sexual contact? Holding hands, cuddling, quick kisses on the cheek in passing, etc. Does he feel safe in showing affection when he isn't wanting sex? Do you show him affection when you aren't trying to get him 'in the mood'?

You need to look at your expectations and make certain you aren't substituting sex for love and affection. Once you know what your expectations are talk to him about his expectations. See if you can find common ground. If you plan to marry at any point in the future you need to learn how to discuss issues and listen to what the other person is saying, not what you think they said.

He may have medical issues. He may be tired. He may have stresses you don't know or realize are there. There may be distractions keeping him from feeling sexy and attractive. Your needs may be very different from each other. Talk with him.

If you believe you are sexy and attractive, then you will feel confident enough to not need constant reinforcement from your boyfriend. He cannot make you believe something you don't already feel. By the same token, you cannot make him feel sexy if he isn't receptive.

I think you may have been trying too hard to get what you want and haven't been listening to what he needs. Lighten up on the pressure and see if you can work together to find a compromise.

Good luck.