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lovehurts521 · Sep 14, 2012, 02:19 AM

I believe that I love two men and I don't know what to do!! Here's the situation: so I've been dating my current boyfriend for two years now and I really do love him, but we've been living together for the past year and I feel like ever since we moved in things have changed... we argue all the time over money, cleaning, and everything under the sun.
I have an ex who I kind of dated (not exclusively) like four years ago, but he enlisted in the military and got stationed away from home... he left on good terms though and we remained friends throughout the past four years. About seven months ago he finally came home and we started talking alot/hanging out like every day and he treats me like gold... I started to fall for him... not to mention right around that time I was really on the rocks with my current boyfriend..
We both expressed to each other that we still had feeling for each other... and we've been talking ever since... he knows I have a boyfriend and he actually has a girlfriend... we are both in the same boat BC we both love each other but we also both have somebody else whom we love... I don't know what to do... I don't want to leave my boyfriend for him and then he ends up not leaving his girlfriend or something. I don't even know if I want to leave my current boyfriend, we talk about marriage all the time and want to get married in the near future. I love him still very much although sometimes I feel like the spark is gone... and that scares me because its only been two years... is that normal? On the flip side there is definitely a spark between me and my ex.. and its continuing to grow. I know its so wrong it kills me inside because I know my boyfriend loves me so much and has been loyal to me... I've tried to forget about my ex but I can't... we've had many talks with each other about what we should do but neither of us can forget about the other... we both end up coming back to each other even though we know its wrong

sky02 · Sep 14, 2012, 06:20 AM

You must make a choice for your emotions now , or it will hurt both of them , listen to your own heart, to face up with this matter calmly .

JudyKayTee · Sep 14, 2012, 07:51 AM

Originally Posted by lovehurts521

I believe that I love two men and I don't know what to do!!!! Here's the situation: so I've been dating my current boyfriend for two years now and I really do love him, but we've been living together for the past year and I feel like ever since we moved in things have changed... we argue all the time over money, cleaning, and everything under the sun.
I have an ex who I kinda dated (not exclusively) like four years ago, but he enlisted in the military and got stationed away from home ... he left on good terms tho and we remained friends throughout the past four years. About seven months ago he finally came home and we started talking alot/hanging out like every day and he treats me like gold... I started to fall for him.... not to mention right around that time I was really on the rocks with my current bf..
we both expressed to each other that we still had feeling for each other.... and we've been talking ever since.... he knows I have a bf and he actually has a gf.... we r both in the same boat BC we both love each other but we also both have somebody else whom we love... idk wat to do... I don't want to leave my bf for him and then he ends up not leaving his gf or something. I dont even kno if i want to leave my current bf, we talk about marriage all the time and want to get married in the near future. I love him still very much altho sometimes i feel like the spark is gone... and that scares me bc its only been two years...is that normal? On the flip side there is definately a spark between me and my ex.. and its continuing to grow. I kno its so wrong it kills me inside bc i kno my bf loves me so much and has been loyal to me...I've tried to forget about my ex but I can't... we've had many talks with each other about what we should do but neither of us can forget about the other.... we both end up coming back to each other even tho we kno its wrong

Let's see - you have a boyfriend you are living with.

You have another "boyfriend" on the side who also has a girlfriend he is living with.

You both "know it's wrong" to continue your side relationship.

Your boyfriend is totally loyal to you.

I am presuming his girlfriend is totally loyal to him.

I think you should drop the live-in, he should drop the live-in, and you should get together.

You deserve each other.

Cat1864 · Sep 14, 2012, 09:24 AM

You seem to be caught up in the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' fantasy.

The ex is fantasy. Pure and simple. He passion and good times. He is fun and excitement. He isn't bills, dirty dishes, laundry and compromising. He is the neighbor's perfect lawn that you aren't the one doing the work to maintain.

Your current boyfriend is reality. He is the one who is there every day and is trying to build a life with you. He is one who is out there with the watering can and pruning shears trying to keep the delicate flowers and grass alive. How much energy are you putting into maintaining your own lawn and garden or are you trying to get out of doing your part of the chores?

Of course your relationship with your boyfriend changed after you moved in together. You were suddenly having to work together and compromise on decisions instead of doing everything your own ways. Helping someone carry a couch is very different from carrying a box on your own.

If the spark is gone it is because the two of you got more involved in doing things your way and didn't listen to each other or put energy into keeping the spark alive. Even an eternal flame takes work to keep it burning. An eternal flame will go out if the gas line is cut or a strong enough wind or rain hits it.

Tell your 'friend' goodbye and good luck with his relationship. Then ask your boyfriend to look into Couple's Classes with you. Many places have classes that teach individuals how to communicate and compromise as a couple. Some places give a discount on marriage licenses for couples who complete one of these classes.

If you can't communicate, compromise and work with your boyfriend, then get out of the relationship. But don't use another person as the reason. Do so because it is best for you. Jumping from one relationship into another doesn't give you time to let the past go and figure out what you really want. In other words, let go of the baggage. Your future partner does not deserve to burdened with the baggage you got from your other relationships. If you don't get rid of it, then you will be trying to make the next person carry it for you or you will be tripping all over it.

What ever you decide to do, think it through and try not to create a cycle of getting in a relationship, not being happy, finding someone new and jumping.

josiepuppy123 · Sep 16, 2012, 06:20 AM

U and your ex sound kind of like your bffs and maybe a little more but you should stay with your current boyfriend I learned that the hard way I ha the same problem as you and my friend told me to pick my ex over my boyfriend and I didn't work out well

lovehurts521 · Sep 18, 2012, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by josiepuppy123

u and ur ex sound kinda like ur bffs and maybe a little more but u should stay with ur current bf i learned that the hard way i ha the same problem as u and my friend told me to pick my ex over my bf and i didnt work out well

Yea we are really close... he prob knows more about me than my current boyfriend. Everyone is telling me to just stay away from my ex... it's just so hard because we do have really strong feelings for each other and on the flip side it feels like I'm drifting away from my boyfriend... so it kind of feels so right but it feels so wrong at the same time:/

lovehurts521 · Sep 18, 2012, 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You seem to be caught up in the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' fantasy.

The ex is fantasy. Pure and simple. He passion and good times. He is fun and excitement. He isn't bills, dirty dishes, laundry and compromising. He is the neighbor's perfect lawn that you aren't the one doing the work to maintain.

Your current boyfriend is reality. He is the one who is there every day and is trying to build a life with you. He is one who is out there with the watering can and pruning shears trying to keep the delicate flowers and grass alive. How much energy are you putting into maintaining your own lawn and garden or are you trying to get out of doing your part of the chores?

Of course your relationship with your boyfriend changed after you moved in together. You were suddenly having to work together and compromise on decisions instead of doing everything your own ways. Helping someone carry a couch is very different from carrying a box on your own.

If the spark is gone it is because the two of you got more involved in doing things your way and didn't listen to each other or put energy into keeping the spark alive. Even an eternal flame takes work to keep it burning. An eternal flame will go out if the gas line is cut or a strong enough wind or rain hits it.

Tell your 'friend' goodbye and good luck with his relationship. Then ask your boyfriend to look into Couple's Classes with you. Many places have classes that teach individuals how to communicate and compromise as a couple. Some places give a discount on marriage licenses for couples who complete one of these classes.

If you can't communicate, compromise and work with your boyfriend, then get out of the relationship. But don't use another person as the reason. Do so because it is best for you. Jumping from one relationship into another doesn't give you time to let the past go and figure out what you really want. In other words, let go of the baggage. Your future partner does not deserve to burdened with the baggage you got from your other relationships. If you don't get rid of it, then you will be trying to make the next person carry it for you or you will be tripping all over it.

What ever you decide to do, think it through and try not to create a cycle of getting in a relationship, not being happy, finding someone new and jumping.

Thank you for this advise.. in the back of my mind I knew this is what needs to be done, and its reassuring to hear it from someone else who clearly knows what they are talking about.
Its just hard BC I do care about my ex so much... but sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same:/

JudyKayTee · Sep 18, 2012, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by lovehurts521

Thank you for this advise.. in the back of my mind I knew this is what needs to be done, and its reassuring to hear it from someone else who clearly knows what they are talking about.
Its just hard BC I do care about my ex so much... but sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same:/

Then I have a question - why would you cheat on someone you "love"?

lovehurts521 · Sep 18, 2012, 04:33 PM

[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3274066]Then I have a question - why would you cheat on someone you "love"?[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I ask myself that question all the time... I don't know if its because I've fallen out of love with my boyfriend.. I know I love him, but I don't know anymore if I'm in love

JudyKayTee · Sep 18, 2012, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by lovehurts521

[QUOTE=JudyKayTee;3274066]Then I have a question - why would you cheat on someone you "love"?

Honestly, I ask myself that question all the time... I don't know if its because I've fallen out of love with my boyfriend.. I know I love him, but I don't know anymore if I'm in love[/QUOTE]

I understand a relationship running its course - I was asking about the cheating part.

Why not end one relationship before resuming another?

lovehurts521 · Sep 18, 2012, 05:33 PM

BC I'm afraid to end it... there's so many questions running through my head. What if me and my ex didn't work out? And What if I don't find someone who treats me like my boyfriend does? Who loves me as much as he does? Who is faithful to me? Wat if I break up and realize that I've lost something good and want him back? But what if he doesn't take me back? I've already invested so much time and money into this relationship it would be easier to stick it out. What if I can't find someone whom my family accepts?
Then on the other hand... I'm not completely happy. Can I find someone who makes me happier? Right now my ex makes me very happy, but that's not a for sure thing BC... he has a girlfriend

JudyKayTee · Sep 18, 2012, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by lovehurts521

BC I'm afraid to end it.... there's so many questions running through my head. What if me and my ex dint work out? And What if I don't find someone who treats me like my bf does? Who loves me as much as he does? Who is faithful to me? Wat if I break up and realize that I've lost something good and want him back? But what if he doesn't take me back? I've already invested so much time and money into this relationship it would be easier to stick it out. What if I can't find someone whom my family accepts?
Then on the other hand.... I'm not completely happy. Can I find someone who makes me happier? Right now my ex makes me very happy, but that's not a for sure thing BC.... he has a gf

Wow - you express your feelings very well.

At least now I understand. I have no answers, but I do understand.

lovehurts521 · Sep 18, 2012, 06:05 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Wow - you express your feelings very well.

At least now I understand. I have no answers, but I do understand.

Well thank u for listening at least, and for understanding. Honestly I really do feel terrible for cheating, it eats me up inside.. and I don't know what to do about it... which is why I initially posted this