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meggers29 · Feb 16, 2013, 03:03 PM

I’m in a 3 yr. relationship with my boyfriend 23 yrs. My senior. And we have a 21 month old daughter together. My BF was married to his ex for 16 yrs. On and off. Before I knew him so I can’t be mad, he drove to 900 miles to drop his then 14 yr. son off back at his ex's home. She was remarried but her husband was out of town and they ending up sleeping together. His ex has been verbally abusive and an all around snake since we have been together and even before we were together.

Two yrs. Ago we went to pick his son up again for summer and she insisted we stay at her house. Again her husband was out of town. Through the grapevine someone told me if she wanted him she could have. We didn’t stay there he and I were totally against it. Yet a year after that he had child support court up there with his ex and did take his son. His son stayed at a friend’s. I found out my boyfriend stayed at his ex but swore she wasn’t home and he only stayed there for his son who was out running around with friends all night. Yet she was there making coffee when he awoke from the couch. And I found this out on my own. He told me he stayed at his son’s friends parents’ home that was a lie. Then he said well he was going to call and tell me but didn’t get cell service out in the country, yet didn’t tell me when he got home.

Is it insecure for me to think that since his son wasn’t there and they slept together once while he was there and her husband wasn’t home again. And yet he lied about where he said and never told me till I confronted him and let him know I knew he stayed there. She might not have been there if so why lie and she invited us to both stay there before and he wouldn’t yet stayed there without me. Please give advice

Fr_Chuck · Feb 16, 2013, 05:34 PM

She is not pulling anything, your boyfriend is just having sex with his ex, It is as much him as her, I have no idea why you are blaming the women, your boyfriend is the one taking his pants off at her house.

If boyfriend can not stay at motel, just drop son off at house and stay outside, then he is not true to you.

If boyfriend can just jump into bed with ex, he will jump into bed with a co/worker or someone else.

The ex is not trying to do anything, but have sex, you question and blame needs to be with boyfriend who can't seem to say no

JudyKayTee · Feb 16, 2013, 06:01 PM

I don't think she's the snake. She doesn't owe you any type of loyalty. He does, so he's the snake.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 16, 2013, 07:25 PM

Your boyfriend is pulling something, not her. He is lying to you. He is the one you ought to be upset with.

talaniman · Feb 16, 2013, 08:45 PM

Hello baby mama ONE, you cannot compete with ex wife with kids and this older ex couple have a long history between them. Nothing to do with you and way beyond their consideration.

They are both snakes tipping behind their now new mates back. That's YOU and husband #2. You guys are just secondary players in their ongoing failed marriage and relationship. You can raise all the hell you want, but your status is etched in stone and he will never change it.

You can do what she did, go to court and get child support, custody, and visitations set, but you will not move up in the pecking order.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you really have to protect yourself and your child from what they will consider your baby mama drama. Just the way it is.

Cat1864 · Feb 17, 2013, 07:10 AM

For clarification: Two years ago, you went to pick up the son. A year later, he went on his own because of child support. When in the past year did you find out about where he stayed?

I don't know if he cheated or not. I don't know if nothing happened but he lied to protect you from being hurt or himself from your reaction to his staying in her house.

I don't think the insecurity is in being concerned something might have happened. I think it may be in how you found out about where he stayed. If you found out 'on your own', it implies questioning others and snooping. Were you expecting the worse before he left? Did you let him know you were concerned about him making the trip alone?

If you learned about where he stayed from someone else such as his ex, his son or her husband, then look at the reasons the person might give you this information.

I don't know enough about what happened to say you should leave. I don't know if something that was innocent is being turned into something it wasn't. I do know that you don't seem to trust him, but I am not certain if that is because of his 'lies' or because of his past.

You said you can't be angry about what happened before you met him. However, I think those events may be affecting how much you trust him.

Do you love him? What do you want for your marriage? I am going to recommend looking into marriage counseling. It may help you communicate and work through the 'lies' to build a stronger relationship or to decide the marriage is over. What I ultimately hope it will do is help you learn to put any negative feelings aside for the sake of the child who needs both of her parents in her life even if they aren't in each others'.