[macie123]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't sleep at night, and when I do, I oversleep. I have a very short temper, and as soon as I get anger all hell breaks loose; trust me I'm that bad. I've tried so hard to control but I just can't help it. I had a hard childhood: we (as in ny family) went to a foreign trip by car and it was the best time of my life but on the way back we had an accident on the motorway; like 40 kms from our country. I was 12 back then and unfortunately I was the first one to get conscious and saw every member of my family in pathetic states. My father died. That was the last time I saw him. I was closest to him. My mother stayed in Icu for a month and then she returned. I'd never been close to her. About 10 months later she married this guy and our entire family opposed the married (including my maternal and paternal uncles), because they believed the guy was after our money. My mom was intent that he is an honest person and all.. My dad left us some money at least enough for us to completely finish our education and my mom's a housewife. The guy turned out to be money monger after all: my mom was stupid enough to hand over a fourth our entire funds to him. He's already married by the way and has four kids. :/)
I just have buried away my past somewhere. I cannot speak to someone about without ending up crying and I simply DONOT like in front of anyone to begin with so I haven't discussed this with anyone before: like ever. Now my life is taking this really really weird turn where I'm making educational sacrifices for my brothers (and I can't do what I have always wished to do: instead I'll end up studying what I have long lost interest in but because it's cheaper I'll have to do it-all because of my mom. Not only this, sge's gone very censorious and critical over the years that its almost nearly impossible to not to cry after she gets over with she has to stay. Plus she has this double personality: she's all sweet and hilarious when my friends cone over and then absolutely why behind their back and I don't want to change any opinion about her cause after all she's my mom. I'm 18 yet she has me so tightly bound that I find I have no freedom to begin eith. I have zero social life, zero entertainment and four friends who I love but can't share things with because I just cant. And then there are times when my mom blames me for my fathers death and she's said this so many times, at my moments of depression I can't help not believing it and end up crying all night by myself locked up in the washroom. The only thing that I don't wish for though is suicide and death. I'm a religious person at heart so that's the only string that pulls me from thinking that way. I know I'm too depressed for my own good and I know its not good for me but I don't know what to do abiut it either. In the end I'm not considerably happy about my looks either but then I think that's mostly my mothers fault too: she's an amazing cook and she knows it, she makes a huge pile of food and then forces us to finish it up so none of it goes to waste and then taunts me on how I'm growing all fat and weird. My height is 4 11 and its quite short so she has much to stay abiut it too and she doesn't leave it at that. Its like its her life goal on comparing how good her own childhood was and how pathetic my life is and how all of this is entirely my fault. Ay.

[WindChill]

First of all I just want to say that I'm sorry for your loss and I know how difficult it can be when you lose a parent. I didn't know my father he died shortly before my 2nd birthday and even though I have no memories of him it still really hurts. I miss all the things I should have had but didn't because Cancer took him away from us. I understand how your feeling because I've been there, to hell and back and I'm still not completely through it. My depression was ruling my life, I lost someone I really loved and it made me realize I needed help. I've been taking anti-depressants for about 6 yrs now and I'm a helluva lot better now because of it. I see a psychiatrist regularly and I take meds to alleviate my mood swings and anger issues. You need help and you owe it to yourself to reach out to someone and ask for it. See your family dr and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist because general physicians are not qualified to deal with these type of situations. Give it a try, what have you got to lose? You need to take that chance just like I did and before you know it u'll remember what it feels like to feel happiness again :)