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Jessica5853 · Feb 20, 2013, 02:12 PM

I’ve been with my boyfriend just under a year. We are both 20 and healthy. I’ve always had a low sex drive and only want it about once a week... but we only have sex once a month... I want it more often. Also he never orgasms when we do have sex. I’ve tried everything, he didn’t orgasm the last time but I believe it’s because we were both a bit scared my parents were awake? Could this have been it? He used to be able to make him orgasm easily but lately. Nothing and after sex he turns over and goes to sleep...

I feel like his sex drive is very low. And he’s a very shy person so when I talk about sex he goes shy and answers in small sentences. How do I boost his sex drive or show him he can initiate sex as well? Sex once a month... if it was once a week or even once every two weeks (I only see him 3 times a month, as were both at different universities and it’s hard to see each other more than that.. but we only have sex one of those times) it scares me that there is something deeper wrong than just a low sex drive?

Also I just wanted to add... it’s always been once a month even at the start of the relationship it’s never been higher.

CravenMorhead · Feb 20, 2013, 04:18 PM

The possibility of being discovered by your parents and the possible fall out from that could be a factor, but I am not sure about that. Has he always been like this? With past girlfriends? If you don't know you should talk to him. Does he drink a lot? Pot? Smoke?

The long distance thing is hard to do and harder to maintain. It looks like you've got a good system going there, but it could also be the distance.

I suppose your best course of action is to:
1). Talk to him, get a little more history. Has this always been an issue.
2) Explain how you feel but don't accuse him of making you feel that way. If that makes sense. You don't want to come down on him, but explain how you feel.
3). Get him checked out.

A note from when I was thinking on this. A college degree isn't a easy thing, I can attest to that. The thing is, the stress and exhaustion from a degree will kill a libido. It is hard to think about pleasing someone when you're afraid of a term paper, or failing a test.

Good luck.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2013, 05:34 PM

Also I just wanted to add... it's always been once a month even at the start of the relationship it's never been higher.

Why would you expect him to change from the way he always has been? What did he say in those small sentences when you talked about it?

Fr_Chuck · Feb 20, 2013, 08:33 PM

Yes, if you see him 3 times a month, does your parents know he is sleeping with you in your room ? Or is he sneaking in ?

Big difference.

But does he stay hard, just does not get off ? Some men can take 30 to 45 minute to ejactulate.

Jessica5853 · Feb 21, 2013, 12:23 AM

He stays hard the whole time. So no issue with that. Also I don't want him to change I just need to know that it is just his low sex drive and that there isn't anything else and if there is anything I can do to increase it maybe? And in the small sentences he just kind of mumbles and agrees with what I say but doesn't really have an answer... When I mentioned a low sex drive he just said "I guess, a bit" and then went too shy to talk. He has slept with one person before me I believe but I don't think he's had a serious relationship before as far as I know it was a one night stand... Could nervousness be down to what holding him off?

Also my parents know we sleep together. I just wanted to add that we don't get to spend much time alone like my family or his family are always around or flat mates etc. We've booked a holiday to devon which will be two weeks alone I am kind of hoping that helps

talaniman · Feb 21, 2013, 09:35 AM

Does he know you use birth control? You have many issues besides just low libido, but there is still much to learn about each other. Privacy is a HUGE issue. So is a lack of communications since you have yet to be able to discuss things.

CravenMorhead · Feb 21, 2013, 12:14 PM

I am starting to think that this is a self-confidence problem. He sounds like a sterotypical geek. Good guy but woefully inexperienced. The privacy of the two weeks should work well, but not guaranteed. I have a feeling that he wants to have sex more often but he has some conflicting voices in his head. He doesn't want you to feel like he is using you for sex and just general "I don't know what the heck I am doing here.".

Does he know how to initiate sex with you? This could be awkward, but that might be a teaching angle you should approach. That kind of fits with the bashfulness of this all.

Jessica5853 · Feb 21, 2013, 12:37 PM

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I am starting to think that this is a self-confidence problem. He sounds like a sterotypical geek. Good guy but woefully inexperienced. The privacy of the two weeks should work well, but not guaranteed. I have a feeling that he wants to have sex more often but he has some conflicting voices in his head. He doesn't want you to feel like he is using you for sex and just general "I don't know what the heck I am doing here.".

Does he know how to initiate sex with you? This could be awkward, but that might be a teaching angle you should approach. That kinda fits with the bashfulness of this all.

That's actually pretty helpful as he has always been very shy even when I first met him and we were good mates he slowly got more and more comfortable with me.. I mean it took him 2years to even admit he wanted a relationship haha. And as far as initiating sex he had got better at it.. And I think he would want it more too.. so do you think.. Maybe it will just take time for him to be completely comfortable initiating and having sex?. Also is there anything I can do to help? There are things that turn him on that I do try to do and it works most of the time.. but is there anything I can do to make him feel more comfortable. And Yes he knows I'm on the pill and were both happy with that.

greentree30 · Feb 24, 2013, 02:53 AM

My husband is the same way. He didn't really have a relationship before me (he only had 2 one night stands), plus he was bullied pretty bad growing up. So he thought girls just didn't like him. Which is not true, I think he just didn't get his chance in high school because he was labeled a "dork". But anyway, in the beginning of our relationship he was really shy to come onto me. He's gotten better, but it's still engrained in him to an extent. He comes onto me now, but sometimes it's really subtle.

I'm just agreeing with Craven, that it's an inexperienced, self confidence issue. I don't have much advice except give it time, genuinely give him compliments and praise him when you really like what he's doing, his confidence should build up over time.