[lovehatediary]

Hi,
I'm stuck in a depressing situation and would appreciate any advice anyone may have! I feel stuck in a deep pit of guilt and despair. I feel lost and stupid for the decision I made. I'm newly engaged (4 months) to a man whom I've dated for about 8 months. I'm 23 and he is 28. Our dates were exciting in the beginning but the chemistry slowly changed and I'm not sure where it stands now. I accepted his marriage proposal because I saw him as responsible and respectful and caring. I didn't feel head over heels in love but I did love some unique parts of his personality, like honesty and a type of innocence. However, I don't feel a deep sense of love for this person and I feel really guilty about it. He's good to me for the most part, but can be hard to talk to at times. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to his personality anymore... He can be mean and critical sometimes, or even arrogant too. I'm not sure if its me being too sensitive (or insecure) or him being insecure and covering it up with being mean. It's hard to talk to him and come clean with this. I'm falling out of love and a wall is going up around my heart, I'm not exposing (sharing) any of my feelings. I'd like to stay in the marriage and make it work but can I really change how I feel? I'm not sure...

Any advice?

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes you got engaged too fast, so just pospone any marriage or even cancel the engagement if that is what you want.

I have never heard the word friend, love, lust, sex all come and go, and that is too often what emotions are felt that we call love.
Love comes after several years of sharing a hard life together or the routines of a boring life at times, going to work, eating, going to bed and starting it over day after day.

I would be more worried if you were saying after 8 months how much in love with him you were, since you can't be at that short of time.

First you have to decide in your own MIND ( not heart)
Do you want to get married, ( not just to him, but anyone)
If you do, why, what do you want to get out of it, marriage like any other relationship is often based off needs, wants and desires. What these are, will tell us about what we need to do.

Does this person meet those needs?

Is he a friend, not a lover, not good to you? But a friend,
If not, you need to become friends to make a real marriage work.

Can you talk to him about anything, any subject no matter what ?
Not fight about it, but really talk about it. If you can't, there is lots of work o do before marriage is considered.

[joypulv]

'I feel stuck in a deep pit of guilt and despair.'
WHY, WHY? You've been engaged a mere 4 months. You knew him a mere 8 months before that. You don't mention a child or being pregnant. People break engagements all the time!
I suggest that you examine what it is about YOU that finds the idea of a mistake about a relationship so depressing, such a reason for guilt. Tell us, if you wish, and maybe we can help sort it out. It boggles my mind that you use the words stuck, depression, guilt, and despair to describe a mistaken engagement.

[lovehatediary]

Well... I feel guilty because I already said I loved him without truly meaning it. He feels love for me (at least from what I can tell from his words and actions) and I don't reciprocate all the time. His language of love is so different than mine, he's the guy that would buy expensive presents and show physical love and I'm the girl that loves deep and inspiring conversations, kind sweet words, and understanding.

I feel despair because we're more than just engaged. We're not having a wedding party but we are planning a honey moon and reception party to follow after. We're legally (and religiously) married so I feel like separating is not "calling it off", it's more like divorce and that sounds very ugly.

Thanks for the advice guys and I'd love any more feedback you may have. I've started to think of what I need and want from marriage but the list is not complete yet.

[Homegirl 50]

You two don't really know each other, although you have been together long enough to realize you don't want to be married to him, you don't love him.
Break the engagement. Better to do it than get married and be miserable.

[joypulv]

This isn't making sense.
First you say you are engaged, now you say you are legally married. What country or culture is this?
Honeymoons and receptions - so what? Cancel them and lose the deposit.
How can you be in despair yet working on a list about what you want in a marriage? You said it in one sentence: I'm the girl that loves deep and inspiring conversations, kind sweet words, and understanding.

[lovehatediary]

"How can you be in despair yet working on a list about what you want in a marriage? You said it in one sentence: I'm the girl that loves deep and inspiring conversations, kind sweet words, and understanding"

He doesn't give me that. Should I talk to him about it? It seems to me that it's too much in his personality, and asking for it might cause a fight. I just would appreciate if he put effort to understand my feelings instead of teaching him all the time. The thing is though, he's a nice guy. He treats me fine, he gives me gifts, he says he misses me when he does but I don't feel attached him and that's what's making me panic, I don't want this to last forever, I need to be able to rely on him for emotional support.
I come from a traditional Middle Eastern family living in the US. The paperwork has been completed as if we're married but I don't live with him yet that's why we're considered engaged.
I can cancel the honeymoon and reception, but how do I exactly work to better the relationship?

[dontknownuthin]

I'm wondering if this is a true story. It's as if you forgot that you told us that you are engaged, and then started presenting yourself as married, and then started to cover by saying that you're "more than engaged". What the heck - you're either engaged or married, not both.