[haze]

Hello Everyone, This post could turn out really long but I will keep it as short as possible.

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years, and have 1 child, who is not biologically his, but he has raised him as his own and my child thinks he is his dad (and he is). I think I want to leave him but I don't like feeling like I am breaking someone’s heart. Anyway, we were given an opportunity from my parents where they gave him a job in Australia, so he moved over and me and my son were to follow in a few months’ time. He quit the job which is fine because I did not want him there suffering on my account. But now I am stuck in the middle of a family war. My mum and her husband hate him (This is also the second job they have given him that he has walked out of).

Secondly, while he was away working, I had an affair. You can judge me all you like, I know it was wrong, but I have been loyal to him for 6 years, so while I know it’s not a nice thing to do to someone, I am trying to figure out what drove me to do it in the first place. I am not in love with this guy or want to leave my partner in any way for him. (My partner knows about this and is blaming this as the reason I want to leave)

Our relationship has its problems, which I can't get him to understand, as he thinks we are fine and have a good relationship. We talk to each other like crap, and it’s happened for so long its normal. I find it funny how other couples despise us for how we speak to each other because most of the boys would say if I spoke to my girl like that I would be kicked out, and while it looks good on the outside, it really gets me down I have just mastered hiding it. I'm not his ideal weight and he lets me know this in various ways, mainly commenting on it, or how much I eat, the problem is I laugh it off so he thinks I don't care. When I get to the point of crying he has said he was just trying to help motivate me or something to that affect. He purposely winds me up because "I look cute when I'm angry" I hate feeling like that. When he’s working he goes to work, comes home, whines about it constantly and then plays his PC all night until bedtime, he denies this and thinks he gets no time on it (he just can't see it). We are constantly arguing about money, I have a spending problem and I admit that, but he sometimes comments on how much I don't contribute because I don't work (I am a student) but I still have $500 each week that goes into the household, he makes around $600-$800.

Also, we don't have sex very often, maybe once a fortnight sometimes not for a month. But he always wants to get pleased by "other methods" that don't involve sex, every day. He says he just doesn't like sex, but he is capable of it, and knows I like it. He doesn't try very hard to please me when we have sex to, which is OK I can get over that, but he never wants it and it’s very frustrating.

I am scared to leave because I don't know what will happen to my son, how it will affect him emotionally, whether he is going to be still willing to see him.

What should I do?

Any advice, support, comments welcome.

[dontknownuthin]

Having an affair is more than "not very nice". It's an moral lapse, a huge violation of your partner's trust.

There are so many issues you are going to have to separate them a bit and figure out what relates to your relationship and what doesn't.

Your infidelity and spending problem belong to you. These problems will not be resolved by leaving your partner. You have to deal with them if you stay with him and you have to deal with them if you do not. Both are behavioral problems with impulsivity and immaturity which you can work on in counseling. None of us are perfect - at least you know what your character flaws are so you know what to work on. When a person cheats, it is not about their partner - it's about their own character being flawed. I mean, you chose your partner, chose to raise a child with him, chose to be committed to him and so on - then you chose to cheat on him. It's not his fault or responsibility whatsoever that your choices are in conflict and disrespectful of both your partner and your child. Don't make the problem worse by pretending that if you had a different partner you wouldn't have cheated. If you had a different partner, you would have gotten used to him too, taken him for granted too, found some excuse - some flaw in him (because we all have them) and used it as the excuse to have an affair becaue the affair was about you, not anyone else.

Your partner's problem finding his own work, and keeping a job is a problem he needs to resolve whether he is with you or not. Some people know exactly what they are meant to do. Some people flounder. It's not always easy to find your path and as his partner, you should support his search. He should probably also take the bull by the horns and get some career and personal counseling to figure out what he really wants to do, then take mature, reasoned steps to live the life he wants to live professionally.

It sounds to me like you both are making individual decisions and making individual mistakes, and you're under the delusion that separating from him will solve them. No, it will just make your child pay for your own lack of fidelity and commitment and your partners lack of career identity and focus and longevity.

There are times in long-term relationships when things are difficult. Work on yourself, he can work on himself and you stay together until you're in a better place individually and together. If you can't do it for each other, focus on your child for a while and just come to an agreement of, "it's not perfect but we can take some time to work on our individual issues - that's how we're going to work on the relationship is to individually work on what we can do to improve ourselves for the sake of the family".

[haze]

Thank you, your response is very helpful.

Pushing the affair aside for a minute to deal with the other problems, the family war is the biggest, I feel torn and have been asked by both sides to choose. I have been stuck in the middle before and I hated it and it went on for months, this time it's the same but 10x worse. Family means a lot to me and although I may not act that way sometimes, it crushes me knowing these people I love can't get along and refuse to, and in my Mums case I think with good reason although her and her husband may take it to far. I really don't know what to do, I feel depressed and I just have to take it. Do I leave my partner, or cut my mother out of my life, it really is that bad.

And about the job thing, I have supported him, and it goes around in circles, I have moved towns 3 times because he doesn't like the job he has, so finds another one. Its always the same industry, when he has the opportunity to get out of the industry he lets us down. He loves gaming and PC and so he decided to do an Infrmation Technology course, went for about 8 weeks and never went back. I would love to support him, but I am sick of moving. Whenever he has no job he expects to just move back to my fathers and be looked after there.

[dontknownuthin]

Freeloading off your parents is clearly not acceptable so you should take that off the table as an option. It's reasonable to expect him to work and stick with one job until he finds another if he wants to change and it's reasonable for you to say "change jobs if you must but no quitting until you have another one, and I'm not moving any longer". If this isn't realistic then it might be time to move on for you.

[talaniman]

Your son deserves better than a dysfunctional unstable home life.