[Justrememberher]

How do I continue to live under one roof with disrespectful rude 19 yr old, and husband who says its just a stage?

[Fr_Chuck]

At 19 most likely husband is right, it is normally and often a stage most go though being disrespectful to a point.

The issue is if you allow it, if you don't allow it, you just throw him out. ** not legal just to throw him out, but this is not the legal board. I packed my sons clothes up in a trash bag at 19 and told him that he would not sleep another night in my home treating me the way he did.

[joypulv]

A 19 year old should be ashamed of himself for this, because his disrespect is largely due to the discomfort of knowing that he isn't out in the world supporting himself, so he's taking it out on you. Let him know that if he wants to live with you like a child, he will be treated the same way he was as a child, unless he starts contributing one third of all costs and work of a home. As long as it's your home and not his, he obeys the rules.

[Cat1864]

I see what may be three possible problems all rolled into one big tangle.

How is he being rude and disrespectful? What are your expectations for his behavior? Do those expectations take into account that he is now an adult even if he is still living in your home? Have you tried talking to him as one adult to another about what how his behavior is affecting you? Is he your only child?

Is the issue only your son's behavior or is your husband's attitude adding fuel to the fire? Would you be as upset with your son if your husband seemed to be giving you support? Does your husband witness or receive any of your son's negative behavior? Is he mainly hearing from you what the young man did wrong? How does your husband treat you?

Make certain your expectations are reasonable for an adult male who should have a life of his own (work, school, friends, etc.) Sit down with your son and explain what you expect from him.

Sit down with your husband and explain that you are to the point of letting father and son fend for themselves. It may be a phase. However, that is not an excuse for your husband to dismiss your feelings and concerns. It should be a reason for your husband to demonstrate how a spouse backs up his/her partner. If he allows his child to walk all over his wife (if that is what is happening), then he is showing the child that his behavior is acceptable. He may be encouraging it without realizing it. Your husband may not have thought of the situation in those terms.

If your husband is only hearing stories, let him deal with his son. Let him have first hand experience with what you have been dealing with. Step back and allow/encourage him to step up.

Kicking him out is an option. But would that cause more issues in your marriage than it would solve with your son? Would your husband be open to giving your son set date to either end this 'phase' or to find other accommodations by?

Can you find a compromise with your husband about how to deal with your son? Can you find a way to compromise with your son?