[curious156]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. We love each other very much, but I just can't stand the fact that he watches porn, especially barely legal stuff. I personally find this stuff degrading to women, men and a committed relationship-with talks of marriage. However, I want to mention that I am not a prude, I enjoy sex very much and I am the one with the high sex drive while he is always coming up with excuses. His porn watching makes me feel inadequate and guilty because on one hand, I have the need to be respected as a female and these are little girls that he is getting off on in my eyes, and on the other hand, he barely has sex with me. Now I am not questioning whether he loves me, but I can't help but wonder what is going on here? I am lucky if we have sex once every 2 weeks, and when we do I am the one who does everything. Also he is not the shy type of guy, he has been with more partners than I like to think about and I basically feel like I am missing out on a vital part of what a relationship is suppose to include. We are young, and so early in the relationship, what should I do?

[fistik21]

Talk to him about it. If your not happy break up with him and move on. If he really loves you, he would stop doing something that he knows bothers you

[MikeBear]

I agree with your answer about moving on. A good relationship has to include respect, honesty, and caring. He would rather watch porn than have sex with you!
I don't think you want to keep feeling this way for a long time. Tell him to either quit it, or you will start looking around. I would then start meeting new people. You are a great person, and not inadequate! It's him who needs help, not you. Be prepared to find yourself a new boyfriend; someone who really puts you first in everything.

[talaniman]

Have you talked about it? What does he say? That's how problems are solved by talking about it, and reaching compromises, and when you cannot, the relationship dies.

[backpack2389]

For a moment, forget everything about the porn... Are you dissatisfied in your relationship? If you weren't upset about the porn, would you be putting your sex life under a microscope and deciding you're unhappy? If you are truly unhappy, then I would say it's worth talking to him honestly about your desire to have more sex. If he doesn't seem interested in having sex more often and you can't imagine continuing to have sex at the frequency that (or lower than) you currently do, I would say that it's time to move on.

Sex is a fundamental part of a romantic relationship and you two seem sexually imcompatible. If you force the relationship, you'll likely end up feeling constantly rejected by him and he'll feel like he is not satisfying you. That relationship will not be a happy, successful one. Some things should just come naturally and sexual compatibility is one.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most men watch porn, the majority, just do it in secret and lie about it, so he is being honest about it.
It has nothing to do with you. And yes, you may try to act like you are not a prude but you are. You pure reason for not liking it, has nothing to do with your relatinship.

If he is doing porn instead of being with you. Of course if you always fuss at him about it, most likely he just does it instead now.

You ignore it, and work on building up your relationship with him.

Do you sit at the table or couch and talk about the issues having sex together, not the porn, leave that alone, just talk, about what he needs to have more sex with you, and so on.
Get into counseling.

But part of it, will be you having to accept porn as something he is going to do,

[JudyKayTee]

Communicaton is the key to a relationship. Talk to him, ask him. You've expressed yourself here. Have you expressed yourself to him?

"Walk away" is flippant info and difficult when you're in a relationship. Maybe you can resolve this. Maybe you can't. Only you and he know.

I don't find porn to be disrespectful to a female until/unless she takes a stand against it.

Then it enters the category of not being able to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Maybe he'll weigh your relationship against porn and decide he'd rather watch porn.

Then your decision is made for you.

[CravenMorhead]

It is easy to vilify someone with porn. It has such a negative and taboo reputation that it is easy for it to become a reason for pretty much anything.

I believe your boyfriend has a libido issue that is completely unrelated to porn. Is he tired/exhausted a lot? Is he very stressed? Does he abuse drugs/alcohol? Is he a smoker? How old are the both of you? There are a lot of things that can affect a man's libido. How is your relationship and intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I see a lot of your own self-image and self-esteem projects here projecting them upon your boyfriend. You don't trust him to choose you when presented with the options that porn present and you're worried that your body isn't good enough for him because he likes to look at other naked women. Maybe if you were thinner, or had bigger boobs, or had blonde hair, or bigger booty, than he wouldn't need porn and would ravish me left right and centre. That is a fools errand. It is the same way that beauty magazines keep make-up and weight loss companies in the black.

When a man is watching porn he is not judging the actresses assets compared to their mates. How can I compare my wife to a black midget? Honestly? It isn't because we're dissatisfied with how you look. I can almost guarantee you he loves the way you look naked. The reason we like looking at naked women is that we like looking at naked women. They don't even need to be naked, a waitress bends over the right way and you can see down her shirt. It is a biological imperative. It isn't a reflection of dissatisfaction.

The male arousal cycle is very visual. We see naked woman and we get wood. That doesn't mean that, if given the chance, we would boink said woman. We're committed to our mates. That doesn't stop us from getting aroused. As you well know the female arousal cycle is farm more complex and, more importantly, different.

I know I am doing a horrible job in explaining this, but the bottom line is that porn isn't the problem here. It is your boyfriends libido. You can only start to solve that issue with frank and honest communication.

Also, the quest to find a man who doesn't watch porn would be long and probably fruitless. It isn't him that has to change but you.

[curious156]

It is easy to vilify someone with porn. It has such a negative and taboo reputation that it is easy for it to become a reason for pretty much anything.

I believe your boyfriend has a libido issue that is completely unrelated to porn. Is he tired/exhausted a lot? Is he very stressed? Does he abuse drugs/alcohol? Is he a smoker? How old are the both of you? There are a lot of things that can affect a man's libido. How is your relationship and intimacy outside of the bedroom?

I see a lot of your own self-image and self-esteem projects here projecting them upon your boyfriend. You don't trust him to choose you when presented with the options that porn present and you're worried that your body isn't good enough for him because he likes to look at other naked women. Maybe if you were thinner, or had bigger boobs, or had blonde hair, or bigger booty, than he wouldn't need porn and would ravish me left right and centre. That is a fools errand. It is the same way that beauty magazines keep make-up and weight loss companies in the black.

When a man is watching porn he is not judging the actresses assets compared to their mates. How can I compare my wife to a black midget? Honestly? It isn't because we're dissatisfied with how you look. I can almost guarantee you he loves the way you look naked. The reason we like looking at naked women is that we like looking at naked women. They don't even need to be naked, a waitress bends over the right way and you can see down her shirt. It is a biological imperative. It isn't a reflection of dissatisfaction.

The male arousal cycle is very visual. We see naked woman and we get wood. That doesn't mean that, if given the chance, we would boink said woman. We're committed to our mates. That doesn't stop us from getting aroused. As you well know the female arousal cycle is farm more complex and, more importantly, different.

I know I am doing a horrible job in explaining this, but the bottom line is that porn isn't the problem here. It is your boyfriends libido. You can only start to solve that issue with frank and honest communication.

Also, the quest to find a man who doesn't watch porn would be long and probably fruitless. It isn't him that has to change but you.

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. So when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like I said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. My reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person I love in front of me. I mean if I had a libido problem I would give all my energy to him.. this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.

Most men watch porn, the majority, just do it in secret and lie about it, so he is being honest about it.
It has nothing to do with you. And yes, you may try to act like you are not a prude but you are. You pure reason for not liking it, has nothing to do with your relatinship.

If he is doing porn instead of being with you. of course if you always fuss at him about it, most likely he just does it instead now.

You ignore it, and work on building up your relationship with him.

Do you sit at the table or couch and talk about the issues having sex together, not the porn, leave that alone, just talk, about what he needs to have more sex with you, and so on.
Get into counseling.

But part of it, will be you having to accept porn as something he is going to do,

I don't think this helps at all. Obviously I know that my boyfriend is attracted to me and that is not the issue. The issue is I am being ignored because of the porn because it's easier for him, but what about me? There are two people in a relationship. I would understand if I was the one who didn't want to have sex, but I think "just get over it and get used to it" is a cop out. Am I supposed to tell him that if I look for an emotional relationship somewhere else, because that is the female version of this. I want our sexual intimacy to match our affection, because there is real love here. We do talk and I can see how it may turn into nagging for him, but how am I supposed to say I want more sex other than saying it or pursuing it with him and he shuts down.

[Cat1864]

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. so when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like i said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. my reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person i love in front of me. i mean if i had a libido problem i would give all my energy to him..this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.

Have you told him you feel like he is being 'lazy and inconsiderate'? I sincerely hope not. It would be a libido killer for many people if their partner said that to them.

How often do you try to get him to have sex?

Have you tried looking at the issue from his point of view? You say now that you give all your energy to him, but I think you are still looking at it from your 'side'. Step into his shoes and imagine yourself going through his day/week. You know the stress and exhaustion he is under from work. Plus the pressures of everyday living. Add demands from friends and family. On top of that add the demands from a partner to satisfy her/his needs for sex. When all you want is a quick release without worrying about another person's needs, there is your partner saying 'take care of me.' The partner may not mean for it to sound selfish and self-serving, but that may be how it could sound to you as the person who wants to be left alone. Would you want to have sex with someone if you felt like they were ignoring your needs? Would you begin to feel like you were there simply for their pleasure? Many people in that scenario start backing off from sexual contact because it feels like a chore instead of pleasure.

Pressure to have sex is in itself a libido limiter. Is there any chance of his work becoming less stress and exhaustion inducing? If not, then you both need to decide if you can find a compromise that works or if you are too far apart in your needs to find common ground.

[CravenMorhead]

I think you may be right. He is always tired and stressed with work and that's his main reason for not wanting to have sex. so when he engages with porn I feel like he is being lazy and inconsiderate, asking myself why he doesn't just get off with me. We do talk about this although he is reluctant, and I have suggested to watch with him or to do new things, because like i said I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX, and he seem embarrassed. my reasoning is why masterbate if I have the person i love in front of me. i mean if i had a libido problem i would give all my energy to him..this is why I am upset. The feelings of inferiority result from this.

Because you're not a c*m dumpster? How long would you be with him if he would walk into the room, bend you over, spoooge, and leave?

When a man masturbates it is scratching an itch. It is a personal moment to just pleasure himself. There is no one else he has to worry about. This means that doesn't need to worry about your satisfaction, if he's clean, if you're clean, if you're in the mood, et al. It is just him and his hand. The porn provides that spark of fantasy that allows him to get off.

All he wants to do is c*m and move along. It isn't that he finds sex with you bad. I believe he is just so exhausted and stressed that he can't wrap his mind around making love. He just wants a little "Me time" and move along.

Ignore the porn and masturbation issue. That is a non-starter. That is normal.

What the problem here is that he's tired and stressed. That is what you need to fix.

Tell us a little more about your lives together. Do you work the same shifts? Do you have kids? What is causing all his stress? How are you doing financially?

[curious156]

Wow it's really easy to see who values a relationship and who doesn't in these answers. Most of you were helpful and some of you were just selfish and immature in your answers. You don't know me or my boyfriend and some of you started to make comments like you did. The advice ended a long time ago. So anyway... I talked to him. I said, "look i'm not going to make you but i want you to put a porn blocker on your phone." he said," i swear i only watch it once a month when you're not around and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to have sex with you. i love you. you're everything. i always want to have sex with you. i'm just so tired, you have to consider that." and that was that. Now I don't think that I am being selfish or insecure or any of that. I shared with my boyfriend that I don't like something that he does and he agreed to stop doing it. Now I know there are going to be a whole lot of hate comments because people are so "me" focused and don't like to see a boyfriend "give into" his girlfriend. The thing here is that it was never about that, and I hate that everyone made it about that. If he asked me to stop doing something because it legitimately bothered him I would. That's what a serious relationship is: caring about the other person and sometimes putting them first. And as far as the porn was going, it wasn't helping the relationship or bringing us closer together, so it got thrown out the door. So my advice to others is don't sell yourself short because society thinks that your standards are too high or unrealistic. Everyone is different and yes some guys will listen to you and consider your feelings when it comes to your relationship. Forcing anyone doesn't do anything productive, but do have the self-esteem to stick up for your beliefs and feelings, that is what keeping you individuality is, not having a whole other secret life your partner doesn't know about. Individuality and personal needs are too stressed in this culture, that's why people divorce and go from partner to partner, everyone is out to get their's. A relationship involves two people, two sets of feelings/needs/logic/beliefs/etc... and working together is what is supposed to happen, not "just getting used to it."

[talaniman]

You got what you wanted, and I am happy for you. :)

[curious156]

You got what you wanted, and I am happy for you. :)

thank you. Finally someone who wants these questions to get real answers and have these issues work out. =)

[Fr_Chuck]

Come back in a few months when you find he is not just lying to you, so you hear what you want and he is still looking at it.

And no of course you would not give up something you really wanted ( nor should you)

He will not stop, for long anyway, just now he will hide it from you more.
Sorry you don't fully understand how it works and think you can demand and control your boyfriend.

[JudyKayTee]

Your controlling attitude comes across loud and clear. Once again a person who asks for help but only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I want to be the Queen of England. That's not going to happen either - same as you "wanting your boyfriend to stop watching porn."

I find it humorous that OP asks a question about a relationship and then preaches about how relationships work.

[smoothy]

Your controlling attitude comes across loud and clear. Once again a person who asks for help but only wants to hear what she wants to hear.

I want to be the Queen of England. That's not going to happen either - same as you "wanting your boyfriend to stop watching porn."

I find it humorous that OP asks a question about a relationship and then preaches about how relationships work.

You should see the posts that were removed by a moderator where they went off on a tirade.

[CravenMorhead]

You're talking about me aren't you? I know you are. Gets me tickled pink. :-D

Wow it's really easy to see who values a relationship and who doesn't in these answers. most of you were helpful and some of you were just selfish and immature in your answers. you don't know me or my boyfriend and some of you started to make comments like you did. the advice ended a long time ago.

I am married with a child on the way. Just saying. How do you expect us to say anything to you if you expect us to know you before we answer. You're a unique little flower, just like everyone else. The thing is most people can be generalized and categorised by their comments. You display a lot of yourself in your comments and your posts.

I think people's assessment of you is completely fair.

so anyway...I talked to him. I said, "look i'm not going to make you but i want you to put a porn blocker on your phone." he said," i swear i only watch it once a month when you're not around and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to have sex with you. i love you. you're everything. i always want to have sex with you. i'm just so tired, you have to consider that." and that was that.

So you want him to put a porn blocker on his phone because you can't trust him to stop and honour the compact you made with him? Interesting.

Well that kind of sums it up for you doesn't it. The 'once a month' is just a way to make it seem like he isn't consuming it as much as it seems. A White Lie to make him look not so bad.

His libido is limited by exhaustion. What more do you need to know? He watches porn and rubs one off when you're not around. No harm no foul.

now i don't think that i am being selfish or insecure or any of that. i shared with my boyfriend that i don't like something that he does and he agreed to stop doing it. now i know there are going to be a whole lot of hate comments because people are so "me" focused and don't like to see a boyfriend "give into" his girlfriend.

Control is a funny thing. Does he come back with things he would like you to do? Does he ask you to put the toilet seat up when you're done so that he doesn't pee on the seat in the middle of the night?

It is a matter of scale. There is compromise, there has to be, but there is also the matter of control. Why do you want to change the man you fell in love with. There was a funny comic I read a while back and I will describe it for you. First panel, woman meets man and they fall in love. Second panel, "You would be better if you got a better job/dressed better/stopped watching so much sports/et al." Third panel, "I think we should break up, you're not the person I fell in love with." Fourth panel, guy going, What the f**k just happened here?

I will get back to this.

the thing here is that it was never about that, and i hate that everyone made it about that. if he asked me to stop doing something because it legitimately bothered him i would. that's what a serious relationship is: caring about the other person and sometimes putting them first. and as far as the porn was going, it wasn't helping the relationship or bringing us closer together, so it got thrown out the door. so my advice to others is don't sell yourself short because society thinks that your standards are too high or unrealistic. everyone is different and yes some guys will listen to you and consider your feelings when it comes to your relationship. forcing anyone doesn't do anything productive, but do have the self-esteem to stick up for your beliefs and feelings, that is what keeping you individuality is, not having a whole other secret life your partner doesn't know about. individuality and personal needs are too stressed in this culture, that's why people divorce and go from partner to partner, everyone is out to get their's. a relationship involves two people, two sets of feelings/needs/logic/beliefs/etc... and working together is what is supposed to happen, not "just getting used to it."

BTW, before you make generalizing remarks, my first wife left me and divorced me because she never really loved me. I compromised and put her first before EVERYTHING. It was not enough. This tactic made me a doormat. Careful with what you say, you might have it egregiously wrong.

So you're limiting what can arouse your boyfriend to just you, as per your compromise. Are you doing the same for yourself? Fair is fair. The female arousal cycle is more emotional, that is why romance novels and romantic comedies do so well. Are you going to, as you expect him to, remove all external sources of arousal?

A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are. Everyone has expectations of what should happen in their relationships. The problem is resolving them with what is instinctual to everyone involved. You're expecting him to deny his biological drives. All that is going to happen is that he is going to become a better liar. He will learn about the private browsing or incognito or whatnot. No history. He won't stop.

You're not understanding what and why he is doing what he is doing. You are jumping to the emotional response and expecting unrealistic things to cater to your own insecurities. If you understand what is going on you might realize that this is a non-issue and that it is his exhaustion that is causing bedroom problems and not porn. That is just something you have a death grip on and aren't will to budge on. Your prerogative.

TL;DR: (To long Didn't read summary). You're not walking the mile in his shoes. Rather you want him to walk barefooted because his shoes are too big and thus don't fit your delicate feet.

[backpack2389]

"A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are."

Then wouldn't the solution for both genders be to spend less time, not more, indulging in fantasy? If the idea is that these fantasies are feeding into and using our natural drives to shape unrealistic expectations to a point that is damaging, isn't this making the opposite argument?

[CravenMorhead]

"A while back I came across a saying that implied that we're raising the most sexually frustrated generation. Men are wondering where their 'porn stars' are and women where their 'prince charmings' are."

Then wouldn't the solution for both genders be to spend less time, not more, indulging in fantasy? If the idea is that these fantasies are feeding into and using our natural drives to shape unrealistic expectations to a point that is damaging, isn't this making the opposite argument?

Got it in one.

Rather learn to pick out the difference between fantasy and reality. What is realistic and what isn't.

An image with the saying.