[me123098]

Ok, Im really stressing out over this, I have anxiety issues but this subject has never really got to me like it has been lately. I just feel like I'm not like anyone else, I feel like I'm so much more screwed up than all my other friends. This is going to be a novel but here it goes.

Im a normal 17 year old girl, I'm very liked at school and I have the best friends in the world. Its my senior year and I got most attractive in my class and I'm very happy about that, I plan on going to college next year and rooming with my best friend, but here's the thing, When I was a baby my real dad died in a car accident, my step dad came into me and my moms lives and everything was good until my baby brother died of a rare bone disease, I was six, after that my step dad got really bad into alcohol and pills and him and my mother would fight and it really scared me, he would leave our house and not come back for like three days at a time, he lost his banking job and luckily my mom is an RN so we made enough money to get by while he was jobless, he eventually went to rehab after 2 years and turned things around when I was about 11 years old, now he is a part time preacher and is president of the bank he works at.

Everyone around my small town sees me as the beautiful girl who has great morals and has this perfect family and such but I have a side that nobody knows even my boyfriend who I share everything with has no idea and its really bothering me.

When I was younger everyone knew I was a tomboy, I hated girl stuff. When I got to the 2nd grade I put aside all my girl toys and things like that. When me and my friends played house or animals I was always the boy. I had crushes on boys though so its not like I was gay or anything, I just wanted to be a boy for some odd reason, but when 5th grade came around I got my first little boyfriend and I became friends with one of my still best friends and I started to wear girl clothes and went to sleepovers and wore perfume but I still didn't like to go too far with being girly.

The next year when I went into the 6th grade something happened though, I saw a porn movie on HBO on accident so I watched it. It gave me this weird feeling. After that I felt really bad and it didn't happen again well about 6 months after that, I got my own computer and I looked up a porn site with my friend because we got dared to and we just laughed about it cause we thought it was so stupid and it freaked us out.

Well one late night while my parents were asleep I looked it up alone and from then on it became an addiction, throughout my seventh grade year I looked at it on and off but I was becoming more involved in sports and I started to make lots of friends and I was getting out of my tomboy ways by this time so I thought it was just a phase, but I was so obsessed with it and it kind of took over my mind but In the summer before my eight grade year it just kind of stopped.

I guess I just grew out of it, but about the middle of the year it came back but not as hard I barely look at it,maybe once every 2 months, it was just every once and awhile. Then I started talking to this guy I met at church and he ended up being my boyfriend on and off throughout high school and still till this day, he is in college right now. After I met him none of that stuff ever crossed my mind, he was a good guy, very involved in sports and smart and had great morals.

By 8th grade I was a full blown girly girl, I love pink, love stories, dresses, pedicures, wearing heels, wearing makeup, just a typical teenage girl .My freshman and sophomore year was probably the most normal two years ever, I had great friends, a great boyfriend, I ran on the track team and I was a football trainer/ manager with my two best friends, I went to prom and I went on to my junior year and it was the best year of my life, I had so many good times, always being with my friends and having fun and everything was just perfect.

But the end of my junior year (last year) for some reason I started looking up that nasty porn stuff again. Now I do it at least once a week and I just keep thinking back at my childhood and thinking about how messed up I am and was, I didn't grow up like a normal girl and I just wish I could have.

I have OCD and really bad anxiety, I also have a bad anger problem. I don't know if any of that has anything to do with how I was and am now but I just feel like a freak of nature. What is my problem?

[Wondergirl]

"I have OCD and really bad anxiety, i also have a bad anger problem."

How do you know? Have you been formally diagnosed with anything?

Give me examples of each of those.

[me123098]

I had some panic attacks last year and I went to the doctor, they told me I was OCD because I would obsessively worry over certain things and they said had generalized anxiety disorder, most likely from things that have happened in my childhood.

[Wondergirl]

And you are seeing a counselor at least once a week for CBT?

[me123098]

And you are seeing a counselor at least once a week for CBT?

No

[Wondergirl]

Think about doing so. If these are real problems, they won't get any better as you age.