[My life is]

Hi,

Thought I'd try something different and get the opinions of other people outside of my family and friends for a change.

Last year I broke up with my girlfriend, we had been together for almost 5 years. I fell in love with her at school and she was always the only girl I ever had eyes for, truly beautiful and such a wonderful personality. One thing led to another and for various reasons I broke up with her.I felt the relationship was missing a lot.

I girl I worked with, was in the picture around the same time I broke up with my ex. She was fantastic at helping me pick myself up and trying to make me carry on and enjoy life. I fell in love with her and some months later she proposed to me. To cut a long story short... She became ill and stop working. I began struggling financially in supporting us. In October last year unexpectidly, she fell pregnant. In February this year we got married and in April at only weeks before her due date our daughter died.

Its been a crazy past year for me... a blur almost. I lost a daughter who I was so very much looking forward to holding.. watching her grow up etc. She was so beaufitul when I got to hold her. Im now in an unhappy marriage and £24,000 in debt. My wife still doesn't work much and we are always fighting... I'm not happy anymore and I just feel like I can't carry the both of us for much longer.

I've began thinking about my ex again, I look at pictures of her and still find her so beautiful and would love to speak to her and hear her voice. But I know its not the done thing... I know its not right. But I can't help thinking about her and about what she's doing now. The more I think about her the more attracted I become to her again... I don't know what to do anymore.

Im in a marriage that has become the heaviest weight I've ever had to carry on my shoulders, I've lsot a beautiful daughter and financially I'm always stressed. It seems the thoughts of my ex bring a smile to my face... or perhaps its just the thought of being out of this marriage and being single again with less stress and pain.

I know I might sounds ridiculous to some of you and that Im being stupid but I honestly don't know what to do. My wife loves me so much but I feel likeI don't even know my purpose in life anymore and that things won't get better for years and years to come. The craziest thing... I care for my wife... I care for her health and her safety, I care for her emotional state... I do so much for her... but if you ask m, "do you love ur wife?"... I honestly couldn't even answer Yes or No.

Any advise from anyone would be amazing...

[joypulv]

'she was always the only girl I ever had eyes for, truly beautiful and such a wonderful personality. One thing led to another and for various reasons I broke up with her.I felt the relationship was missing a lot. '

What in the world does that mean? I'm sorry you have this burden of an ill wife, a lost baby, and an expensive marriage, but with that gloss on the past, we have no clue why you broke up with the woman you are now mooning over again. I have a feeling you don't either, and are just dreaming about some idyllic relationship that never was idyllic at all.

[My life is]

And I guess that you are possibly right. I may well just be glossing over it all. I guess what I'm tryign to say is... I just don't know what to do anymore. Keep going and take each day as it comes or make a massive change in my life and try to make myself happier...

'she was always the only girl I ever had eyes for, truely beautiful and such a wonderful personality. One thing led to another and for various reasons I broke up with her.I felt the relationship was missing alot. '

What in the world does that mean? I'm sorry you have this burden of an ill wife, a lost baby, and and an expensive marriage, but with that gloss on the past, we have no clue why you broke up with the woman you are now mooning over again. I have a feeling you don't either, and are just dreaming about some idyllic relationship that never was idyllic at all.

[joypulv]

There are couples who get divorced purely for financial reasons, so that one spouse can get state benefits. You can look into that if both of you can handle the emotional part.

But you don't say whether your wife is still ill. And if you were looking forward to having the child, surely you were also expecting to support both wife and child, which would be even more expensive than what you are dealing with now.

So some of this sounds like poor planning and blaming others for some of your own mismanagement of money.

If your wife isn't ill and you won't feel guilty getting a divorce just because you don't love her any more and are tired of supporting her, then do so. If you are conflicted (not surprising when a woman loses a baby near to term), then get couple counseling. It's very common to blame each other and yourselves in a thousand little ways for the loss of the baby without even knowing it.

[My life is]

My wife falling pregnant was not planned so finanically it wasn't the best time but I would certainly have not let my child go without. I was looking forward to my daughters arrival and I miss her dearly.

Counselling doesn't seem to be something she is keen on at all. We fight a lot and sometimes I can see why we are fighting, so I try to suggest changes to make things better but she gets so frustrated with me doing that. I've sacrificed a lot over the past year for her and sometimes it gets thrown in my face regardless. Im only human and I am not saying for a second that non of this is any of my fault... I have made some stupid decisions in this apst year, but over all I've given so much and right now I just want a ligth at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for your time and for sharing your thoughts on the matter...

[Cat1864]

My wife falling pregnant was not planned so finanically it wasn't the best time but I would certainly have not let my child go without. I was looking forward to my daughters arrival and I miss her dearly.

Counselling doesnt seem to be something she is keen on at all. We fight a lot and sometimes I can see why we are fighting, so I try to suggest chanegs to make thigns better but she gets so frustrated with me doing that. I've sacrificed a lot over the past year for her and sometimes it gets thrown in my face regardless. Im only human and I am not saying for a second that non of this is any of my fault...I have made some stupid decisions in this apst year, but over all I've given so much and right now I just want a ligth at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for your time and for sharing your thoughts on the matter...

If I have the timing correct, your wife is probably still dealing not only with the loss of the baby but the effects of pregnancy. Expect her to be on edge not only because she is grieving but because her body is still dealing with the changing hormones. Becoming easily frustrated is a symptom of the internal issues and isn't completely under her control.

For both of you, I suggest grief counseling. You might even ask her doctor if there is a support group for parents who have lost their baby. You can also search on-line.

You want a light at the end of the tunnel. What if instead of looking for an outside source of light, you start looking inside. Light up your own tunnel. It may take counseling. It may take sitting down and looking at the positives in your life instead of the negatives. It will take changing your focus from looking back to looking forward. (After-all, you can't see a light in front of you if you are looking backward, can you?)

I think you know the past wasn't as great as you want to remember. If it was then your ex wouldn't be an ex.

Why did you marry your wife? Under all the baggage Life gave you over the past year, can you still find that spark?

If she won't go with you, go to counseling on your own. Let her know what you are doing and invite her to go with you. You both need support from outside the relationship so that you aren't feeding off each other's stress, anger, frustration, and other negative emotions. Spend time with friends and family. Do things you enjoy that help you feel more positive. Nothing will change over night so don't expect it to.

Don't rush into making any decisions. You have been through the emotional and mental equivalent of a tornado. Find a calm spot and start removing the debris. See what is damaged beyond repair and what is salvageable. Then decide if it is better for both of you to walk away or if there is enough left to rebuild.

Good luck.