[confused_79]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years. He wants to marry me and I wanted to marry him. We are both early 30's, he has 3 children (14 lives with us, 10 and 8 who stay every second weekend) and I have a 9 yo who lives with us.

About 6 months into our relationship until now there has been an issue surrounding sex in that he doesn't feel the need for it or doesn't enjoy it as much as me. He has sex with me when he wants to, which is not as often as I would like, but I have dealt with it and do crack it on occasion as I feel the need for more - then it turns into an argument.

More recently, he met his 14 year old daughter 9 months ago for the first time since she was a baby. She moved in with us after 2 months. There has been lots of arguments between him and I in regards to his parenting style with her in comparison to the other 3 kids. This was a massive fight at the start of this week and it ended up telling him I wanted them to move out.

He refused to move out and I suggested counselling for us as a couple and for him as a parent. He agreed. BUT in the middle of this argument when he blurted out a couple of hurtful things, one being that he loved me but not sexually, I questioned that and it came out that he likes men!

So now that this is in the open between us, we went to a counsellor yesterday who has referred him to a psychologist for issues from when he was sexually abused as a child and he might be able to work out what it is he really wants and to try and work on our relationship.

But the situation and my dilemma is this, he says he finds him attracted to men, looking at arms, eyes, muscle etc. He can't stop himself thinking about it. He has had sex with many men. He has always been in a relationship with women, and having kids with them but always ended the relationship at around the 3 year mark. He has been with the men in between these relationships, and only for sex, not relationships. He does not want to be in a relationship with a man because of his kids and what everyone will think of him if he was to "come out". He wants a "normal" life for his kids. He said he is physically attracted to me, and that he loves me and wants to stay with me. He does still have sex with me, when he initiates it, just not as regular as I would like.

I can't work out whether he is gay and just not coming out due to being terrified of the response from everyone, or whether he is bisexual. If this is bisexual, is it possible for him to maintain a monogomous satisfying relationship with me, and will it be enough for him? I don't want to stay in this relationship and then find 5 or 15 years down the track that he has a need to sleep with a man because it isn't enough for him, and that he really is gay, he was just afraid to say it and be honest with himself. I don't want him to leave a lie and not be truly happy and the same goes for me.

We have chatted about where to go now, and he wants to seek counselling and see a psychologist to try and work on maintaining our relationship and to work out what it is he wants. And to remain living together in a relationship. I have agreed to do this as I feel this is something that is not his fault, it is what it is, and I feel that I should give him the opportunity to work this out. I just really need him to be honest with himself and me and I'm not sure that will happen? If he comes out the other end of psychologists and counsellors with the same view as now, what do I do then??

I am really confused and struggling with making a decision on what to do, and need advice from people who may have been in this situation before.

[Alexis Dubree]

Honestly I don't think the relationship is going to work out. Your partner is attracted to men and would rather have sex with them than you obviously. Sooner or later he's going to leave you for his desire for men, whenever he feels comfortable about "coming out of the closet."

[WisperWill70]

Yes bisexual men can have positive, monogamous life-long relationships with women (just like a straight man can put his attraction to other women to the side) Honestly though, in this case the lack of physical attraction he has for you and his fantasies about men combined with the issues of a blended family and his emotional issues doom this relationship.

It's possible that your partner falls more on the "homo" side of the sexuality spectrum and can't get his repressed desires for men out of his mind even though he tried living a different life. The best thing you can do is let him be with who he wants to be with and not struggle and fight for a relationship he doesn't want to have. Both he, and YOU deserve to be happy.

*It doesn't matter if he is "gay" or "bi-sexual" because his lack of attraction to YOU means that it's impossible for him to commit to you as sexual partner.

[Fr_Chuck]

Being bi sexual is not an excuse for having uncontrolled sex with various people.

If they find the right person, bi sexual people will stay true, or they may find a partner who allows them have a outside sexual partner, that is up to them.

[WisperWill70]

Also I'm basing the comment not on his assurances that he's attracted to you when he's trying to calm things down but what he "blurted out" when he said he loves you but isn't sexually attracted to you. It sounds like he has relationships with women that fulfill his obligation to be "normal" but then his desire for men (which he thinks of as unacceptable/what would children think? etc. etc.) keep coming out and sabotaging his relationships. He may be coming out... the hard way.