[ouchy25]

Hi, My husband and I have been together for 12 years and will be married for 3 years in January. The othe day he came home drunk from his birthday bash and we had a little argument which became full blown and ended up with him pinning me to the floor and punching my face several times then he sat me on the couch and slapped me more than 10 times. We have a 3 year old son whom he adores and has been a great father to, and he has always been a very good adoring husband to me all those years. 3 years ago I regretfully had a ahsort affair, after he found out that was when he changed and became so hot tempered and short fused. It improved after a year and I have been paying for it and devoted myself to our marriage and family. But the other night when he beat me up he kept saying I made him become a monster and he couldn't forgive me... He left after the beating and sent me text messages apologizing and he said he'll be coming home tomorrow... Is there a chance for our marriage to work? I completely believe he is not a violent person. We've been through so much worse arguments and issus where he never laid a finger on me... I am in denial I guess that our love story is at an end... I wouldlike to believe that divorce is not the answer specially for the sake of our son whom we both adore and love so much...

[tickle]

If he was drunk while physically abusing you, you are lucky to be alive today to write this here.

There is no room for spousal violence in a marriage, and if he did it this time, then there will be a next time, for whatever reason, he will find one.

I would like to say try counselling, and you will hear that here from others, but ufortunately, once a wife beater, always a wife beater.

[joypulv]

I don't agree that anyone can generalize about wife beating, although we don't often hear about the men who do it once and never again.
Yours might be the one who will never do it again.
Alcohol of course brings out parts of us we never thought existed. I would get him to write a promise not to take a single drink for 3 years, and work out a plan for not being home alone with him if he does. And a plan for leaving if he ever hits you again.
Yes, you do need counseling, for dealing with the affair, which is behind all this!

[tickle]

I am not generalizing about wife beating. This man had the OP pinned on the floor punching her in the face, and then... slapping her silly.

There is no backward glance, there is no gray area where you take counselling for this, this is grab the kids and out the door to a shelter if you haven't got a relative to take you in.

There is NO EXCUSE for violence again women, in the home or on the street.

[Oliver2011]

I can't imagine staying with someone who physically abused me. In fact I was by another guy and that person and I haven't spoken since.

But seriously who cares if he was drinking. People that decide that violence is the way to solve something will decide to use that again. The first time you two argue again you will have the thoughts of him striking you in the back of your mind. That is no way to live.

[hheath541]

Once that line of voilence is crossed, it will get easier and easier to cross. After all, if the first time didn't make you leave, then it must not've been too bad. If it wasn't bad, then there's no real reason to stop. If there's no reason to stop, then it must be permissible behavior.

You need to make it clear that it's NOT OK, and the only way to do that is to leave. What if your son had seen what happened? What if he'd tried to help you, and ended up in the way of one of those blows? Children raised with domestic violence are much more likely to experience it in adulthood. Do you want to risk your son learning that men are supposed to hit women?

If you want to get counseling, then do so, but move out, first. He should just individual counseling along with any couple's counseling. File for a legal separation, make it even clearer that you're serious about leaving him. Do not move back in with him, spend the night together, spend significant amounts of time together, or otherwise act like a couple until you've been in therapy for at least a year and there's a real chance the issues have been resolved.

Your first priority is protecting your son from physical or emotional harm. Your second priority is protecting yourself. Your third priority is making it clear that abuse is unacceptable. Your very last priority is your relationship.

Physical abuse usually follows mental and emotional abuse. If you really look at your relationship, there's a good chance you'll recognize a pattern of abuse you never bothered to label as such. Insults (b1tch, wh0re, etc), put downs (worthless, useless, etc), placing blame (your fault, made me do it, etc), placing doubt (don't know why I'm with you, why don't I/you just leave, etc), placing guilt (I do everything for you, you never help, etc), and demeaning statements (no one would want you, you're lucky I stay, etc) are some of the most basic tools of mental and emotional abuse. If any of those are present, then the chances of repeated physical abuse goes up substantially.

You need to take care of yourself and your son, before there's a chance of permanent damage.