[tinbuktum]

Hi, I am 31 and have been dating this new guy for 7 months now. He is 39 and his last relationship was an affair with a girl who had a boyfriend. He was honest and told me that he really intensively loved her before we got together (she chose on being with her boyfriend). She was the one to approach him so now he feels very hurt and played around. The thing is that I knew about the situation and we could talk about it. He treats me amazing and tells me often that he loves me. Recently he asked me to move in together and I agreed. However, just couple days ago he let me to use his whatsup to send myself pics he took of us with his iPhone. Accidentally I read his message to his best friend saying that it is good for him to be in a relationship with me but he knows it is selfish as he still thinks a lot about that other girl and doesn't think he would ever stop. He thinks I am a good girl for him but is still searching for the "butterflies".

I didn't tell him anything as everybody has past and their right to that. However, I feel very stupid and fooled around. To be honest I cannot take this out of my head as I cannot believe he could pretend to be happy with me so well. I never noticed him being away in his mind or disconnected. We talked about it in-directly (I didn't tell him I saw the message) and he was very convincing in telling me how much he loves me and how happy he is with me. He is VERY into looking for a flat for us but it just scares me that he is rushing so much because it HAS to work for him. He is almost 40 and really wants children and to settle down.

I would appreciate your opinion if I should invest in this as to be honest I do not want to be wasting time. I like this guy a lot though.

Thanks!

[Stargard]

Oh my word, huge red flags... dont move in with him please!

First red flag, he was in a deceitful relationship, what's to say he wouldn't do the same to you?

Second red flag, you're his plan B I'm afraid. Think you're part of his agenda to settle down and have kids etc. he's settling for you because he can't have her.. he still has feelings for her, you've read that.

You must know you are worth more than this, he's playing you, don't let it happen.

[Oliver2011]

I am going to have to agree with Stargard on this one. Both red flags even. I would also add that by moving in with him you would remain his Plan B while having his cake and eating it too. Meaning - he could see someone else or dream about this other girl while having you there to meet his other needs. He could do that anyway, but at least you wouldn't be there for when this relationship falls apart.

Honestly, don't settle for someone who cheats. UGH! I hate cheating and would move on if my partner cheated. And I agree, once a cheater, always a cheater because those types of people need the excitement of cheating.

[GaryOak]

Tell him what you saw and force a decision. He never fully had that other girl and might always imagine what could have been. Make him think about losing you too and decide which is worse. If he's honest and you tell him that you won't settle for a man who thinks he's settling for being with you he'll respect you more. It might be that no amount of being a good girlfriend will disabuse him of his fantasy, face it. Or when that girl is feeling lonely he'll tell you that he warned you.

[ANGIE4124]

Let me ask you Tinbuktum; would you go swimming in the sea where there are RED FLAGS posted along the beach? I think you are intelligent for me to say that you would not.

So let's just say this 'new guy' is giving you 'red flags' and he is also the life-guard on duty watching you as you go in knee deep as the rushing waters come in… As you go waist deep the life-guard warns you! You ignore the warning and he allows you to go head deep, being dragged and pulled under the water to your… But why did the life-guard do nothing as it were? Well, apparently the fact is; he went off searching for Butterflies!

Currently this situation is at your knees and approaching waist deep with us warning you of what remains ahead! Here you are able to walk back to safety.

[talaniman]

I would certainly slow things down before committing or investing your life and heart on a fellow that's trying toreplace what he had with YOU. He wins and gets what he wants, you don't/won't.

Very bad investment after 7 months, and you already know his offer is tainted. Please reconsider, after all what's the rush as there may be other things besides being an enabler to a cheater that you need to know about him.

Too many LARGE red flags to just take his words of love and jump in.

[Homegirl 50]

This sounds like a lose lose situation to me. You are not who he wants but you're good enough to settle for, he is lying to you and he is also a cheater. This is not the kind of guy you want to move in with and give your heart to.