[scott72]

My girlfriend has a 12 year old son who always has to have her complete attention. He interrupts me when I am talking to her in person, or on the phone. When are walking some where he cuts me off making me stutter step, or pushes his way between me and his mother. He tries to listen in on anything me and her talk about. I have tried saying something nicely to her about him, she says he is just excited. I watched him for the day today and never the first problem until his mom came over and we went out for the evening. Then the typical started I end up walking behind them because I am sick and tired of competing for her attention. I am thinking telling her that on her weekends with him just to stay at home with him because I do not want to deal him unless he can learn how to act. My two kids give us no problem niether does her 16 year old daughter only him. HELP!! He is a good kid other wise, and my girlfriend is a once in a life time kind of lady, I don't want to lose her as I lost her once in high school. HELP!! How do I ask her to break him off her hip and get him to act his age?

[cdad]

He is acting his age. If you read what you have written then you will see he is trying to protect his mom and there may be some separation aniety going on. At this point he is / was the man of the house and now your pushing yourself into his territory. You're an adult so you see the world much different then a 12 y/o does. You can't ask her to choose between her child and yourself.

You also mention when he is with her one her weekends. What is the situation with custody at this time?

[joypulv]

I think patience is key. He will change a lot in the next year and subsequent years. You probably entered his mother's life at a key age for him. He's just on the edge of accepting that she might have interest in a man other than his father. You say you don't want to lose her, so don't issue any ultimatums.
You could also plan a very carefully worded talk with him someday when she isn't there, saying you love her and that mean you care very much about him too, and you aren't trying to come between them. No need to mention his dad, even though he probably has strong feelings about it. It's a fact of life he will eventually come to terms with.

[scott72]

I have my kids every other weekend she has her daughter all the time, she has him all the time except every other weekend when I do not have my kids. I expect immaturity from him and not to like my kids mine are very mature for their ages but he acts like a 1st grader not a 7th grader. Me and her can not get a picture together with out him trying to be in the back ground. It is like he is afraid he is going to miss one word between us. If me and her kiss he thumps her in the face, or takes his finger and mashes her nose inseide her head to say. Complete disrespect from him to his mom in ways like that. She gets ill with him but always says he is just excited. I say do like I did with mine and let the seat of learning meet the rod of knowledge. He is a mommies boy. She has even jumped on kids at his school for them picking on him for running on all fours across the school lawn and making cat noises all of the time. He demands every ones attion when she is around. My son is acting out at times I crack the whip quickly to let her see how it should be, but I am very fair. She will ground him only to forget about it in minutes.

[scott72]

I think patience is key. He will change a lot in the next year and subsequent years. You probably entered his mother's life at a key age for him. He's just on the edge of accepting that she might have interest in a man other than his father. You say you don't want to lose her, so don't issue any ultimatums.
You could also plan a very carefully worded talk with him someday when she isn't there, saying you love her and that mean you care very much about him too, and you aren't trying to come between them. No need to mention his dad, even though he probably has strong feelings about it. It's a fact of life he will eventually come to terms with.

If something doesn't change soon with him I have to do something. I can't stand to see her ran over and ruled by a kid. Mine don't do it they have manners. I am a smart person and very street wise and I see the things he is doing out greed of his mothers attention and because he thinks he is cute. I think by making demands lightly she will see error of her ways by protecting him too much and allow him to mature to where he should be. Kids thrive on excusses

[joypulv]

He does sound very immature for 12. In fact it sounds like he has some developmental problems - BUT how are his grades? What do his teachers say about the childish acts? Is he this immature about everything? We aren't there so can't see the whole picture.
As for how you raise your kids... that's how you raise your kids. Her kids are hers, and she raises them how she wants.

[scott72]

In the past I have had talks with my kids on how they have been with their own mother and it went really well on helping her to stop the things they were causing problems with her and her guy friends. I have advised my girlfriend with her daughter and it worked very well and stopped a lot of her daughters anger, but her son is the baby and needs to pulled from the teet. I just don't know how to do it other than stop it around me by not seeing each other when he is with her on her weekends

[JudyKayTee]

In the past i have had talks with my kids on how they have been with thier own mother and it went really well on helping her to stop the things they were causing problems with her and her guy friends. I have advised my girlfriend with her daughter and it worked very well and stopped alot of her daughters anger, but her son is the baby and needs to pulled from the teet. I just dont know how to do it other than stop it around me by not seeing each other when he is with her on her weekends

For starters I'd stop telling her how to raise her children. Maybe you have model children, maybe you don't. I have no idea. I do know that comparing one child with another isn't fair to anyone.

You are dating the child's mother. That's who/what you are to him - someone dating his mother. No more and no less. Maybe cracking the whip with your children worked for you. Apparently that's not part of her parenting plan.

I suspect that when you propose your "I only see you on weekends when HE is with HIS father" plan she'll walk out the door. This is not the basis for a lasting relationship and unless she's willing to date you forever, I suspect she'll end the relationship.

And, yes, an ill behaved child if the birth parent sees no problem will kill a relationship - fast.

She's not a single person - she's a mother with responsibility for her child. They come as a package deal.

I guessing you aren't in the US?

[scott72]

For starters I'd stop telling her how to raise her children. Maybe you have model children, maybe you don't. I have no idea. I do know that comparing one child with another isn't fair to anyone.

You are dating the child's mother. That's who/what you are to him - someone dating his mother. No more and no less. Maybe cracking the whip with your children worked for you. Apparently that's not part of her parenting plan.

I suspect that when you propose your "I only see you on weekends when HE is with HIS father" plan she'll walk out the door. This is not the basis for a lasting relationship and unless she's willing to date you forever, I suspect she'll end the relationship.

And, yes, an ill behaved child if the birth parent sees no problem will kill a relationship - fast.

She's not a single person - she's a mother with responsibility for her child. They come as a package deal.

I guessing you aren't in the US?

Proudly in the State of North Carolina Born In Colorado and lived in West Virginia.
I have read in the bible and been raised that kids are to be taught and showed how to be not to rule and give demands. That is a problem I have seen with many single mothers their kids tell them what they will do. My parents when I grew I did as I was told they were the adults, not me. As far as a package deal this I know as it is a two way street. My kids show respect at all times if they don't I punish, she just makes excusses. Why? Why stop him from learning to be a man? She lives with her mom her daughter and her son he has no male model that pays him attention, when I step up for things she makes excusse like I my break his heart on telling him is wrong about when he tells me what I have said what is OK for my daughter to do he thinks he knows best. I correct him then and there but she tells me he just excited and wants to help. Me when I was a kid and I stepped out of line I was slapped back in place. I know times have changed as I have with them but to have a kid tell me what I will and will not do is unexceptible at all leavels. For me to of told an adult as a kid what to do was disrespectful. That's how I view it today. I am not asking for what you think of me but I am asking for help with dealing with an immature child who is clearly to sheltered. I want to handle it the right way, but I have tyo keep my kids inmind as well who are watching this as well. Is if fair to say you can not act out of line but he can?? Would you let your child control your happiness? I won't. The world owes me nothing I owe it. That's how I see it, I owe my kids life leasons on right and wrong as she does and you do, nothing else. I desearve to be happy not stressed from a kid wanting it all to themselves. Kids need boundries, mine have them most everyone I know who has kids have boundries, why not hers? Hers have excusses. Let them grow up and learn, not grow up and depend on mommy.

[Wondergirl]

Proudly in the State of North Carolina Born In Colorado and lived in West Virginia.
I have read in the bible and been raised that kids are to be taught and showed how to be not to rule and give demands. That is a problem I have seen with many single mothers their kids tell them what they will do. My parents when i grew i did as i was told they were the adults, not me.

I was born and raised in NC until I was ten (yay Tar Heels!), have vacationed all over Colorado, plus I am not only a preacher's kid but also a former parochial school teacher and mother of two sons. I do understand your wish to pry this young man away from his mother, but you are going about it the wrong way.

Have you ever tried to connect with him by playing catch or video games or even pulling out an old board game or jigsaw puzzle that you two can do together?

[JudyKayTee]

Proudly in the State of North Carolina Born In Colorado and lived in West Virginia.
I have read in the bible and been raised that kids are to be taught and showed how to be not to rule and give demands. That is a problem I have seen with many single mothers their kids tell them what they will do. My parents when i grew i did as i was told they were the adults, not me. As far as a package deal this i know as it is a two way street. My kids show respect at all times if they don't I punish, she just makes excusses. Why? Why stop him from learning to be a man? She lives with her mom her daughter and her son he has no male model that pays him attention, when I step up for things she makes excusse like i my break his heart on telling him is wrong about when he tells me what I have said what is ok for my daughter to do he thinks he knows best. I correct him then and there but she tells me he just excited and wants to help. Me when i was a kid and i stepped out of line i was slapped back in place. I know times have changed as i have with them but to have a kid tell me what i will and will not do is unexceptible at all leavels. For me to of told an adult as a kid what to do was disrespectful. Thats how i view it today. I am not asking for what you think of me but I am asking for help with dealing with an immature child who is clearly to sheltered. I want to handle it the right way, but i have tyo keep my kids inmind as well who are watching this as well. Is if fair to say you can not act out of line but he can??? Would you let your child control your happiness? I won't. The world owes me nothing i owe it. Thats how i see it, i owe my kids life leasons on right and wrong as she does and you do, nothing else. I desearve to be happy not stressed from a kid wanting it all to themselves. Kids need boundries, mine have them most everyone i know who has kids have boundries, why not hers? Hers have excusses. Let them grow up and learn, not grow up and depend on mommy.

You can raise YOUR kids any way you want, according to your Bible. This is not YOUR kid. This is HER kid. It's now how it should be, it's how it is.

Correcting this child is not your job in life. If the kid is controlling YOUR happiness it is because YOU are allowing it. Walk away. This is not your dream woman if you like 75% of the things about her.

Why not hers (children)? Because she doesn't think it's a problem.

And Wondergirl has some good ideas - very good ideas. Befriend the kid. Be less of a threat to him. I also don't know how many other men have been in and out of the child's life. Maybe that's the problem.

Either way - if you can't tolerate the child's behavior this is not the relationship for you and she'd have to be crazy to take the relationship a step farther if you are so disapproving of the child and her parenting skills.

[cdad]

Here is the problem you face. She has been raising this child for 12 years this way. Don't expect it to change anytime soon. You either are going to have to face dealing with it or cut your losses and leave. It doesn't seem healthy for you or your children to witness this ongoing conflict.

[scott72]

I was born and raised in NC until I was ten (yay Tar Heels!), have vacationed all over Colorado, plus I am not only a preacher's kid but also a former parochial school teacher and mother of two sons. I do understand your wish to pry this young man away from his mother, but you are going about it the wrong way.

Have you ever tried to connect with him by playing catch or video games or even pulling out an old board game or jigsaw puzzle that you two can do together?

I sure have even gave him a few hundred dollars worth of fishing tackle and stuff today. Today he wasn't half bad but in public he really tries me. I mean he tries to race me to open the door for his mom as a gentleman should. What bothers me the most is the disrespect towards his mom, it embarrases her. For me I really could care less except the nosing in so much. Today she tried to whispper something to me he leaned in to listen I put my habd out and pushed him back and told him if it was meant for him to hear she would have said it out loud. The look he gave me was like I was the most horrible person in the world. I told him right after that I am sorry I made him mad, but I really didn't care that he was mad, something's just isn't his business. My kids today told him to get off his mom and grow up. That worked really good for the rest of the day.

[Wondergirl]

I sure have even gave him a few hundred dollars worth of fishing tackle and stuff today. Today he wasnt half bad but in public he really tries me. I mean he tries to race me to open the door for his mom as a gentleman should. what bothers me the most is the disrespect towards his mom, it embarrases her. For me i really could care less except the nosing in so much. Today she tried to whispper something to me he leaned in to listen i put my habd out and pushed him back and told him if it was meant for him to hear she would of said it out loud. The look he gave me was like i was the most horrible person in the world. I told him right after that I am sorry i made him mad, but i really didnt care that he was mad, somethings just isnt his business. My kids today told him to get off of his mom and grow up. That worked really good for the rest of the day.

I'm glad you are trying to connect with him, but be careful with spending money and looking like you are buying your way into his heart.

If he acts disrespectful or is doing something you don't like, like racing you to the door, spin it to the positive, tease him, be silly and make a joke somehow. Making him mad is only going to come back on you someday, even if he seems to "behave" after you push him away or tell him off.

Also, it's HER responsibility and duty to be in charge of her son, so suggest she sign up for this site and talk with us. We'll give her useful ways to rein him in without making him defiant or hateful.

[scott72]

I'm glad you are trying to connect with him, but be careful with spending money and looking like you are buying your way into his heart.

If he acts disrespectful or is doing something you don't like, like racing you to the door, spin it to the positive, tease him, be silly and make a joke somehow. Making him mad is only going to come back on you someday, even if he seems to "behave" after you push him away or tell him off.

Also, it's HER responsibility and duty to be in charge of her son, so suggest she sign up for this site and talk with us. We'll give her useful ways to rein him in without making him defiant or hateful.

I told her today the things that are bothering to a point that I can't stand it but I was very nice and calm about it. I explained to her that when she is bothered by something with my kids I take immidate action (on disrespect) in many forms that everyone can be comfortable with. I make no excusses for my kids, it teaches them to own up to things they do and accept responsibilities not make excusses. I told her this and it may of sank in. She said nothing today when my son said in front of her for her son to grow up. Her son went in and played video games for most of the evening. I came and asked him if was doing any good at it and listend to him tell me all about his game. Today went how it should have went in my opinion. She had to see making excusses wasn't helping him. Her kids and mine as well all have seen too much over the past few years between father mother fights and such, but is no excuss for ill manners. I believe kids have to be structured to be independent and when his mom didn't take up for him against my son he found his own way out and how to deal with it on his own. Maybe a life lesson learned.

[JudyKayTee]

I told her today the things that are bothering to a point that i can't stand it but i was very nice and calm about it. I explained to her that when she is bothered by something with my kids i take immidate action (on disrespect) in many forms that everyone can be comfortable with. I make no excusses for my kids, it teaches them to own up to things they do and accept responsiblities not make excusses. I told her this and it may of sank in. She said nothing today when my son said infront of her for her son to grow up. Her son went in and played video games for most of the evening. I came and asked him if was doing any good at it and listend to him tell me all about his game. Today went how it should of went in my oppinion. She had to see making excusses wasnt helping him. Her kids and mine as well all have seen to much over the past few years between father mother fights and such, but is no excuss for ill manners. I believe kids have to be structured to be independent and when his mom didnt take up for him against my son he found his own way out and how to deal with it on his own. Maybe a life lesson learned.

So now he's being discplined by his father, his mother, you - and your kids.

I really can't read any more of this - I'm out of here.

[Wondergirl]

Do you understand what Judy is saying, Scott? Your girlfriend's son is responsible only to her -- not to you and not to your children. I'm glad you reached out to connect with him with the video game; that was good. The young man doesn't need to be sent mixed messages from three or more different people.

I want you to back off with the correcting, and for sure your children have no business correcting him. Instead, I want you to do your best to connect with him and bring a smile to his face... hmmmm... twice a day. Would you be willing to give that a try for a week and then let me know what happened? Or even report back here when something like that is successful, like you did with the video game.

I really think this can work, and if she sees you and her son doing better (and you be the example for your children), you will certainly own a piece of her heart.

[teacherjenn4]

I told her today the things that are bothering to a point that i can't stand it but i was very nice and calm about it. I explained to her that when she is bothered by something with my kids i take immidate action (on disrespect) in many forms that everyone can be comfortable with. I make no excusses for my kids, it teaches them to own up to things they do and accept responsiblities not make excusses. I told her this and it may of sank in. She said nothing today when my son said infront of her for her son to grow up. Her son went in and played video games for most of the evening. I came and asked him if was doing any good at it and listend to him tell me all about his game. Today went how it should of went in my oppinion. She had to see making excusses wasnt helping him. Her kids and mine as well all have seen to much over the past few years between father mother fights and such, but is no excuss for ill manners. I believe kids have to be structured to be independent and when his mom didnt take up for him against my son he found his own way out and how to deal with it on his own. Maybe a life lesson learned.

Give her time alone with him on her weekends, too. There is a lot going on in a 12 year old body. This is a child she has raised. Can't you spend time with her alone? It isn't fair that he has to deal with his mom kissing someone. Yuck! Are you her first boyfriend, post divorce, or have there been others?

[jenniepepsi]

How old was he when his father and mother split up (divorced or otherwise) and how long of a process was it?
At this age, he sees EVERYTHING, and knows exactly what is going on.
It sounds like you are in competition with this boy, and he can see that you feel that way. And he acts on it. Its normal for a 12 year old.

Not really normal for a grown man.

[scott72]

Ok my girlfriend went into her sons toilet clean it this morning and found a journal that he is keeping about me. She read it, called me to apologize. He has been doing things on purpose to get me and his mom to breakup for two different reasons. The first reason is because of his grandmother being negative about his mom and trashing the mother behind her back in front of the boy by saying things like her daughter didn't need no one in her life to interfere with the up bringing of het kids. Second reason is because he thinks we may get married and move out his school district. My girlfriend said she will get to the bottom of this with her mom, as for her son, she is going to bring him over this evening and let him read his journal to and discuss his punishment over with me. Lol I think having to read the journal will be enough punishment alone.

To those who replied telling me to walk away and to act like an adult I hope you see that psychology isn't always an answer.