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dreamgirl63 · Oct 5, 2012, 11:38 AM

Ok five years ago I caught my boyfriend calling a guy line. I asked him about it and he said he called it to talk to the lesbian females about our relationship. Ok just had a row days ago. I was charging his tablet and a his email was open so I looked and seen that he was on craiglist talking to men and how he want to meet up. I asked him and he then comes clean and talks about his sexual abuse in the past and it's a struggle for him. He then tells me he is not a gay he just like looking at penis and he has never hooked up with anyone on there.

Should I believe it or just run? We have a son together and been with each other for years. What should I believe because I find it hard to trust him after this?

dontknownuthin · Oct 5, 2012, 03:45 PM

I think you know that this is not standard straight behavior. Whatever the reason he's exploring the idea of sex with men at a minimum. If that's not OK with you, I'd recommend being understanding and changing the relationship to a non sexual, friendly co-parenting relationship. Maintain his privacy about this especially if there is a history of abuse in his life.

joypulv · Oct 5, 2012, 03:52 PM

Let him talk sometime, while you say nothing, just listening.
It's very common for men who have been raped/molested to be fascinated by the very behavior they hated and are fearful of, especially if it happened over a long period. They may have been nurtured and given 'love' at a time in their lives when there was no love elsewhere. They may have been aroused or even enjoyed it, even though it wasn't their idea.
So it's very possible for him to love you deeply and to be heterosexual, while having to deal with these other attractions. Try to be open to understanding and just letting him talk it out. It might take years.

Alty · Oct 5, 2012, 05:05 PM

He's at the very least bi curious, which isn't an issue. The issue here is that he's going on craigslist and trying to hook up with other guys. He hasn't... yet. Yet is the operative word.

He's trying to cheat on you, probably already has, so the question about his sexual orientation is moot.

dreamgirl63 · Oct 5, 2012, 06:03 PM

I thank you all for your advice... and I will keep in mind his pain and understand where he is coming from but Itst's hard when it hits you like a brick.

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I think you know that this is not standard straight behavior. Whatever the reason he's exploring the idea of sex with men at a minimum. If that's not ok with you, I'd recommend being understanding and changing the relationship to a non sexual, friendly co-parenting relationship. Maintain his privacy about this especially if there is a history of abuse in his life.

I agree with your statement a hundred percent... I didn't want to run and make it seem like I don't really care or love him because I do. And I thank you for you input

Fr_Chuck · Oct 5, 2012, 06:22 PM

I feel since he was abused, he has issues and needs private cs ounseling and latter adding family counseling to work out all the issues and problems.

Men and women all have desires and some hidden sex dreans they never live out.
If he enjoys sex with you, then he is not gay, bi at the most. But being bi is not an excuse to cheat,

If this was a women site, and he was talking to women and on craigslist asking about hooking up with a women, would we be talking about it, or would you be gone.

Cheating or planing to cheat is no different gay, bi or straight, if you are in a committed relationship, not one where open sex is allowed ( there are those) then it does not matter who he is planning on cheating with, or even why.

Freak, guess the word bothers me, who is anyone to judge or call another freak, many couples or people, live in open relationships, have sex with male and female, or they may have habits or desires not common or not what you life. Many watch all types of porn, like leather, whips or dog collars. Ones 'freak" is anothers sexual desire that makes them happy

dreamgirl63 · Oct 5, 2012, 08:13 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I feel since he was abused, he has issues and needs private cs ounseling and latter adding family counseling to work out all the issues and problems.

Men and women all have desires and some hidden sex dreans they never live out.
If he enjoys sex with you, then he is not gay, bi at the most. But being bi is not an excuse to cheat,

If this was a women site, and he was talking to women and on craigslist asking about hooking up with a women, would we be talking about it, or would you be gone.

Cheating or planing to cheat is no different gay, bi or straight, if you are in a committed relationship, not one where open sex is allowed ( there are those) then it does not matter who he is planning on cheating with, or even why.

Freak, guess the word bothers me, who is anyone to judge or call another freak, many couples or people, live in open relationships, have sex with male and female, or they may have habits or desires not common or not what you life. many watch all types of porn, like leather, whips or dog collars. Ones 'freak" is anothers sexual desire that makes them happy

I can understand where you are coming from. And appreciate your input. But when I say freak I mean it in away that he's willing to do whatever with whoever and not have a name for. Yes cheating is cheating however It bothers me that he could make his own mind up and not include me. I would have looked to have known sooner and him tell me himself. And when I talk to him about it I don't bring up the gender... I state the facts as they presented themselves. He cheated.

joypulv · Oct 5, 2012, 08:31 PM

Do you consider the contacts online cheating? Some people do, some don't. I take it he has never met any of them in person.
If, when, and how you deal with all this hinges a lot on whether you want to keep or lose him. Confronting him, demanding he stop, and so on could mean the end of the relationship. You can't change people. Are you ready to lose him?

dreamgirl63 · Oct 6, 2012, 02:37 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Do you consider the contacts online cheating? Some people do, some don't. I take it he has never met any of them in person.
If, when, and how you deal with all this hinges a lot on whether you want to keep or lose him. Confronting him, demanding he stop, and so on could mean the end of the relationship. You can't change people. Are you ready to lose him?

Yes, I think him being online is cheating especially when your asking when can you meet iPhone. And he wants me to believe that he has never but it's hard after seeing that. And I do love him dearly but when you live a secret sometimes it's not that you don't care about the ones you love. You just tend to care about your secret and hoe long can you keep it that way. So it's hard to just walk away.after so much we share but I need help now too because am I ready to know that you won't stop today. And ready for all the other things that comes with the situation. That's my biggest problem. Will I be strong enough

slone47 · Oct 10, 2012, 03:06 PM

I think he is gay there are some men that go both ways.. I know I was married to one and never knew it.. when I found out I left... and he ended up with a guy good luck

talaniman · Oct 10, 2012, 06:38 PM

Doesn't matter what his intentions were, the fact he was planning to cheat before he got caught is the red flag here to pay attention to and is no different than if he was hunting females to me.

Whatever his issues he either gets help to stay within the boundaries of good behavior or he gets gone. Soliciting partners to hook up with is beyond unacceptable. I wouldn't trust him either. You just don't explore or experiment with others while in a committed relationship. That's cheating.

Crazy is NO excuse.

ScaredStr8 · Oct 23, 2012, 11:47 PM

I recently found out my Love, is bi and possibly gay. He went on craigslist. I didn't bolt, although, sometimes I want to. He did cheat. We have been trying to work through it. He has been very honest and forth coming, but wouldn't have had I not found out. We share my computer. I asked him to be honest with me, and he wasn't readily forth coming. I love him. I know he loves me. Cheating is a deal breaker. I feel like I am still here trying to understand it all. We are really great friends very affectionate with each other. We spend almost all our time together. I don't get it. I don't care about him being bi, as much as I care about him not being sure what he is. I know he is attracted to women, but I am not sure if he feels like he has to be. I think something happened in his early years. He told me he contemplated suicide, and he makes himself forget everything. He tells himself he didn't have sex with a man. He says to himself it never happened. He has not had any type of relationship with these men. It is literally just anal sex. No kissing, or anything. He loves anal. He says he loves vagina more. I am not sure. We do both.

I know it hurts. I am just not sure I can trust him, or if he can control his lusts. He also was seeking to fulfill these desires dangerously. I mean on craigslist. I wish you well, and I feel your pain... Good Luck with whatever you decide. Remember you matter too. His issues, doesn't erase your hurt. We have to care for our Self in these situations, as much or even more than we care for them. Hugs

Oliver2011 · Oct 25, 2012, 07:55 AM

You have two, three, possibly more warning signs that are pointing to something is just not right here.

I did the same thing when I was married. There were warning signs and I would always make a excuse and she would believe it until the next sign. Then finally I came clean. Even though we are divorced we are very good friends.

When you are in a relationship shouldn't your life be totally transparent to your partner? It doesn't sound like his is to yours. Does he keep a password on the tablet?

Sorry I didn't give any advice. I will leave that to others who aren't guilty of the same thing like I am. But good luck with everything anyway.