[J_9]

I don't think you understand. She is not of the age that she can choose to date him. She is also not of the mentality to understand the depths of the situation. I don't believe you understand the consequences of the actions involved.

She is totally in a different mentality than he is, unless of course he is mentally challenged.

No, it's not okay, as you seem to believe it is. There can be some long lasting effects with her when there is a break up. It will happen, I can promise you that.

At this point in his life he is, or should be, focusing on a career and lifelong aspirations. A this point in her life she is focusing on prom, final exams, etc.

Look at it this way... It would be like a 4 year old dating a 10 year old. There is really no difference until both are in the adult stages of mental development.

Here is a website that is helpful in this area.

Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages

[MadlyInLove]

The negative psychological trauma from a relationship like this doesn't usually show up for many years. Usually several years after the relationship ends and they realize it's warped their ability to have a healthy relationship or function as an independent adult.

At 20, the friends you've seen in relationships like this haven't reached the point where the damage is readily noticeable. By 30, when they realize that they have a string of controlling and manipulative relations behind them, because they never had the chance to learn how to function outside of a relationship (let alone how to have a healthy relationship), the effects will be MORE than noticeable.

I do agree with your points, but I feel like such problems could arise with any relationship. If the girl wants a relationship, then she wants a relationship. It's not like if she stops dating the OP, her life will instantly become better. She can have a string of relationships with boys her own age(most of which will want sexual things, because they are 14-16 year old boys), and she can still not learn how to function without being in a relationship.

The thing is everyone is l

[MadlyInLove]

Sorry I'm on my iPhone, and I accidentally hit submit.

What I was saying was that I feel like everyone is looking only at the potential negative side of this relationship. If the OP is truly supportive of her and makes her happy, then how is that worse than her dating immature boys her own age? If she is more mature for her age, and the OP might be average or below average, then it seems like they might be a better fit than most boys her age. I know at 14, and as a guy, I wasn't looking for a relationship. If she's interested in a relationship, then the OP is no worse than boys her own age, who might care more about sex than the OP does. But these are all educated guesses because we can't tell for sure if the OP is a decent, respectable guy, and we can't tell how the other boys in her school act. Do you see where I'm going with this?

[J_9]

Madly, how old are you?

[MadlyInLove]

Madly, how old are you?

I am 20 years old. And I will read the link you posted when I get home soon.

[MadlyInLove]

I don't think you understand. She is not of the age that she can choose to date him. She is also not of the mentality to understand the depths of the situation. I don't believe you understand the consequences of the actions involved.

She is totally in a different mentality than he is, unless of course he is mentally challenged.

No, it's not okay, as you seem to believe it is. There can be some long lasting effects with her when there is a break up. It will happen, I can promise you that.

At this point in his life he is, or should be, focusing on a career and lifelong aspirations. A this point in her life she is focusing on prom, final exams, etc.

Look at it this way... It would be like a 4 year old dating a 10 year old. There is really no difference until both are in the adult stages of mental development.

Here is a website that is helpful in this area.

Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages

I am aware that she isn't of legal age to decide for herself, but in that case her legal guardians can decide whether they choose to let her date a 20 year old. It would be helpful to know where the OP lives, but I'm sure that the girl's guardians have the final say.

You seem to be under the impression that it's black and white, but there is so much gray area. It's not like she has two choices:
1) to date him and get messed up mentally
2) not to date him, and to live a perfect life

There are many other options in between.

Let's do a hypothetical situation, and you tell me what you think. What if the OP and this girl have so much in common, and they just connect on every level. What if they truly understand each other? What if his intentions are true and honest, and he really just likes her and supports her in life. What if she has had other boyfriends in the past, and she didn't connect with any guy before she met the OP. Or maybe she hasn't had a boyfriend, and chosen to wait until she met a guy she really connected with? Do they have to break up because she isn't of legal age? Even if her guardians approve of their relationship?

And even if the OP is "mentally challenged", does that not mean he deserves to be with someone he connects with and understands? I don't know what you mean specifically by mentally challenged, but I feel like that isn't right to say. Why jump to such conclusions? A person comes to this website looking for support and guidance, and even if you've helped him with the things you've said, there is NO need to say such things about the OP, even if joking.
Even though I'm only 20 years old, you can read through all of my posts in this thread and I have never said anything degrading towards anyone. Even if I don't fully agree with what someone says, I'm going to think about what they said and respect them.

You degrading someone on an Internet support forum leads me to believe that you might either have self-esteem issues about your real life, or unresolved issues from the past.

[hheath541]

At 14, she's not old enough to know what a real relationship is, so can't want one.

I was very mature for my age, at 14. I also wanted to find the portal to Narnia.

I never fell into the petty fights and drama that are so common at the age. I had a fairly realistic, if a bit simplistic, world view. I was holding nearly straight A's, and had perfect attendance. I was active in my church, including an early morning scripture group before school. I followed the rules, because I knew they were there for a reason. I did my homework without being told, and kept my room clean. I babysat my niece when asked. I was pretty solely responsible for cooking my own meals, and didn't live on cookies and PB&J sandwiches.

I spent all my free time reading. I wanted to pet a unicorn. I thought the world was black and white, and everything that didn't fit within my definition of 'right' was 'wrong.' I knew I wanted to go to college. I'd meet a nice boy at church when I was 18, fall in love, get married, and have as many kids as I ended up pregnant with. I'd be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband would make enough money for us to own a huge house and go on lots of vacations. The kids would be well behaved, and there would be no fights in my family. We'd have several cats, a dog, birds, fish, and various other pets. The house would always be clean, and we'd always have big family dinners where we talked about our days. All my friends would be married with kids the same ages as mine, and they'd play together and be best friends, until my kids married their kids and we all became one big family.

I was 14. I was SURE of what I wanted, and that I would have no problem getting it. I lacked the maturity, experience, and knowledge to understand that what I 'wanted' was not only HIGHLY unrealistic, but not what I would want even two years later. I had all the big parts of my life planned out, and didn't even realize there were details to worry about. I was SURE that everything would just kind of happen on its own, if I wanted it enough.

It's simply NOT possible to make responsible and informed decisions, at that age. I had adult goals, but a child's understanding of how the world worked, and I didn't even realize it. Without the chance to learn and grow and figure out who I was and what I wanted, WITHOUT worrying about how it would effect someone else, I never would've gained the adult understanding to go with the adult goals. Being in a relationship means you can't change your goals, because you've already committed to them. If I had someone expecting me to hold to the goals I had at 14, I would be miserable. That simply is not the person I was supposed to be, and being in a relationship would've forciby stunted my emotional growth by severely limiting the directions I could grow in. It would've been like building a roof and three walls around a plant. The damage wouldn't have been noticeable until the barriers were removed, and you could see that it only grew in one direction.

[MadlyInLove]

At 14, she's not old enough to know what a real relationship is, so can't want one.

I was very mature for my age, at 14. I also wanted to find the portal to Narnia.

I never fell into the petty fights and drama that are so common at the age. I had a fairly realistic, if a bit simplistic, world view. I was holding nearly straight A's, and had perfect attendence. I was active in my church, including an early morning scripture group before school. I followed the rules, because I knew they were there for a reason. I did my homework without being told, and kept my room clean. I babysat my niece when asked. I was pretty solely responsible for cooking my own meals, and didn't live on cookies and PB&J sandwiches.

I spent all my free time reading. I wanted to pet a unicorn. I thought the world was black and white, and everything that didn't fit within my definition of 'right' was 'wrong.' I knew I wanted to go to college. I'd meet a nice boy at church when I was 18, fall in love, get married, and have as many kids as I ended up pregnant with. I'd be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband would make enough money for us to own a huge house and go on lots of vacations. The kids would be well behaved, and there would be no fights in my family. We'd have several cats, a dog, birds, fish, and various other pets. The house would always be clean, and we'd always have big family dinners where we talked about our days. All my friends would be married with kids the same ages as mine, and they'd play together and be best friends, until my kids married their kids and we all became one big family.

I was 14. I was SURE of what I wanted, and that I would have no problem getting it. I lacked the maturity, experience, and knowledge to understand that what I 'wanted' was not only HIGHLY unrealistic, but not what I would want even two years later. I had all the big parts of my life planned out, and didn't even realize there were details to worry about. I was SURE that everything would just kind of happen on its own, if I wanted it enough.

It's simply NOT possible to make responsible and informed decisions, at that age. I had adult goals, but a child's understanding of how the world worked, and I didn't even realize it. Without the chance to learn and grow and figure out who I was and what I wanted, WITHOUT worrying about how it would effect someone else, I never would've gained the adult understanding to go with the adult goals. Being in a relationship means you can't change your goals, because you've already commited to them. If I had someone expecting me to hold to the goals I had at 14, I would be miserable. That simply is not the person I was supposed to be, and being in a relationship would've forciby stunted my emotional growth by severely limiting the directions I could grow in. It would've been like building a roof and three walls around a plant. The damage wouldn't have been noticeable until the barriers were removed, and you could see that it only grew in one direction.

That was very well written, and I enjoyed reading all of your insight.

So I feel like there are many options that the OP could take, and some that he might not want to take. In your opinion, heathh451, would the best idea be for them to just break up right now? Or just to have fun and enjoy each other's company for now, and see if they still want to continue a relationship when she's 18. Should they just be friends for now? I feel like if they are so serious about each other(and everyone thinks they aren't mature), then won't it not be as easy and simple as breaking up?

[tickle]

Madly, comment below from post #46 is not appropriate and I am sure administrators will find it so. You are maligning a moderator on this site which doesn't look good on you. You don't seem to get the meaning of the word 'respect'.

You degrading someone on an Internet support forum leads me to believe that you might either have self-esteem issues about your real life, or unresolved issues from the past.

Tick

[Curlyben]

This thread is now officially

[ScottGem]

I want to add something here. This thread has gone a bit far afield and it became more about another member's opinions than the OP. That's why it was closed.

However, if the OP wants to continue the discussion he can either start a new thread, use the Report link and ask that the thread be reopened or PM one of the MODs to reopen.

I would urge the OP to do one of the above, but I believe he needs help. Help to understand and deal with his situation without taking advantage of a child. He needs to understand this relationship is wrong on several levels.