[vixencrash]

My fiancé and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary in 14 days and our sex life has completely died. For the first few months we had sex every day, then every couple of weeks, then once a month, now it has been 3 months since we've engaged in sexual contact. We've had numerous talks about it, as I was concerned maybe it was the stress we're dealing with in our lives. She reassured me that it wasn't me or the stress, she says she's just never liked sex.

I don't understand why she would've wanted me so bad in the beginning if she didn't like sex at all. When I asked her about this, she told me that this is her pattern in all her relationships. She says she's always very sexual at the start then a couple months into it she feels safe enough to stop having sex to make the other person happy. She insists that she just DOESN'T like sex. Yet she admits that she enjoys the act while it's happening, and this is the source of my confusion.

She's only 23, and she did have a period of opiate addiction, and she tells me that during this time was the only time in her life where she actually wanted sex. This is concerning to me because I have no intentions of allowing drugs into our relationship, but I have a really high libido, and while I do my best to be comforting and understanding, I truly miss the passion she showed me when we first started dating. I would never want her to do anything that she doesn't want to, but the longer I go with out sex the more I feel that I have lost my motivation and ambition and I feel like my fiancé isn't physically attracted to me anymore and I have become uncharacteristically depressed.

I just don't know what to do. I love this woman more than I ever thought it was possible to love, and she tells me every day how excited she is to spend the rest of her life with me. I believe that she's being honest when she tells me she genuinely doesn't like sex but I'm wondering if there is anything that may increase her libido. She's tried women's extenze, and another product that was supposed to help but they had no effect.. . I'm at a loss and I honestly want to make this woman happy for the rest of my life but I don't want to be miserable either...

[CravenMorhead]

You have hit the unfortunate nail on the unfortunate head I am sad to say.

... I honestlywant to make this woman happy for the rest of my life but I don't want to be miserable either...

What you have seen is common in a lot of relationships. You start you hot and heavy and wane to several times a week/month. It goes from the honeymoon phase of the relationship to the sustaining.

What causing this? Familiarity maybe, or maybe life's importance gets in the way as well. It could be that it isn't the new and uncharted territory so the excitement is gone. There are many reasons.

The odd thing here is that she knows this is happening and has seen it in her past relationships. She is wanting to do something about it and that is awesome, but it also looks like she is happy with minimal amounts of sex in her life.

So comes the question, will you be happy spending the rest of your life making this woman happy and being miserable?

[smoothy]

Look at it for what it is... you might really like each other... but you have a major difference in this area... and in a marriage that can make the difference between being happy or miserable for either or both parties.

If you can live with no sex... then go for it... this is how she is... you know how you are. There really isn't a happy compromise that would satisfy you both. You are too far apart on this.

[platinum21]

I am the same way and sometimes it is a pro blem with my fiancé as well. He has an extremely high lipido and I could live without it. He always wants me and I do my part as much as possi ble to satisfy him. Try more foreplay... maybe she will go for that. One thing I have learned is that you have to find a happy medium, balance is important.

[greentree30]

I hate to say it but you'll probably end up miserable (at least in the sex department). It seems to go further than a low libido.. she said many times she just doesn't like sex. And she said she's been like this in all relationships. She has sex in the beginning to keep the guy happy, but once she feels "safe" and is able to be her true self.. the sex is gone. So she only did it in the beginning to keep you around. But she could only keep it up for so long. Now she's able to tell it like it is.. she just doesn't like sex. Maybe there is a psychological reason? Or maybe she qualifies as being an "asexual" person.

If she's determined to fix this then there might be a chance for things to work. I'm not sure if there's a medication for women to increase libido that works? Also you could try counseling. And put off the wedding until things get a lot better. But if this is how it's going to be (yall haven't had sex in 3 months and have only been together a year!), I think you're going to be very unhappy.


I have a close friend who is the same way. She could go without sex for the rest of her life and be completely happy. She doesn't want to feel that way, but she can't help it. Her parents made her feel like sex is dirty and if she enjoys sex she's "slutty". So when she has sex she still feels like she's doing something wrong. That probably has a lot to do with it. But even so, I find it weird for her to have zero desire. But anyway, she argues with her husband about it all the time. She basically just lets him have sex, but she gets nothing out of it. She wishes there was some kind of female viagra so she could actually enjoy sex.

[Ahj60]

I understand your confusion and desire that she changes. Not to be judgmental but I would put the brakes on this engagement until she sees a professional about this. The fact is it is one thing to have things wane ( or almost stop completly) after 3 kids and 25 years (wonder who I am talking about?) of marriage but not before it starts.

[talaniman]

You still have more options to explore, if she is willing, like a doctor, or sex therapist, but maybe the fact is she will never change so ask her what she expects you to do for the rest of your life. Interested in hearing her suggestions, and solutions.

That to me would help decide a future, since she has gone through this before and its not like she hasn't had time to think on it. No way can this be a NO compromise on something that works for you and don't ignore the red flag,

She says she's always very sexual at the start then a couple months into it she feels safe enough to stop having sex to make the other person happy. She insists that she just DOESN'T like sex. Yet she admits that she enjoys the act while it's happening, and this is the source of my confusion.

At some point you may have to reevaluate this love you have and think long term if the short term is so gloomy.