[Confused4481]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because he doesn't sleep over one to two nights during the week (I have my own apartment) and he doesn't prioritize me. He said he was going to propose by the end o the year. But that he couldn't stay over because he had to stay home and take care of his mother and grandmother. But that once we got engaged he would move in. I asked him how can you say you'll move in when you can't even sleep one to two nights a week!? He totally contradicts himself. And, I know in my gut that he will always put my third. I have my own beautiful apt and he can't seem to sleepover during the week I have been asking him for two years now. I broke up with him because he said he would work on staying over, work on it? Shouldn't it happen naturally shouldn't he want to stay over? I love him very much bit I just never see him ever leaving his house to form a life w me. Now I don't know if I did the right thing I'm having doubts :( please help

[JudyKayTee]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years bc he doesn't sleep over one to two nights during the week (I have my own apartment) and he doesn't prioritize me. He said he was going to propose by the end o the year. But that he couldn't stay over because he had to stay home and take care of his mother and grandmother. But that once we got engaged he would move in. I asked him how can you say youll move in when you can't even sleep one to two nights a week!?? He totally contradicts himself. And, I know in my gut that he will always put my third. I have my own beautiful apt and he can't seem to sleepover during the week I have been asking him for two years now. I broke up with him because he said he would work on staying over, work on it? Shouldnt it happen naturally shouldnt he want to stay over? I love him very much bit I just never see him ever leaving his house to form a life w me. Now I don't know if I did the right thing I'm havin doubts :( please help

Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.

[Confused4481]

Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.



--- we were together for a year and a half and he asked what I thought about moving in. He started bringing his clothes and Then all of a sudden his mom became "sick" - he would tell me that his mother would guilt him into staying home she would say things like "what if grandma were to die while your out"... Then he said he would get a two family house for all of us. I said I didn't like the idea however we could all live close by he said okay. Now he is telling me that he can't sleep over because he must be home to take care of his mom and grandma. It just kills me because he is such a great guy but I just don't see him ever leaving his house. I just don't get it how he can't sleep over one to two days during the week but says that he will one engaged I feel like is just using excuses to gain more time because he feels guilty leaving his house.

[JudyKayTee]

Maybe he doesn't want to move in without being in a committed relationship. Maybe his mother and grandmother think he should get married before he moves in.

Maybe it's some other reason.

The only way to know is to ask. Communication is the key.

I'd be more concerned about coming in third on his list of priorities.



--- we were together for a year and a half and he asked what I thought about moving in. He started bringing his clothes and Then all of a sudden his mom became "sick" - he would tell me that his mother would guilt him into staying home she would say things like "what if grandma were to die while your out".... Then he said he would get a two family house for all of us. I said I didn't like the idea however we could all live close by he said okay. Now he is telling me that he can't sleep over bc he must be home to take care of his mom and grandma. It just kills me bc he is such a great guy but I just don't see him ever leaving his house. I just don't get it how he can't sleep over one to two days during the week but says that he will one engaged i feel like is just using excuses to gain more time bc he feels guilty leaving his house.

I see Mom as a VERY large problem. I'd have my concerns, no matter how great a guy he is. I think after a while you'll resent the attention he gives his mother.

A two family house he can live close to his mother and grandmother?

Run, run for your life!

[Randy2138]

@Confused, it sounds to me that he is just stalling. For whatever reason, I do not know. I find it odd that all of a sudden, his mother would get sick and guilt him to staying home.

If he really loved you and truly wanted the same things you did, he would tell his mother that this is what he wants and will live his life accordingly.

Never say never, but it looks as if he is not going to put first. Sounds to me that he is just stringing you along. How old are the both of you?

[Fr_Chuck]

Agreed, is it a religious or moral issue?

How ill and elderly is his mother and grandmother ? Who cares for them during the day?

Does he ever leave them alone ?

Have you asked him to tell you, how he can leave them latter but can't now ?

[Randy2138]

@Confused, If you love him, you must tell him exactly how you feel. Give him the chance to let him tell you exactly how he feels. Three years is a lot to throw away and I would want to make sure I did everything before letting go! Let's be honest, the two of you would not be together for 3 years and talking about marriage if you did not love each other. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he might be nervous or afraid to leave his home, which is no reflection on you. Just try and talk to him and maybe by you opening up, he will do the same.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out for the best!

[Confused4481]

His grandmother is 85 she has Alzheimer's and his mom is an abled bodied 60 year old. The mom takes care of the grandmother and an aide comes during the day. He has told me before that his mom used to guilt him from going out by saying "what if something happened to your grandmother you wouldn't be able to say goodbye" and she tried to guilt me one night into staying at their house and sleeping over she said "you know you are the woman whatever you do He will do" and I said "sorry I have a lot of things to do at home I have to go" and he would struggle at times he would come to my place other times he would stay home. I think sometimes it may be a combo of both he is not ready to take on full responsibility of mom, grandma and me. So he chooses to stay home to avoid anymore resposibility. We love each other very much that I know but I have had enough I have spoken to him three times and all three times they became huge arguments those were the only big arguments we've had in our relationship. He would say that I was pressuring him and that he needed to stay home and help out his mom. I spoke to him this past weekend on hopes to try and compromise and all he could say is nope I'm not I can't I won't because I need to stay home and take care of my mom and grandma but when we get engaged end of the year we will move in I said how does that make sense you can't sleep over one to two nights a week now but in three months you'll move in!? He just said well I can't promise you that I will sleep over now because I must take care of them so I said then you know what this is over I can't do this anymore everyone is priority except me I can't do this anymore and I broke up w him. It hurts me but I can't continue like this feeling like I'm on the backburner all the time

[Confused4481]

I'm 31 he is 34

We always would take family vacations we Just recently took a vacation just him and I in August for the first time. He would sleep over Saturday nights when his mom would stay at his sisters house.

[Randy2138]

@Confused, I know how you feel. From how you are describing this, it seems as if you are prioritizing him, but he is not prioritizing you. You are right, it doesn't make sense that in three months he will be moving in after proposing to you, but cannot spend a night or two during the week. That raises a red flag for me.

Let me ask you this. Since his mom guilt's him into staying home, God forbid something should happen, does that mean he should never ever leave his house to meet up with friends or go to dinner with you on the fear that something might happen?

Do you guys live near each other? It sounds as if he is not so close to you that he can run home, God forbid something happens.

[joypulv]

Remember the movie Moonstruck with Cher and Nicholas Cage - and the guy whose mother has a heart attack every time he plans to marry Cher?
This is very common. One son who can't leave his mother. My ex had a brother who was like that, although he eventually managed to marry and live nearby. His mother tried to convince him that there was something wrong with each girlfriend, usually that she was a golddigger.
Some men will get away, some won't. I think it's worse when the threat of dropping dead is the manipulation tool. Maybe a lot has to do with when the father died or left, and mom said 'You're the man of the house now.'

[Randy2138]

I feel that deep down you already know what the answers are, as well as what you should do. What do you feel is the best thing for you?

[Confused4481]

They live 20 minutes away from me and his sister lives 10 minutes away. I feel 90% I did the right thing the other 10% I doubt myself because he is a wonderful man and I love him very much. But he never even tried and I'm tired of asking for his time because those things should happen naturally. He had a ring but nothing would ever change I just be a miserable backburner in love w hope of change fiancé

[Randy2138]

Can you see yourself with someone else that will put you first? I only ask because if you do, he may not be the one for you.

[Confused4481]

Shouldn't a man (a person) put his happiness and the one who makes him happy first? That's how I was brought up and what I think to be right. I told him we would take care of his family and my family together but he never got it. He just said that I was selfish asking him to chose between his family and I. I never asked him to chose. All I asked was for one to two times a week to sleep over and for us to progress into a life together. As of now I can't envision myself w anyone else I'm heart broken and afraid that this will happen again.

Joy- his mom and sister always tell him "your the man of the house" the mortgage is under his name and the mom is always saying how she has no one. He has an older brother and an older sister they wipe their hands clean on any real responsibility because he is there for her. I just find it so evil to act like that and be like that w a son when when she sees how we respect and love each other. I spoke to her about six months ago and told her I don't want to take your son away in fact your gaining a daughter as she got so defensive and said he can do whatever he wants with his life. However when we took our first boyfriend and girlfriend trip together she called us and said "miss you guys we should be there on vacation together as a family" I even felt guilty when she said that so I can't even imagine what she says to him behind closed doors :( its so sad

[Randy2138]

Yes, a man should put his happiness and the one who makes him happy first. This now begs the question, is he really happy with you and the relationship? Quite the dilemma you are in. I always believed that if you break up, it is permanent. Remember this, although peoples lives change, people themselves do not change. I am a firm believer in this. I think you should confront him one last time to see if the two of you can work through it. If you cannot, then maybe you should consider being alone for awhile. After breakups, you need to put yourself first and not worry about someone elses' happiness when they do not worry about yours!

[Confused4481]

The dad cheated on the mom ten years ago and ever since then he has been the care taker. She has no friends because he is her friend.

[Randy2138]

Sounds as if it is a bond that will never be broken or changed

[Confused4481]

He told me a month ago how we are destined to be. How he can't picture life without me I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and how he couldn't wait till our anniversary (in december). From what I know and from how he speaks about me to people hen in there and not there. I know he really loves me. But the fact that he was willing to say "no no no I can't promise you that I can't do it I must stay home to take care of my mom and grandmother" really hurt me and made me realize that perhaps he doesn't love me enough to break free- he stood up to her about a year ago and she guilted him saying how she is his mother she's been there for him all his life and no one else ever will be. And, like I said al of a sudden her she started having heart palpitations and thought she may have had cancer. And none were really true because nothing else surfaced after she went to the doctor.

[Randy2138]

Actions speak louder than words. It sounds as if his mother is trying to put some kind of wedge between the two of you. This will be until the day she dies. He may love you and want those things, but he cannot bring himself to do it. I cannot see it getting easier as time goes on. Eventually his grandmother will pass and in time his mother will get sick. He will feel extremely guilty for not being there the way he is now. He may even hold that against you.