Check out some similar questions!

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 07:15 AM

Hi all. I've been a long time viewer of this website. I've found talaniman's advice especially accurate and relevant to the questions.

So the deal is, I met this girl at a student organization at my university. When we first met, our personalities clicked really well and we both had the same worldview and had similar interests. Problem was, she was in a long term relationship.

Fast forward about a week, and she broke up with him. I don't think it was *for me*, in fact I'm pretty certain of that. She said she didn't have feelings for him anymore.

So then we started talking/flirting more, and over the course of the next week and a half went on three dates. They were fantastic. No problems whatsoever, and even her friend thought I was great (which is always a plus).

Here is where my question comes in. So she broke up with her ex, but she still rents from the same house as him, so they see each other every day. After reading the advice on this website, I called things off with her because she didn't have enough time after her LTR, her ex still wanted her, and she still lived with him. I said it wasn't that I wasn't interested, it was that the circumstances surrounding a relationship we would start now would not be conducive to its flourishing, and we would be better off starting from a clean slate.

I also made a judgement call that it wouldn't be wise for us (me, basically) to wait for her to move out so we could pick up where we left off. By and large she understood and agreed with my concerns. She expressed her feelings that it felt bad she didn't have an opportunity to get to know me better, and I definitely feel the same way, but in the interest of preventing the risk of either of us getting jaded from this or having an unhealthy relationship with an ex in the background, I was unwavering in my decision. The point I made was that I would definitely want to have a relationship with her in the future, but that I couldn't guarantee it and I wouldn't lead her on while she was in the process of moving.

Question: Did I make the right decision in all respects? Or is there something an expert out there would have changed about it? Because calling things off, even after such a short time of getting to know her, feels bad. I'm just looking for someone else's opinion on my decision and maybe what to expect/do for the future.

joypulv · Sep 28, 2012, 08:33 AM

I hesitate to respond, not being talaniman.
So I'll just say quickly that we can't possibly know how 'over' the ex she is. If she is, and you like her a lot, you risk pursuing it. If she isn't but is anywhere from too busy to move out all the way to still seeing him, then you made the right decision. Only you and she know that. Reading into what you write, I'd say she is really sad that you chose the safe route. Love always has risks.

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2012, 08:38 AM

You very probably would have been in a rebound relationship so soon after her breakup (and she really hasn't separated from him yet). Rebounds don't have long lives. Better to let her make a firm and final break with him, have time to heal, and maybe something will work for the two of you in the future (or maybe it won't). Meanwhile, date them all -- like Tal says, the fat and thin, the tall and short, the shy and the chatty...

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 08:39 AM

Thanks for your response. Yeah that's part of why I'm not totally happy with the decision. The thing is though, if I pursued it doesn't that scream "Rebound Guy?" And I'm sure you would agree I need to watch out for my own feelings above all, and I can't be comfortable with my girlfriend living in the same house as her long term ex boyfriend *even if* she's over him.

joypulv · Sep 28, 2012, 08:47 AM

Two of us gave you different advice. Only you can decide. It's clear you are still torn between being sensible and being a risk taker. That's life. I suppose it's too late to spend any time at her house to get a feel for what's going on. That's what I would have done before breaking up.

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2012, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

Thanks for your response. Yeah that's part of why I'm not totally happy with the decision. The thing is though, if I pursued it doesn't that scream "Rebound Guy?" And I'm sure you would agree I need to watch out for my own feelings above all, and I can't be comfortable with my girlfriend living in the same house as her long term ex boyfriend *even if* she's over him.

I sure wouldn't want to not only be "Rebound Guy" but also be dating a person who still lived with the most recent ex. Talk about strained relationships and divided loyalties... Of course, if I like a lot of dust swirling around my head and chaos in my life, sure.

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 08:57 AM

It's funny, because logically we all say we wouldn't pursue these things when talking about someone else's situation. I know I wouldn't advise it. So it's irrational for me to want to now. But there's a reason it almost puts a cringe on people's faces when they hear your girlfriend *lives with* her most recent ex.

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2012, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

It's funny, because logically we all say we wouldn't pursue these things when talking about someone else's situation. I know I wouldn't advise it. So it's irrational for me to want to now. But there's a reason it almost puts a cringe on people's faces when they hear your girlfriend *lives with* her most recent ex.

I'm a logical person. I am also practical (my Teutonic heritage is raging).

Well, then, I will play devil's advocate and take the opposite tack and advise you to make up with her and continue to date her. Let me know in a month how that's working out for you.

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 09:04 AM

Ah, sorry if that sounded like I was just dismissing your advice; not what I meant. It was more of an observation that I have the inclination to "want" to be irrational about it, despite my usual rationality toward things. That's all.

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2012, 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

Ah, sorry if that sounded like I was just dismissing your advice; not what I meant. It was more of an observation that I have the inclination to "want" to be irrational about it, despite my usual rationality toward things. That's all.

I didn't feel dismissed. :) I decided to channel Dr. Phil and play devil's advocate. Each of us pushes back against people who have logic on their side. When it comes to feelings, we all are irrational now and then.

How irrational do you want to be?

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 09:21 AM

I mean, operating on purely sensible logic, I should just move on and date other people. And if we're both single and her ex is out of the picture, then we could start over. But as I'm sure you regulars on here hear from a *lot* of posters, they like this one specific person for one reason or another.

I don't want to be irrational at all, in any aspect of life really. I'm a skeptic when it comes to religious claims, etc. I like her, but I could see sh*t hitting the fan real fast relatively easily entering into this type of volatile situation.

I guess you guys have answered my question. I was right about the "sensible" thing to do. Now I have to just decide to either *be* sensible or be an (idiot? Risk-taker? Idk).

Wondergirl · Sep 28, 2012, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

I guess you guys have answered my question. I was right about the "sensible" thing to do. Now I have to just decide to either *be* sensible or be an (idiot? risk-taker? idk).

I can't wait to find out how this story plays out. Will this be grist for my next romance novel? Stay tuned!

dnaghitorabi · Sep 28, 2012, 09:32 AM

Hah, very funny. I'll try to remember to report back once some time has passed.

dnaghitorabi · Sep 30, 2012, 07:43 AM

We talked this morning. Told her I liked her and didn't want the ember between us to burn out. We want to try again but we agreed to take things slow.

Wondergirl · Sep 30, 2012, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

We talked this morning. Told her I liked her and didn't want the ember between us to burn out. We want to try again but we agreed to take things slow.

So how will you take things slow?

dnaghitorabi · Sep 30, 2012, 08:03 AM

Basically I took that as we're not going to rush into being "official." We'll still go on dates and have fun, but probably won't rush into sex. I'm fine with that though, I like her as a person, not just for sex.

Wondergirl · Sep 30, 2012, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

Basically I took that as we're not going to rush into being "official." We'll still go on dates and have fun, but probably won't rush into sex. I'm fine with that though, I like her as a person, not just for sex.

And remember that you don't have to spend a ton of money to go on a date and have fun. Some of the best dates I ever went on were "free" or nearly so -- walking around Oak Park (near my college) with a guy who loved architecture and who told me about the Frank Lloyd Wright homes we saw there, going with someone else to an ice cream parlor and pigging out on banana splits, trekking around a state park carrying my date's camera equipment (two bags and a tripod) while he took pictures of waterfalls and chipmunks. (I married this last guy. Musta been his affection for chipmunks that did it... )

dnaghitorabi · Sep 30, 2012, 08:34 AM

Yep. She and I both like tennis and volleyball and on our first date we played both and really enjoyed it. Ice cream sounds like a great idea though for sure. Thanks!

Wondergirl · Sep 30, 2012, 08:35 AM

Originally Posted by dnaghitorabi

Yep. She and I both like tennis and volleyball and on our first date we played both and really enjoyed it. Ice cream sounds like a great idea though for sure. Thanks!

So you will keep us informed?

dnaghitorabi · Sep 30, 2012, 08:41 AM

I'll try to. Hopefully I won't forget because whichever way this relationship turns out would be helpful to future people in similar situations.