[santhalus]

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 2 years now. I am an Asian foreigner that studied in Singapore and that's where I met my Swedish boyfriend, and I got pregnant by accident. Right now, he left Sweden to be with me and the baby here in the Philippines, living with me under my father’s house. He has no job and he might work under my dad within this month for his resort. My dad recently told me that it’s wrong for me and my boyfriend to live with each other unmarried, he has until January to think about the engagement until he goes back to Sweden to work or maybe finish his MBA.

We just started readjusting our lives because of the newborn (he’s now 2 months) and now we need to already think about engagement and marriage. Even before I got pregnant my boyfriend wasn’t sure what he wanted in life, there was no direction and he didn’t know what he wanted and told me he didn’t love me enough from my pregnancy until I have birth, we almost broke up twice because he loves me but not enough. But he always wanted to work things out because he does love me and the baby. Because he has a good heart and he’s nice, he wants what’s best for the baby but because of readjusting with our lives plus my dad pressuring us to get engaged, we’ve been pretty stressed and its making us resent each other and become unhappy. He’s been resenting me because he doesn’t love me enough and isn’t sure if he can take it to the next level with me but is willing to get engaged just because of our child maybe we could be happier living together.

On the other hand I don’t want to get engaged with someone who doesn’t love me enough. If we break up, he wants to have visiting rights but we will still love each other which make things more complicated. If we stay together and get engaged, it will be because of the wrong reasons. And if we stay together, my family will think he’s not being a real dad and isn’t responsible just because he can leave manila as he pleases and my dad won't welcome him to live with me anymore when he visits manila.

If we stay together we would want to finish our studies first then eventually live in together. But that can also mean that we may break up if we live in together and were not married. What’s the best solution for our family?

[Irving66]

I also experienced a relationship where completely oppositional cultural backgrounds collided and I had to choose either to marry the girl in question or let her go. My biggest problem as a western guy was that I wasn't ready to make a commitment that went further than claiming my love for her and dreaming of a life together. There was much less at stake for me than there was for her. It didn't help that her family dictated that I would make certain steps towards her and therefore they meddled with everything in our relationship. It created a rift between us and destroyed everything that was spontaneous and innocent. At a certain point I had to end it because it wouldn't be in my best interest anymore to marry her in that fragile state our relationship was in.

But I never got her pregnant...

I can't imagine how difficult it must be when there are children involved, especially from your point of view. I think your dad needs to back off in this and accept that you two are dealing with different cultural values. The thing is that your boyfriend can fly away and leave you and your baby alone all together. I don't know how your status will be as a single mum, but I don't think that this is beneficial for you (nor for your dad, for that matter). Things aren't going to be easier when you emphasize on the things that are difficult to begin with when there's not going to be a clear-cut solution anyway.

The best thing I can come up with is talk intensively with your dad and try to soften him up on your boyfriend. Make him see that when he takes such a drastic stance it might work against you and come back as a boomerang. Exactly as you say yourself, the more pressure there is to get into this engagement/marriage the likelier it will be that it will break at a later stage.

[santhalus]

1. We are together for 2 years and 3 months and we just had a son that was not planned (he’s 3 months now) and both of us love our son so very much and really want to be a family
2. I'm Asian and my boyfriend is European, he is now living with me in my parents’ house although my father doesn't want us living together unless we are married (and I have to respect that because currently my family is the one supporting us/my son)
3. He doesn't love me enough to get married
4. I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn't want to commit to me for fear that if we do stay together and break up later on, it will affect our son
5. My boyfriend is a good hearted guy - he is so kind and he does love me and our son that even though he didn’t want any of this, he is trying to work things out by coming all the way here and just found a job last week
6. I love him so much and I do feel that he is the one for me, although I don’t know if it’s worth it waiting for him to "love me more"
7. My mother didn’t want him to sign the birth certificate just in case we don’t get married (it will be a big hassle for me to take him out of the country without an approved letter from the dad, notarized by the government every time and if I meet someone else, it will be impossible for him to adopt my son legally)
8. At the end of the year, my boyfriend will be leaving back to his country to work/finish his masters while I will finish my degree next year, after that we are planning to live in together, which is close to impossible because if I do that, my family will feel like they've taken care of me and my son all this time and I end up doing something they disapprove of (I feel like I’m going to turn my back on them if I do something that they think is wrong even if they've taken care of me and my son)

Do take note that my way of thinking (and my family's) is very Asian. This is how our culture is - very family oriented and has a Christian upbringing. Also, my father is a very wealthy business man hence a lot of people know him and our family.

What should I do?

[Waterfalls09]

It's tough being a first time father, I'd say go with the flow on this one.
The more you push him into being a family with you and your son, the more he will resent not only you but possibly your son.
3 months is a hard age, you both are lacking sleep and probably intimacy.
Life changes becoming a parent, when your son gets a bit older, to where you are able to spend more time with each other, you can start asking what he truly wants.

[talaniman]

One step at a time. For now you both keep talking and take responsibility to be good parents, married or NOT!

Of course his name goes on the birth certificate.

Yes it very stressful when cultures clash, but he has been honest, and is under no obligation what so ever to follow your beliefs, culture, or traditions and I am afraid your parents will never be happy until he concedes to their wishes, or you do the same.

As for living together? Some day maybe, but you better have more of a commitment than just a child together. Life is hard enough for a single woman with a child, and harder if her family is far away. There is no real hurry for a decision, so talk instead of rush into something you will regret later.

The only way this works is if the two of you resolve your differences through honest communications that benefits you both. That may take a few years, so keep talking until then.