[miltbc13]

Hi,
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8months and it turnout to be great until I recently find out her past sexual partners. My girlfriend is 33, I’m 29 and we started seeing each other while she was legally married but her husband had moved out of the house. I found about my girlfriend had and affair with a married man for some time and she had been with another single guy for another period just within one year or so after her marriage went downhill. I would like to explain the situation a bit first if you allow me or you can just jump to the section where I describe my dilemma.

Last two weeks:
She began receiving messages through social website (FB) where this “women” insulted her in so many ways, and I received one message also telling to be careful because she is a b**** bla, bla, bla. I kept digging and she eventually ended up telling me that she had an affair with a married man about a year ago that lasted about 2weeks. She told me that being with the married man was a big mistake of her part and that she really regrets it. Anyway, my girlfriend told me that the married man’s wife had found out about an email he had sent to my girlfriend a while back but that my girlfriend haven’t even open it. We concluded that it was this guy’s wife who started sending the FB messages since my girlfriend starting posting pictures of us on FB. This married man is related to one of my girlfriend’s friend which is why his wife might have seen the pictures of us. My girlfriend also told me that there was another guy but that he was single so I didn’t care much.

How we started seeing each other:
Our relationship has been an unusual one since it began as physical attraction along other circumstances. My girlfriend has been friend with my sister for several years, and I was attracted to her when I started showing up at my sister’s events/parties. At that point I didn’t make any move except to tell her hi because my sister told me that she was married. Last year mid May 2012, she was at my sister’s party again where we actually sort of connected and started dancing and talking. I then found out that her husband had moved out of the house. We started flirting through the social web (FB) and eventually she gave me her phone number. We went on our first date were we really connected and the second date (one week later) we ended up having sex and it was one of the first greatest nights I had. The first 3months it was all physical until she decided to end it because she was still married and to her, I was with her just for the sex which yes, I was. However I insisted and we kept seeing each other but couple of months later she wanted to end it again for the same reason so I decided to make “formal” to call it that way. We stared going out on public and even introduced her to my dad and other family members on a new year’s party as my girlfriend.

Little bit about her past:
She married at 17 and have been married and happy for 15 years until the 16th year, her marriage start going downhill because, according to her, her husband was too jealous, he didn’t take her on dates or didn’t’ want to go out with her to events/parties, and that they always ended up arguing. Her husband didn’t want to go to events/parties with her which is why I always seen her only with her 9yr daughter at my sister’s parties. On her 17th year of marriage (around mid 2011), her husband move out of the house since they were “always fighting” however, she didn’t file for divorce until July 2012.

My current dilemma:
After she told me about that “affair” with a married man, things inside my head have been escalating in enormous proportions eventhought I told her that I didn’t really care about her past. I don’t really care with how many guys she has been, with the exception of two things that has been bothering me that I haven’t told her:
1. that she was with a MARRIED MAN
2. that she has been with the married guy first, another guy second, and me third, within ONE YEAR or so. Not at the same time of course.

I now morally, being with a married man is wrong and it seems she regrets it.
The fact that she has been with two other guys after her husband and before me within such a short period is giving me second thoughts about the type of person she really is. The image I had of her has sort of changed a little.
When we started seeing each other she had told me that she never had been with a younger man unfortunately when I found out about her past, turns out the married man is 31 and the other guy she was with was 27…a little pissed that she took that from me but I can live with it.
Two days later after she confessed me her past during the last year, she then told me that the affair with the married man actually lasted 3months and not 2weeks like told me and that she lied about the time it lasted because she didn’t want me to think bad of her…and I agree, 3months is long to be with a married man then realize it was a mistake.
About a month ago, someone close to the married man who knew about the affair posted an insulting comment on FB mentioning her name. She then shared her FB password where I use it and found a message from that married guy in her “other” folder since she is no friends with him. She was basically asking her to just tell him that “if it is bothering her that he is texting her” so he can just stop texting her. My girlfriend told me that she had contacted him to tell him about that insulting comment that was posted on FB by his relative to see if he do anything to make it stop and that she had to go to her phone records online to find his cell number. He started texting since then but that she barely responded back and that it was innocent texting which in my conclusion, that is why he sent the FB message to her. She then changed her phone number and closed her FB account.
All those findings been compiling in my head and I ‘m only thinking negatively of her and even of our relationship when I’m not with her. She assures me that she was loyal during our relationship and I do believe her but somehow those two reasons and little lies are giving me just negative thoughts when I’m not with her. She has shown me that she cares about our relationship, and she really wants to be with me
I know she was still married legally (but separated) when we started that sort of fling which over time became into a relationship that we both started enjoying. However, those two reasons have been the foundation to start some many conflicts within my head and feelings about going further with this relationship.
I’m so confused and going crazy since I never been in this type of relationship. I have been in relationships but when it ended it, it just did and I just didn’t care and let it go. I can’t tell if it’s my lack of experience for this type of relationship, or my insecurities that those lies have generated.

Am I confusing my sexual attraction that I had at the beginning of the relationship for real feelings?
Am I being too neurotic about her past and making a big deal out of it?
Am I being too selfish?
Is my guts telling to run away now?

I would appreciate your perspective of my situation and any suggestions to move forward since this issue is impacting my job, grad school, I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t make a decision since I don’t want to let her go but I don’t want those things to be bothering me. She assures me that that is a phase of her life that wants to forget however; my biggest fear is that her past decisions might have a impact in our future as couple.

[silver421]

I'm in a very similar situation as you pal. I have also recently found out about my bf's past history with women and let's say it's a bit excessive. However, I am with him now, and have learned to accept that it was his past, and that he is with me now. In your situation, it was her past, but the difference is that her past is haunting your present. Perhaps have another serious sit down talk with her if you love her that much, and discuss how its affecting you and for her to just be frank and that there's no judgement. There are always things people would like to hide from their significant other because perhaps they did something shady and does not want to be judged because it was the past and not how he/she is now. Just talk to her and get it off your chest, otherwise it will just fester and drive you crazy. I know it first hand! Perhaps taking a break would help clear your mind. I plan on doing so myself. Clear your head and see if this is the type of person you want to be with, and whether you can accept them for all their good and bad.