Check out some similar questions!

Katieray · Jan 8, 2013, 04:56 PM

I've been dating this guy for a couple months now and we finally resolved the whole jealousy thing but a new problem has popped up.

So I live with my mother again and she still likes to keep tabs on me so one day I was going to go to my boyfriends house for the night and its only like a 10-15 minute drive but it was snowing so she wanted me to get ahold of her when I got to his house. I didn't have a cell phone or anything at the time so my boyfriend let me use his phone. I figured I'd just send my mom a Facebook message. I went to safari on his phone to go to Facebook but when I opened it up a picture of a penis popped up on the screen and it said something about Craigslist casual encounters m4m. I was embarrassed that I saw it and just pretended I didn't and I didn't say anything to him.

I know he had had threesomes with a girl and another man before, but he kept asking if I wanted to have one. I said I wasn't interested and he hasn't asked me since.

A few nights ago he called me, really drunk, to come pick him up from the bar. I went and got him and when we got back to his place he started to tell me he was bi sexual. I kind of freaked out and changed the subject and I haven't talked to him much since and I haven't gone to see him.

I'm not again gay people what so ever I have 2 gay best friends, so I don't know why I'm so freaked out about him being bi. I'm honestly not sure what to do. Am I overreacting or what? I'm so sorry but I'm also so confused!

Alty · Jan 8, 2013, 05:05 PM

He's not gay, he's bi. What that means is that he's attracted to both females and males. This wouldn't be a problem if he were in a committed relationship with you, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

The site that popped up on his phone, is he an active member? Is he hooking up with guys while dating you? That's the part that would upset me. He can be bi and be in a relationship, but it doesn't seem that he is committed to just you.

You need to talk to him, find out where he's at, what he wants. The way I read this, him being bi isn't the issue, it's the fact that he's not fully committed to you that's the issue.

Katieray · Jan 8, 2013, 05:08 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

He's not gay, he's bi. What that means is that he's attracted to both females and males. This wouldn't be a problem if he were in a committed relationship with you, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

The site that popped up on his phone, is he an active member? Is he hooking up with guys while dating you? That's the part that would upset me. He can be bi and be in a relationship, but it doesn't seem that he is committed to just you.

You need to talk to him, find out where he's at, what he wants. The way I read this, him being bi isn't the issue, it's the fact that he's not fully committed to you that's the issue.

How do I bring it this up to talk about though? Like I'm so afraid I'm going to say something wrong to offend him or to make him think I love him less or think less of him. I'm not sure just how often he uses the site, I don't ask questions about stuff like that and I don't go through his phone or anything. I trust him not to cheat on me but I want him to be open and honest with me about this whole situation. Help! Lol

Alty · Jan 8, 2013, 05:22 PM

Communication is the key to a good relationship. I know it's a common adage, but it's common because it's true. If you can't talk to the person you love, the person you're sharing your life with, then who can you talk to?

It will be a difficult conversation, I won't pretend that it will be easy. But it's a conversation you have to have with him. Be open, honest, speak your mind, and listen to what he has to say, and then figure out if this is a man you can continue to have a relationship with. If not, that's fine, but it is something you have to figure out, and only you can decide. But talk to him. That's the first step.

fredg · Jan 8, 2013, 05:23 PM

I am 70 yrs old, married for 7 yrs, then divorced. I remarried, this time for 30 yrs, until my wife died 6 yrs ago. I have never been interested in gays, or anyone who likes a threesome.
You must really be a person who doesn't care very much about being "straight" or going with a guy who is "straight". A good relationship must have respect, honesty, trust, and a willingness to talk about anything. I think this guy doesn't fill any of the above for a good relationship. I do wish you would look around, talk with other guys, and find yourself someone who will treat you wish respect. It's hard enough these days to find anyone you really trust and can love, and this guy doesn't seem to be the one. I do wish you the best, and Happy New Year.

Alty · Jan 8, 2013, 05:31 PM

Now, I do agree that they need to talk, he needs to explain the site she found, and she needs to know if he's still looking, or if he's committed to her. But I don't think she should give up on this guy without talking things through first.

The problem here is lack of communication, not the fact that he's bi.

dontknownuthin · Jan 8, 2013, 05:43 PM

I think Fred's point in stating his age and marital history is to point out that he has some experience in life and in maintaining a successful marriage. I think that's relevant. I don't think being 70 prevents a person from being aware what "bi" means.

It IS difficult for some bi people, from what I've been told by bi people I have known, to be in an exclusive relationship because some are not satisfied unless they have intimacy with BOTH men and women. I would guess this probably levels off when they are older and more mature, and the relationship and companionship become more important than the physical aspect of the relationship.

I would not be comfortable dating a bisexual man because I have also known many, many gay men, whom I got to know when we were all very young adults. Time and again I saw guys slowly cop to being "bisexual" but ultimately came out as gay. I think this is a very common thing - to use bisexuality as a stepping stone to coming out and owning homosexuality. I do understand some people are bi for life. No judgement on how anyone defines themselves, but in choosing a mate for myself, my wellfare has to trump their sexual evolution in importance in my primary relationship.

The fact that he's not been honest about this from the beginning would be a deal breaker to me. A more evolved person would bring up their status as bisexual very early in the relationship - possibly on a first date. This sounds like a longer-standing relationship which has included deception. I would break up for that reason, as well as for concern over where this individual is at in figuring himself out. Asking for a threesone would be another deal breaker for me - I would consider that an indication that the guy will not be happy with a traditional, committed, two-person relationship.

Katieray · Jan 8, 2013, 05:50 PM

Thank you all so much for your advice and opinions, I'm going to try talking to him in person because obviously me avoiding him isn't helping the situation. I want to give him a chance, but I also just want to end it at the same time.

talaniman · Jan 8, 2013, 05:53 PM

How did you settle the jealousy issue?

Not good when such an issue comes so quickly, and another follows. I see the red flags of caution waving wildly.

Katieray · Jan 9, 2013, 06:10 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

How did you settle the jealousy issue?

Not good when such an issue comes so quickly, and another follows. I see the red flags of caution waving wildly.

I just told him that if he couldn't trust me that we shouldn't be together because I wouldn't be able to deal with the jealousy. I told him the guys I talk to and hang out with are just friends and they know it, and he can't expect me to avoid my friends and not talk to other guys. I explained to him how against cheating I am and that I would never cheat on him. After that I basically left it up to him to decide. It was either he stop being so jealous and controlling or I'm gone. He chose me.

Oliver2011 · Jan 9, 2013, 06:23 AM

I agree with Alty and really, when haven't I? Communicate with him. However, cheating is cheating and if he is cheating, he doesn't deserve you - regardless if he is straight, bi, or gay.

The other aspect that I am not too sure about is are you going to suspect him of liking a guy every time he spends time with a male friend, gets a new male friend, or whatever? That could be a tough one.

I am not a huge believer in the whole "bi" thing anyway. But that is just me. I am gay, was able to be married, fathered two incredible boys, and always remained gay.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 9, 2013, 06:34 AM

I will agree to this,

So he is bi, that is not an excuse, if he was not bi and just liked girls, would that give him a right to sleep with other girls ? No??

So why does being bi give him any extra sex rights?

He stays true to you regardless of the gender.

talaniman · Jan 9, 2013, 06:47 AM

I've been dating this guy for a couple months now and we finally resolved the whole jealousy thing but a new problem has popped up.

In the early days or months of any relationship, no matter what the issues, you are strangers getting to know each other. Its how you deal with these things you learn that makes or breaks a relationship. You seem to be having a rather rocky honeymoon period. Keep learning to talk honestly, but don't get carried away by trying to stay in something that may not be healthy. Its easy to ignore warning signs when we are in love, or think we are.

Katieray · Jan 9, 2013, 07:37 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

In the early days or months of any relationship, no matter what the issues, you are strangers getting to know each other. Its how you deal with these things you learn that makes or breaks a relationship. You seem to be having a rather rocky honeymoon period. Keep learning to talk honestly, but don't get carried away by trying to stay in something that may not be healthy. Its easy to ignore warning signs when we are in love, or think we are.

Yes, I totally agree. I'm totally fine with him being bi or gay or whatever I'm not going to even try to change him. He's 7 years older than me he's had a little more time to live this lifestyle than I have obviously. I kind of had a feeling right from the beginning that things weren't going to go too far so I kept myself from getting attached. I'm probably going to break up with him. Maybe if he was honest about it from the beginning things would be different but it's tough saying not knowing.