Check out some similar questions!

EnglishRose · Mar 16, 2007, 08:27 AM

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year now and we have planned to get married next year. Everything in our relationship is perfect, exect one thing. He doesn't seem to have any enthusiasm when it comes to our sex life. He does nothing to try and satisfy me and never shows any passion. He he only seems interested in sex first thing in the morning when we don't really have time. He has been to the doctor about it and the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him and asked if he fancied me. He swears he does but no matter how hard I try to motivate him I always fail. I have tried everything. I know it isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is coming between us. Any suggestions?

Krs · Mar 16, 2007, 08:28 AM

Does he understand how deeply hurt you are by this?

EnglishRose · Mar 16, 2007, 08:39 AM

Yes, I think so. It has really upset me several times. Like this one time we went away to an amazing hotel for the weekend so I bought really nice underwear and some silly toys and things and he just went to sleep at 10pm. He's only 29 so its not his age.

Krs · Mar 16, 2007, 08:43 AM

Weird!
And how long has this been going on for?

Maybe its time you let him know again how this is making you feel.

robertsqueen · Mar 16, 2007, 08:43 AM

Hun, you need to communicate to him just how bad it is hurting. I hate to say it but if your sex life is a disaster than something else in your relationship is off keleter. I was having this problem with my husband and I just didn't show interest in sex, and soon enough he attacked me. That might be what you have to do... but try talking to him first. Good luck

talaniman · Mar 16, 2007, 08:55 AM

A couple that cannot solve its sex problems is in need of a lot of help with communication, talking and listening. If one or the other is unwilling to deal with this problem to the mutual benefit of both, then some sort of counseling is highly recommended to get to the root cause of the problem.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2007, 09:10 AM

Well - if he's been to the doctor... then, in my book this is a deal breaker.

He is a rude, selfish lover.
If he's not willing to listen and change then move on - this is a HUGE issue!! Huge!!

There are FOUR key essentiaqls to a great relationship. You must be compatible I nall four to make them last long term...

1. Spirituality - are you both on the same vibe... same likes... beliefs in religion... nature... the world... are you both joyous.

2. Sex -are you compatible - same ideas - same needs - please each other. Enjoy the same things.

3. Finances - do you both spend the same - same savings goals - both frugle or not. Need to be on the same page.

4. Sociability - are you both coach potatoes or can't sit still. This is really important... are you both social butterflys?. do you like to go out a lot or stay home.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2007, 09:11 AM

Bad uncompatible sex is a huge deal breaker. Huge.

This numnut doesn't understand romance, fourplay, commumications etc.

Deal breaker... why on earth put up with that?

EnglishRose · Mar 16, 2007, 09:47 AM

See all those other catogories are perfect. We totally wants the same things. He admits we have a problem but he doesn't seem to want to do anything. I have asked him if there is anything I can do but he doesn't really give me real answers. He will say things like he's disracted by mess in the house or he's tired. To be honest he has always been like this. At first I just pestered him and put up with the lack of foreplay but now its really getting to me so I get annoyed then he says I'm putting too much pressure on. We talked about councilling but if he cantr talk to me about it then how is he going to talk to a stranger? Also we are really hard up for cash over the next two months because he has taken a pay drop to further his career so I'm not even sure we could afford counciling

kaitou · Mar 16, 2007, 09:57 AM

If it has been a problem since the beginning, he might have sexual desire disorder or some other sexual dysfunction. It is a type of psychological disorder in the DSM.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2007, 10:15 AM

No he's a selfish lover.

Me - I aim to please - pleae my lover. It's important. Fourplay is so dam important.

This guy needs to grow up.

Ash123 · Mar 16, 2007, 10:28 AM

Well, you can't very well marry someone you cannot be intimate with.

So, if he is "fine"... it's time to test how fine.

Things to consider:

1) remove all pressure. If he has performance anxiety that will kill him.

2) if it's not #1, he may be too comfortable. If so, I'd get BUSIER. (friends, outtings, weekends with and WITHOUT him) you see... he's got you. A lot of times men get "back to the cave syndrome". (see also thousands of years of evolutionary wiring)...he SLAYED you and dragged you home.
HE HAS YOU.... and his conquest instincts fade. he's got other things on his "to do" list.

3) There's someone else (I doubt this, but giving you all options)

4) do you "pleasure" yourself? Do you talk about it? What do you fantasize about?
What does HE fantasize about? Share this together and learn.

5) you may be with a low-drive guy. For you, that would be a deal killer.
For some, it wouldn't... be TRUE to yourself...

The FUTURE is where you are headed. So, get used to it.

EnglishRose · Mar 16, 2007, 10:42 AM

1)I tried this and we just didn't have sex at all.
2)I tried this and he used how busy we were as an excuse
3)I honestly don't think this although before he met me he went out with the kind of girls who could be models who were stick thin and had boob jobs are were'nt that smart which is the opposite of me. I did worry this was the problem but he swears it isn't and to be honest he isn't physically what I usually go for but it doesn't bother me because I find other things about him attractive.
4)I tried this. God I sunk to new lows trying this one! I have got so frustrated I have really filty dreams so I tried telling him about them. He just responded as though I had just read him my shopping list!
5)He says it isn't that he has a low drive because I suggested that but if I was willing to have bad sex we would do it every morning, but I would get nothing from it. So he wants to do it, he just doesn't want to change.
I have tried ultimatums but at the end of the day I can't bring myself to leave for something that I would call him all the names under the sun if he left me over!

kp2171 · Mar 16, 2007, 10:52 AM

Well... you know what you are going to get if you marry him.

Sexual intimacy and compatibility is something that, in my opinion, needs to be at least a close match to begin with. It doesn't get any easier after you are married and after you have kids. You need to do the WORK and take the TIME to stay connected.

My wife and I struggle to find the time. We make some time, but it's a lot harder with kids running around. If we didn't deliberately TRY to connect intimately, it just wouldn't happen.

I know you think that its awful to leave someone because of extreme differences in sex drive... but if you stay you need to be comfortable knowing what you are getting into. It isn't fair to him to marry him and then use this as a source of tension. You know it from go. He isn't giving and you aren't getting.

So... are you comfortable being married to a "roommate" instead of a lover? That's your call.

Id think twice. No matter how good he is, if your sexual needs are even close to being met you are going to spend years and years repressing and resenting and questioning yourself. You don't need to both have exactly the same desires and drives, but you need to remotely be on the same planet.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2007, 11:25 AM

Also we are really hard up for cash over the next two months because he has taken a pay drop to further his career so I'm not even sure we could afford counciling

If he is distracted worrying about his career, is there something you could do to relieve that pressure?

Money is one of the biggest causes for divorce as financial stability take a lot of attention and is so frustrating.
For example, Finances are tight and you need an outfit for church, CONFLICT
His job slows down and you have a doctor visit, CONFLICT
The bills are due and the car breaks down, CONFLICT
Another way of looking at conflict is STRESS.

That's why communication is so important as conflict and the stress that follows can actually make a man impotent. So if he is a sexually low man to start... uh oh!! More stress. Don't know if it's the problem but a good place to look for answers as providing for a family is stressful. Do you have kids ? Are you planning any?

Ash123 · Mar 16, 2007, 12:25 PM

If you are truly unhappy, take some time off.

Don't make it dramatic. And don't make it about sex.

Just say that you feel you all are at a critical juncture and a little time off might be good for you all to evaluate the relationship. I'm almost 100% sure you will see his cards finally:

1) he will fight for you right away
2) he will fight for you after a month or two
3) he will not fight (and then you don't want his soft noodle D then anyway :-)

Tough love is sometimes the best love! I think it will energize U because it gives you a CHOICE.

Depression comes from a lack of power and a feeling of futility. You are NOT married, so enjoy!

Relationships are a compromise - not a sacrifice.

Wildcat21 · Mar 16, 2007, 12:27 PM

The socialability part is also communicating. Communication involves listening and picking up ques. He doesn't sound like he listens.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 16, 2007, 01:09 PM

One never really figures out how important sex is until its not happening. Frankly, I would be concerned about any aspect of a relationship going as neglected as this one is. A partner's unhappiness or dissatisfation should be something of a concern to the other, whether it be about finances, sex or what's for dinner. Some people rig it so that if they know you won't walk about it, then its deemed as just not that important. But we think that makes for a lot of trauma just to get some ordinary stuff straightened out. How does he justify leaving you so unsatisfied -- if you don't mind explaining?

go-ask-mom · Mar 16, 2007, 02:10 PM

Get a stripper pole put in the bedroom and dance for him... If this does nothing... then its time to go! :D j/j

go-ask-mom · Mar 16, 2007, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by EnglishRose

Yes, I think so. It has really upset me several times. Like this one time we went away to an amazing hotel for the weekend so I bought really nice underwear and some silly toys and things and he just went to sleep at 10pm. He's only 29 so its not his age.

Could he be gay? I mean seriously, that post just shocks the hell out of me!! :eek: