[hernandoramirez]

Before I start this awkward story, I’d like you guys not to judge me or criticize, or even put labels, I just want you to understand and help me as much as you can, because you are the only help I can get now, and the once who love to insult people without understanding their feelings or situation I would kindly ask not to comment. Thank you.

That happened 4 weeks ago, I was parting with my friends in a night club, with girls (I am straight and never questioned myself if I am bi or gay). I’m 23 years old. It was 2 am when my friends spread out. I was dancing alone in this club, was completely wasted, blocked out, and suddenly this guy who later on became by best friend approached to me. I don’t know how I could go against my moral believes and my sexual orientation, I stepped forward to him and began dancing. I had too much drink that day, so I switched my brain off and continued dancing. Suddenly he kissed me. At first felt disgusted, but then I just let it happen, because honestly I didn’t' much care about this life anymore. I had nervous breakdowns and stress, and that last step was very challenging, it has like exploded all my emotions, and I used the opportunity to experience same sex connection, knowing that I don’t lose anything. We had a wonderful day, and I don’t deny we spent all night together.

In the morning, when I sobered up, I had another breakdown which made me to hire a therapist, because for me for a Christian guy, it was unforgivable. I confessed, I tried to forget everything, because I know that I’m not bi and cannot see myself in that kind of position, it just doesn't fit my standards. I wanted to leave the place without telling him anything, but something made me to get his email.

Before I continue, I want you to guys know that all my life I was alone, I didn’t receive much care from my parents or my relatives, and the pain the unfairness towards my life was torturing me inside. It’s like I was looking for a savior or for a saint to set me free from this pain of being alone, even my girlfriends didn’t give me the care I was expecting. To sum it up, I was quite not happy for a long time.

When I met this person, my life has completely altered, it was like a gift. I made new friends, changed my daily activities; in other words, began feeling the freedom and joy of this life. So I got his email, and I was emailing him every day. Soon we met again, because I didn't remember him because, I was blocked out. When I saw him, we start talking more about our lives. He appeared to be 42 years old guy, who honestly look like 27, in a gay marriage, but divorced, and who by the way has 3 kids. These facts were shocking for me, because I had never had any interaction with gay people in all my life. I learned that he was going a tough time and pain because of his 13 years of marriage, which unfortunately has collapsed just recently.

My therapist labeled it as a gift, sent by our lord to fulfill the holes in our souls. It’s like I was looking for someone like him who could fulfill the gaps in my heart and soul, who could alleviate the pain I was facing. We became very good friends, meaning we are very good friends, despite the fact that he 42 and I am 23. After several meetings I became extremely connected to him, I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but if I don't hear from him I go crazy, start worrying that something bad could happen to him. Ever since I start questioning myself "what is it, why would God send me him, why not a girl who can help me to cope with my issues." I keep going to my therapy, and every time I talked to my therapist she tells me that it’s a gift, I need to take it and appreciate.

Today we had a dinner together and we talked about his kids and divorce issues. One more thing, I am not attracted to him sexually because I just hate it, guys don’t turn me on, it might seem insulting to other people, which I apologize in advance, but I can’t see myself in his arms; however, when I am, I feel protected and safe, it’s like all the love and worm feelings I didn’t get from my parents is now being given by him. To put it bluntly, I feel happy and special that somebody REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. My life has changed completely, I began smiling, and appreciating the wonderful world and life, but before I was careless

About him; He never implied to be intimate with me, ever; moreover, he respect me being straight, and never let his eyes on me like on a new date or mate. Ever.

At first I thought that I see in him a father, or brother, everything. But today after the dinner I had this feeling that I just cannot be without him for 1 second, I feel so empty inside when he is not around, like my whole world is being destroyed again and I find myself again depressed and lonely. Than I put my moral belief away, all the thoughts what other people would say or think of me, or my relatives,( honestly I really don't care), because it’s my life. I think I am in love with this person, but deny it because of my moral beliefs and orientation, which I can’t change. Every morning, day, evening I wait until we find a time to meet.

I don’t want to tell him about this, because I know that I might hurt him, knowing that he is already hurt. I cannot simply throw it to him and tell him that I have feeling for him, because I know myself, that I will not be able to change my lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong please, I don’t use him, I swear I don’t. I just feel so protected and taken care of around him. I miss him every second; I miss his laugh, his smile, everything about him, when he is far away. And again I’m younger than he is, but still I don’t care.

I have some feelings for him deep inside my heart, but I try so hard to deny them. I’m scared, I really am. Please help me guys. Please.

[JennaC]

Hi there. First things first: NO judgement from me at all! :)

Despite what you think, your story is really not that weird. I, personally, had emotionally negligent parents who did NOT understand how to raise children. I've realized that in my adult life I end up making friends with older women (I'm 25) and they end up acting as sort of mentor figures to me. They understand, and I'm aware of it, and it's cool since I don't NEED anything from them. I just live from their example; we're simply friends, but since they're older, they have life experiences that I can learn from.

There's a distinct possibility that you aren't in love with this man, but that you're thinking it could be intimate love because that's all you're familiar with (due to your emotionally absent relatives). You could be mistaking it for sexual attraction when in reality you are just REALLY excited that you have found someone to serve as a father figure, BFF, whatever; this in turn could be why you're feeling confused. You have a connection with someone that's truly fulfilling for you - AWESOME! I really mean that.

Now that you have this piece from me, what I'm wondering is - why are you so set on insisting that you AREN'T gay? Have you ever found yourself wanting to experiment? Is it because of your religious affiliation? I can understand that's extremely conflicting (I was raised conservatively) for your beliefs. I'm not saying you are - but if you ARE gay, then so be it. If you are, you can't change it. You can't "pray away the gay" or any other nonsense like that. I'd recommend going to a therapist that cuts god out of the equation. I'm not knocking this person's degrees or experiences, but I've heard too many horror stories of people (especially youth that are questioning their sexuality) going to religiously-affiliated therapists and ending up worse off than they were before.

There's nothing wrong with you, I think you're just feeling very conflicted because you've found somebody you have a real connection with. Don't rush anything and try to get other outside opinions. I hope this helps, best of luck.

[talaniman]

Relax guy and be grateful for the gift of friendship you have and cherish it. No need to complicate things with guilt or confusion,or getting carried away by your own feelings.

We all need a friend, whether we are gay straight or bi, or whether they are gay straight or bi. You have one, so respect them, and enjoy having them in your life.

[hernandoramirez]

Thank you guys for your kind words and opinions, I keep thinking about this situation and honestly I am scared. I don't know why, but I am. I have a very strong personality, I can take every challenge even if its going to hurt me, but this guy is very week and if I hurt him, that will break his heart completely. That is why I want to keep a distance and have this border between us. If I tell him about my feelings, I will basically give him a hope, but as you read from my story I can't change my orientation. You think I should just keep it myself until I figure out what that really is?