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MissMimi · Oct 31, 2012, 11:18 PM

I am a female in my mid-20s in a straight relationship for over 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, but we've worked through them, our relationship is everything I could ask for, except for one thing: our sex life. At times it becomes non-existent for months. Unless he initiates it, it doesn't happen. I've tried initiating it, and it's not like he says no, but it seems like he isn't all that interested. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, so I figure that if he wants it, he will ask. He says that it isn't that he doesn't want to do it, then he comes up with an excuse for why it's been so long (no time, etc.). It's a big turn off to feel unwanted so I barely want to have sex with him anymore. I don't want to be in a sexless relationship. Is it too late to fix this problem?

Fr_Chuck · Nov 1, 2012, 02:13 AM

Obviously it is not, since it is an issue to you. And for a man in 30's if it not normal either.

Does he have proformance issues, is there a issue with porn and masturbation ?

But it sounds like communication issues, since you are not opening and honestly talking to him about it either. I would go as for to say, that I bet there are many other undiscussed issues that are hiding.

This needs to be discussed and excuses is not going to fix it.

If he will not open up, counseling may be called for

joypulv · Nov 1, 2012, 02:21 AM

Find a time when you aren't in bed and are getting along and the TV and music are off, and talk. Finding out is going to require a lot of delicacy. If you get nowhere, back off and try again some weeks from now. It might be that his fantasy life doesn't gibe with what you two have with each other, and he's happy with that, so he masturbates when you aren't around. He might have low testosterone, but at his age, it's probably not too likely. Some deep worry you don't know about could be part of it too.

Even if you do get some idea of what's on his mind, you still have to decide what to do. Do you want to stay as is, or will you leave. There are ways to compromise on sex if he is willing for the sake of the relationship. He can keep his fantasies while having sex with you, or just have sex for your sake the way countless women do for men. But if you don't want sex just for sex's sake, if you want him to desire you, you might want to plan on a nice way to break up sometime in the near or far future.

MissMimi · Nov 1, 2012, 11:40 PM

We work different hours so when we do spend time together at home at least one of us is usually too tired to have such a conversation. So every time that I've tried to talk about it, he isn't I the mood to talk. I made it very clear to him today that the conversation needs to happen and it needs to be soon. I'm leaving it in his hands now. How long should I wait for him to bring it up before I get upset about it?

joypulv · Nov 2, 2012, 12:08 AM

You haven't really left it in his hands; he's still calling the shots by refusing to talk. So you need to set a deadline (day, time). But if you set it, you have to have a consequence if it isn't met. Are you prepared with one, and will you follow through on it (such as breaking up and moving out)? Once you give an ultimatum that has no consequences, everything you say and do has no clout at all. So don't do this until you know what you will do and are prepared to do it.
It's OK to say 'I may have to leave if we can't even talk.' Sort of open ended; not so final. But he may call your bluff. Only you know him well enough to predict that.

MissMimi · Nov 8, 2012, 11:23 PM

We talked about things tonight. He didn't really have any answers for me other than it's not me. He's very attracted to me and all that jazz, but our work schedules conflict so we don't spend much time together during the week. He also said that since it's been so long he feels weird trying to initiate things. He wants to try to fix things. Any suggestions? Am I missing something here? Should I be asking other questions? How should we go about fixing things? Any help is really appreciated here.

GuardianofTime · Nov 15, 2012, 04:53 AM

Seeker,

It is never to late to fix this relationship. There is a type of relationship that is absent of sex and you might want to look into it.. It is called Platonic Love... research this type of love and see if this fits.

He could want out of the relationship, be prepared for that as a possibility

Word to the Wise
When the sex goes the relationship soon follows.

Guardian