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stargirl2712 · Sep 6, 2012, 01:19 PM

Hey so my ex and I broke up 9 months ago, and we were sort of "dating" for five months immediately after breakup. I decided to end things and go NC during the summer because he started getting close to another girl. He claims they are just friends and he doesn't believe that a relationship between them will work out, but I don't believe him. I was hurting too much, so I went NC for my own sanity. I come back go school with a whole new attitude. I don't feel any urge to talk to him whatsoever. I've already talked to him but HE has initiated most of the encounters.

Anyhoo, there is a party tonight for people in the asian student association, and I really want to go because I feel single, and I just want to meet guys, etc. I'm nervous that I will catch my ex dancing with this girl or being close/cuddly. My ex is very popular in the asian community and a lot of under/upper classmen love him. I'm popular in my own way, but he's just a social butterfly. I fear other people will see him with the girl and just talk and compare and think that new girl is better than me. Idk why I think this... I just do!

I already faced my fear of seeing those two encounter once at this asian student bbq, and I didn't run away! I don't what to do and how to approach this. Should I go? I mean, I do have to study a lot. I would only be going to face my fear but I wonder if the hurt is even worth it...

backpack2389 · Sep 6, 2012, 04:11 PM

If you decide not to go because you have entirely too much studying to do that's one thing. However, if you're avoiding the party just because you're afraid you'll see your ex and this other girl, then my advice is don't be a coward. You've already seen them together and survived (you actually seem rather proud that you didn't run the first time). So don't be afraid this time either. If your ex and this new girl have a relationship and you share the same social circles, you'll be seeing a lot of them. You can't avoid every party that they attend or you'll be stuck spending all of your time alone. Go, even if for a little bit, and enjoy yourself. No one ever conquered their fears by running away.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 7, 2012, 05:31 AM

If you don't feel like you could handle seeing them mingle, whether it be dancing, cuddling or kissing then I don't think going would be a good idea. If you can handle it, then you should absolutely go, even if you distance yourself a bit.

stargirl2712 · Sep 7, 2012, 08:28 AM

So I actually ended up going to face my fears! I saw him and the girl separately... idk if they every mingled, and surprisingly, I didn't feel that nervous! I just feel like life is so short so I should just have fun. Plus, I have two more years left at college anyway. I was so surprised because he actually drank and was very tipsy. He's super religious and said he would never drink until he was 21 but that's his problem. I drank a little too but not as much as him. I danced with guys, etc. One point a guy was kind of making me uncomfortable, and my ex actually came and pulled me away from the guy. He was saying "she's mine, she's mine" while doing it too. I thanked him for that, and he just stroked my cheek.

It was just really really weird. I felt he wasn't like himself. I don't what to do now but just proceed with my life? We're at completely different points in our lives.. however, I can't seem to want to let him go completely. I don't know what to do.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 7, 2012, 08:50 AM

Originally Posted by stargirl2712

So i actually ended up going to face my fears! I saw him and the girl separately...idk if they every mingled, and surprisingly, I didn't feel that nervous! I just feel like life is so short so I should just have fun. Plus, I have two more years left at college anyways. I was so surprised because he actually drank and was very tipsy. He's super religious and said he would never drink until he was 21 but that's his problem. I drank a little too but not as much as him. I danced with guys, etc. One point a guy was kinda making me uncomfortable, and my ex actually came and pulled me away from the guy. He was saying "she's mine, she's mine" while doing it too. I thanked him for that, and he just stroked my cheek.

It was just really really weird. I felt he wasn't like himself. I don't what to do now but just proceed with my life? We're at completely different points in our lives..however, I can't seem to want to let him go completely. I don't know what to do.

He was "tipsy" so don't think anything of it. He's probably in the same boat as you, he isn't completely over you.

It didn't work out the first time, so I doubt it will be any different a second. Just try and move on. If going to these parties will provoke situations such as this, it might be best to reconsider next time. That is until you are entirely over him.

stargirl2712 · Sep 7, 2012, 09:15 AM

I don't think he's over me either. He's kind of stuck in between wanting to meet girls but still thinking of me--atleast, I'm feeling that way with guys. We made eye contact SO much in the bar last night.

Now, I just don't know how to act around him. I want to be friends but I NEED my space. I guess just stop thinking too much of it and live my life? These type of situations really make me sad after because I feel he is judging me, etc. Maybe I should not go for a while until my head really clears.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 7, 2012, 09:49 AM

Originally Posted by stargirl2712

I don't think he's over me either. He's kinda stuck in between wanting to meet girls but still thinking of me--atleast, I'm feeling that way with guys. We made eye contact SO much in the bar last night.

Now, I just don't know how to act around him. I want to be friends but I NEED my space. I guess just stop thinking too much of it and live my life? These type of situations really make me sad after because I feel he is judging me, etc. Maybe I should not go for a while until my head really clears.

No, don't stay friends with him. As much as you'd like to have him around it's not a good idea. Seeing him all the time, talking and communicating with him will just make moving on all the harder. The same goes for him, the more he sees, talks to and communicates with you the harder it will be for him to move on as well.

For now surround yourself with friends, meet new people and try new things then let time to the rest.

stargirl2712 · Sep 7, 2012, 10:26 AM

Yes I suppose that is the best plan. I'm just going to focus on my school from now on. I just wonder what he's thinking... I didn't see him dancing with any girl or anything.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 7, 2012, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by stargirl2712

yes I suppose that is the best plan. I'm just going to focus on my school from now on. I just wonder what he's thinking...I didn't see him dancing with any girl or anything.

It's hard to say what he was thinking, that's for him to know and us to never find out. Continue with your life, focus on school and your future and Mr. Right will show up along the way.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 7, 2012, 10:36 AM

You are obviously still stuck on him and you both having drunk too much did not help anything.
I think you need to stay away from him. He has a girl friend so it does not matter what you think he feels.
Move on with your life.

stargirl2712 · Sep 7, 2012, 10:54 AM

He does not have a girlfriend. I'm merely jumping to conclusions when I see him talking to one girl he became close with recently. I guess I do need to stay away. I know I'm not a bad person. I just somehow feel really guilty for what I did last night.

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 7, 2012, 10:55 AM

Originally Posted by stargirl2712

he does not have a girlfriend. I'm merely jumping to conclusions when I see him talking to one girl he became close with recently. I guess I do need to stay away. I know I'm not a bad person. I just somehow feel really guilty for what I did last night.

Just ignore it and move on.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 7, 2012, 11:15 AM

No one has said you're a bad person. You need to stay away from him. You are not over him.
Don't worry about what he may or may not be feeling, you allow yourself to heal

stargirl2712 · Sep 9, 2012, 02:12 PM

I suppose I am really stuck on him but why does it hurt so much when you find out that your ex has feelings for someone else? A friend of mine told me that at that party (while tipsy) he confessed that he had feelings for that other girl. However, the same night, when I was flirting with a guy and the guy was being very touchy feely, my ex saw that and came to my rescue and pushed the guy away saying "she's mine, she's mine." I was glad that he came to my rescue but still does that mean anything? My friend also told me that he is scouting for a relationship. Currently, I'm just trying to focus on school, but that's not his concern. I have no clue how to process all this information emotionally or what course of action to take.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2012, 03:02 PM

You proceed with your own life and take these encounters as no big deal, because they are not. Just because you have memories and stirred up feelings is no reason to get carried away by them or dwell to long over it.

It's a process of learning to deal with yourself, your feelings, and thoughts.

stargirl2712 · Sep 9, 2012, 06:04 PM

I suppose they are not a big deal in MY life. I have so many goals to focus on that I don't have time to deal with his bull. He is choosing to settle academically, while I want to explore other options for going to better medical schools (we are both in a medical program). I don't want to be in a relationship right now because I just want to focus on my goals.

However, I don't know how to deal with losing him as a friend. This is why I awkwardly talk to him at every mutual friend encounter. I don't even know what to say half the time--I end up showcasing all my goals/ambitions to him. I even sometimes mention how I talked to other guys this summer, etc. I guess I'm secretly trying to make him jealous.

I understand what you mean by dealing with my own emotions. I am hurting right now and want to cry but I somehow just keep studying because my goal is to succeed in school. I'm also really scared of what other people might think and how they pass rumors like what I mentioned before. I'm not a bad person nor do I hate that girl anymore. I honestly hope my ex is happy with her because maybe it's meant for them to be together.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 9, 2012, 07:06 PM

Then stop with this need to talk to him and worrying about what his motives and thoughts are.
Live your life. There is no reason for you to be talking to him. Stay away from him as much as possible until he is out of your system.

stargirl2712 · Sep 9, 2012, 08:05 PM

I just hope everything will be okay. Does anybody have any inspiring break-up stories that helped them become a strong, happy person?

C0bra_M3nace · Sep 10, 2012, 04:32 AM

Why become inspired by other peoples stories when you have one to be written right now. Breakups can be easy, sure it's easier said than done but in the end it's only as hard as you let it be. You need to stop contacting and seeing him, surround yourself with friends, try some new things and let time go to work. Eventually everything will get better, and you will let go.