[lobej]

One of those days you want someone,what you feel inside.. born & raised in Ca.. I come from a big family,my 1st language is spanish.. My english is bad,married,have 2 kids.. I have trouble socializing,feel it's because of my english.. I end up talking about something I wasn't even talking about,all because I want to socialize.. dont know how people look at me,but I sure don't have close friends,not only that I try to keep them away for that reason.. another reason is I live in a nice area,rent,but don't have nice furnitures and it kind of embarresses me too.. my husband lost his job 3yrs ago when bad economy hit,we owe our landlord around $16,000 in rent :( my daughter struggles with english/math/& some reading,she prefers english,I tought her spanish since she was a baby.. but her spanish is bad any ways :( I had her in modeling but school didn't want to sign the application for her work permit because of her bad grades,it's frustrating.. school comes 1st,she had 2 agencies but unfortunately she needs to do better in school.. I feel like I'm drowning,and all my stress goes to my husband where we end up arguing almost every day,my kids see all this.. by the time they go to sleep it hurts me deep inside that they see what's been happening.. I got a good heart,my husband is such a great husband/father.. but because of how much I yell & scream I've felt he's changed a lot,though he's still there for me.. I feel lost.. im so negative,I wish my english was good,that we didn't have to owe so much $,. It sounds like excuses but really I've tried hard to better myself,I want my kids to be smart,finish school,learn to love,to socialize.. im drowning.. believe me I have a good heart,but I feel like a total failure.. when I was younger all I learned from mom was her arguing with my dad,I never knew what college was,I yelled because I want someone to understand me but the 1st thing they would say was that I was desrespecting them when honestly I wanted someone to listen,I have felt like I'm no one,I don't have a car I'm home mostly everyday.. sometimes I cry alone.. I want to feel good about myself.. it's hard very hard.. dont want to be looked at like a weirdo,who knows..

[decarlo123]

Hi I read your letter an I'm sad for you the reason you yell yes is because you feel mis understood. But no one wants to be yelled at. The way you make friends is by being a friend. People are the same in every culture we all need love, exceptance, some one to talk to. You need to stop talking to your husband like that before the only sure thing you have as a friend leaves. If you saw your mother yell at your father all the time this is a cycle. Every family has some sort of curse. You need to figure out what it is. My family curse was fighting and division. I saw my grand mom and grand dad fight and aurgue constantly as a child. So when I grew up and got a husband of my own as soon as he would say something to me I did not like I was ready to fight him. This was not good. My husband looked at me one day an said I Love you but I'm not going to live like this any more. If you don't learn how to control your temper I'm leaving. I really had to humble myself and respect what he was saying. So I asked God why do I react the way I do and he showed me my past. I educated myself read books on sociology and phsycology to find out why people act the way they do. You see normal is what you've been around all your life, in your mind. However, I could be completely abnormal. Meaning just because you've been around it a lot doesn't mean it is the way it's suppose to be. The bottom line is you need to break the cycle of what happened in your family when you were a kid. If you don't your kids will grow up and do the same things your doing right now. Go out an do something to make a difference in someone's life, that will give you a feeling of purpose. And also move somewhere where you can afford the rent. That's not right that your living in someone's home and not paying rent, you world not like it if you were the landlord and someone was living in your house rent free.