[userdime]

Well me and my wife have moved out into our own house now for about two years! We pay our own rent and take care of our two kids by ourselves and everything! But I have never liked my wife's mom ever. She is about 57 and she acts like she is 18 sometimes because she is always in our business. My wife is 31 and I am 32 and she acts like we are still 18 or something.

She calls my wife 100 times a day and if she does not pick up the phone, she calls mine, mad because her daughter won't pick the phone. When she comes over to our home, she walks around like she can do whatever she wants. My 4 year old daughter acts up the most when she comes and thinks she does not have to listen but can do whatever her grandma says.

I tried to have a talk with my wife about her mom but she say "Babe, it's my mom!" So the last thing for me was she calls my phone the other day acting all nice like she really wants to say hi but it was about her daughter not picking up her phone again. She just wants to tell my wife all her problems about how she can't fix her own kids that she has and how bad they are, but she can come over and run mine.

If I call my wife's mom and tell her how I feel, would it be wrong?

[Wondergirl]

Welcome to the site and to the mother-in-law club!

I know how you feel. I would invite my in-laws over for dinner and they would come two hours early so she could push me into the living room and take over the kitchen because she didn't believe I would cook enough food. I refused to play that game, so she got sneaky. The next time I invited them for dinner, she stopped at KFC to load up on chicken and sides "in case there wasn't enough to eat."

I tried to get my husband to stand up to her, but she had ruled her household and family for too many years and had crushed everyone's spirit. Family members would back off saying, "Isn't she cute...she always gets her way, so just let her have it." When she started sneaking cookies to my kids right before dinner, I had had it and decided to set boundaries.

That seems to be what you are going to have to do too, and all by yourself, since it doesn't sound like your wife is going to be very helpful in this effort. Without telling your mother-in-law off, are there things you can do that would be setting firm boundaries, like telling her you won't answer your phone if you see her ID on the screen because you already know why she's calling?

[userdime]

HA HA that's crazy!How does she take it by setting firm boundaries?Should I tell her of the firm boundaries?

[Wondergirl]

Just set them. Don't tell her what you are doing. And she will knock herself out trying to jump over the boundaries, so you will probably have to be on guard and readjust from time to time.

Just state the limit(s) firmly and very simply. No apologies, no excuses, no explanations. And be sure to follow through -- don't cave in. If you tell her you won't answer your phone when her ID comes up, don't answer it.

[Wondergirl]

My father-in-law was recovering from heart surgery and was at home for 6-8 weeks. I mailed him half a dozen PG-rated jokes twice a week to give him a chuckle and something to look forward to. We'd visit him and my mil would always slip money into my pocket "to pay for the stamps and the jokes." I told her to stop. She refused and just giggled. She hates cats, so I told her that all the money she has been giving me (and will give me) has been going to the local cat shelter. She stopped. (And the cat shelter wished I would have kept my mouth shut.)

[Cat1864]

For the most part I agree with Wondergirl, but I think you need to sit down with your and have a serious discussion about the effect your mother-in-law is having on your children. She may not stand up to her mother for herself or you, but she may re-think how serious the situation is getting if it is negatively affecting your children. The child's behavior will only get worse.

If it helps, I am in the mother-in-law club, too. In my case, my husband gives me support. He actually warned me about his mother before he introduced us. I didn't believe him, but I learned.

[joypulv]

One reason I married my husband (now ex) was how good a buffer he was between me and my mother. I didn't defend her behavior at all. He was a master of both standing up to her and putting up with her. That I think is key, because I resented everything she did, while he was able to wait for the really important ones.
I would make a list (I say this all the time for big overwhelming problems). Try not to go over 10 complaints, and sort them by importance, and keep them to yourself. Mull them over, plan what you will do, and as Wondergirl did, think of some really clever ones. Give your wife some clue of what you are doing and why it's vitally important to your marriage.

[userdime]

Update I tried call my wife mom to tell her how she sounded when she calls me after her daughter answer her phone call and she got mad lol.She went back to my wife and said I just tried to yell at and that's all I did.Now she tells her daughter that she won't come to her daughters house no more to see our grandkids.

[joypulv]

Let's see how long that lasts.
(I'm not so sure the whole bunch of complaints over the phone was really the way to go, but if you are happy with the results, fine. As long as your wife doesn't make your life difficult about it.)

[userdime]

Yeah my wife is mad!But maybe you are right!!