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finest10 · Sep 20, 2011, 05:47 PM

To start I'm a 38/m married with three children. I have been married now for 15 years. 10 of those years I have not been happy, from feeling sick whenever she touches me or not wanting to do anything with her. She is a very hard nut to crack. I have had relationships outside of the marriage (which I'm not happy about) it all started back 10 years ago when we had out first child and I told her to stay home and raise our baby. At the same time I started a new career which is a very stressful one.

As time went on I saw the problems beginning, we have no communication at all between us and still to this day. As time went on I went my way and she maintained the path that I put her on by staying home. This was probably the worst mistake I have ever done was telling her to stay home, she has missed out on a life that she could have had and I feel like I stole those years from her because now she is cold/hard/unemotional and drinking more and more everyday.

Trust me I take fault in our marriage by running out and not doing the right thing, but it's a little too late for that. I ran out because I don't get the love and attention at home, while I still give it to her. Today I sat her down with my bags packed at the kitchen door with hopes to talk, which we did for 3 hours. I had told her the truth about everything and that we need marriage counseling, she needs to go back to work and she needs to stop drinking.

Well... I am now typing this in my apartment that I rented till the end of the month, she agreed on going back to work and agreed to stop drinking (which I have heard both of those before) but she would not commit to marriage counseling. I told her for me to stay I need to her to commit to all three. Well 2 out of 3 is not good enough.

I have so much more to write but I'm anxious to hear from everyone. Before I left I asked her if she still loves me and she said yes, I then said OK but what about "in"love with me and she replied yes to that as well, so I am confused why she would let her husband leave the house because she can't commit to therapy

cdad · Sep 20, 2011, 06:02 PM

By making demands you have closed off the situation. In essence you have said its my way or the highway. Think about that for a minute. Have you thought about what you are prepared to do? Are you going to be happier letting another man raise your children? Think about that.

Was she sober when you were talking to her? In most cases of dealing with a situation you can only deal with one thing at a time. You have demanded 3. You are sealing your own doom. You really need to decide what it is your really wanting from all this. If its divorce then why make demands on her? If your actually wanting to work on things then your going to need a game plan.

So which is it at this point?

finest10 · Sep 20, 2011, 06:06 PM

Your exactly right!! I just want a happy family, and willing to do what I have to do to make that happen! If the roles were reversed and saw that she had her bags packed and at the door, I would get on my knees and say I will do whatever it takes for you not to leave! I really don't know what to do! I can't imagine my life without her, but in the long run I think we may be better off... this is why I am sitting here and seeing if I miss her and still love her, IM SO CONFUSED

cdad · Sep 20, 2011, 06:18 PM

Confusion is part of the crossroads we all reach in life at some point. The main goal at this time is to not do anything stupid.
If you are truly willing then make things happen one step at a time. If it were me (as an example) I would try to get her drinking straightened out. Its not only bad for her health but it can be a danger to your children. Also your never going to get anywhere if the both of you aren't clear headed.

Starting a job under these conditions isn't the best either. You see if you can't follow a plan and have committed goals then nothing will work. Sure your at a crossroads and things don't look so good at the moment. But just remember many long lasting marriages don't always stay in love forever. There is a tide to life. Your shores can be rocky or sandy for a soft landing. But right now you need a clear direction outside of being demanding. Did you give thought to the fact she may be embaressed by what's going on and that in watching how horrific her life is right now she may have been clueless. Now its reality. So you both are going to have to deal with it. But its best to take it one step at a time. Lose the expectations and replace them with reasonable goals and outcomes. You both need to return to a positive attitude.

solomonQ · Dec 1, 2012, 02:40 PM

So you left your kids with an alcoholic? Something doesn't add up.

Admit it, you're leaving because you don't want to deal with the whole family thing anymore. Well, actually you never wanted to deal with it. The cheating was an escape. Perhaps you believe she doesn't know about it? Maybe her bitterness is because she is well aware of it. Maybe she's not so very sorry to see you go.

First you made your wife stay home, now you want to make her go back to work. Has it ever occurred to you that you being so controlling might be a large part of the problem? If my DH ever told me what to do I'd kick him in the a**. If I want to work, I will. Your opinion will be considered, but it's still MY life.

Try treating her like an equal. Awww, your job is so stressful! Being a Mom is a breeze though. She hasn't had any stress at all! Good grief, get a clue.

cdad · Dec 1, 2012, 03:07 PM

Originally Posted by solomonQ

So you left your kids with an alcoholic? Something doesn't add up.

Admit it, you're leaving because you don't want to deal with the whole family thing anymore. Well, actually you never wanted to deal with it. The cheating was an escape. Perhaps you believe she doesn't know about it? Maybe her bitterness is because she is well aware of it. Maybe she's not so very sorry to see you go.

First you made your wife stay home, now you want to make her go back to work. Has it ever occurred to you that you being so controlling might be a large part of the problem? If my DH ever told me what to do I'd kick him in the a**. If I want to work, I will. Your opinion will be considered, but it's still MY life.

Try treating her like an equal. Awww, your job is soo stressful! Being a Mom is a breeze though. She hasn't had any stress at all! Good grief, get a clue.

The OP has already reached out and taken a stand on getting family therapy. So your statements at this point are incorrect. Also this thread is over 1 year old so who knows what has happened in between. Please be more careful when posting. Also you may want to take a good look in the mirror. From what your saying you don't treat your partner very equal as your trying to push on others.