[KathrinaB]

Hi,

So, I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4.5 years now (whoa, that's a long time). We're both 24 and we started dating in college, when finances were tight.

He's a sort of quiet, occasionally socially-clutsy sort of guy and he's one of two boys, no sisters to temper his man-ness as he was growing up, haha. This is only his 3rd relationship, and only truly "serious" one (the others were in high school for a few months). For me, this is my 1st relationship and I try to adjust high, imaginary (read: Disney) expectations based on real life as I come to them. For the most part, this has been great and successful, and I think we have a very healthy relationship.

We have always split things 50/50, due probably to the fact that we transitioned from very good friends to boyfriend-girlfriend instead of 'courting'/dating each other first. This worked well in college as we had similar funds. We didn't live together, but we split groceries, gas money, et al. Many people we meet make comments about how silly it is that we split things 50/50, normally imply he should pay for things, but 50/50 always seemed the best way to tackle it to me and I guess to him too. We don't generally have any problems with it, though it does niggle at the back of my mind that he eats AT LEAST 3 times as much as I do and I still split groceries 50/50 with him... but really I don't care much. It let's me buy better ingredients and eat tastier food. Haha.

During the first 2 years, we coordinated what gifts we would give each other for Christmas and birthdays. He's not the most creatively minded guy when it comes to meaningful, high impact gifts. He is EXCELLENT at picking jewelry for me, which is funny, but obviously jewelry is not a sustainable form of gift giving for the financially less endowed. It was generally about a 30 dollar top, iPod cases, books, I got him camping pots and pans one time... you get it.

Then, we graduated, moved to another country and got jobs. We began living together, and without really talking about it the 50/50 split came into effect again. We split all house expenses down the middle. If one of us spends a bit too much on ourselves that much or on a large purchase, the other pays for food and utilities keeping track of it as we go along, then they lendee pays the other what is owed on payday. Only very minor disagreements have come up from this, it works very well.

The last two years though, our gift giving has been uneven. I bought him a $100 piece of hiking equipment that he'd coveted for a long time for a joint Xmas/Bday gift. But he bought me a $15 pocket knife (odd) and then a $50 hotel room on my birthday. This last year, I bought him a $30 iPod/Phone traveling external battery/charger (he goes on long hiking trips), and then a $75 external hard drive he really needed, both of which he was coveting again. He got me a $20 blender. I know this is partly his man-ness which lacks in good gift picking. But I feel like there is no way he can believe that these are equally meaningful or expensive.

This next year, we'll be in very different income brackets, as he'll be a student again and I will be working. We won't be living together either as he'll be in school, in a dorm. He won't have as much spending money this year. I don't want to seem awful, but knowing that he may not even get me anything this year, while I will likely get him something mediumly expensive, kind of makes me feel... angry, due to past inequalities. He'll also be coming to stay with me on weekends, and will benefit- for free- from all the utilities, rent, food and other expenses I'll pay for while living alone... which makes it just a little more unfair feeling to me.

I don't need a lot of material things, and I am perfectly fine going 50/50 on everything. In fact, it is the fact that we are not 50/50 in this department that is bothering me so much.

So my question is this: We have split everything 50/50 for our entire relationship with very good results. However, when it comes to gifts for Christmas and birthdays (the only time we exchange gifts) the last 2 years of our relationship, I consistently end up spending more than he does. I feel like the gifts I get him are appropriate for the length of time we've been together and seriousness of our relationship, and they are things he wants. But I'm starting to feel resentful of the fact that the gifts he buys me are inexpensive and seemingly unthoughtful. I don't want to sound needy or ungrateful, but I also don't want to continue overspending and then feeling a bit putdown.

Should I tell him all this? Or to keep the peace, should I just drop down to a lower gift giving budget and buy rather mundane gifts for him? I love him, and like buying things for him that he wants, but I don't like feeling like he takes me for granted. Do the different circumstances this year mean I am obligated to buy him something nicer than he does me, as we are no longer equally matched financially? What do you think? Thanks for any input!

[joypulv]

I am someone who has an almost pathological fear of the ol' gift exchange. I hate it, basically. With family I keep an element of surprise going, sometimes not giving anything, other times, giving extravagantly, other times, giving at odd non holiday or birthday times. That way there are no expectations. Which GIFTS are not supposed to have!

My ex was a gift giver. He loved shopping, he had more money than I had, and he would even give me gifts for all those silly 'anniversaries' of first this and that. But at Christmas, for instance, the dread for me was awful, including the crowds. Because he liked gifts period we compromised: we went out for quick trips (for me) and bought what we liked for ourselves, gave them to each other, and then sort of stole them back. Tacky, I suppose, but it worked, and I still got to surprise him occasionally with a gift at an odd time.

When your boyfriend is in school I would call a moratorium. Handmade cards and home cooked food only, poems, art work, plants from seed, a one hour personal massage. Draw up a contract with birds and flowers around the edge and put it on the fridge.

[asompur]

I would pick a limit on what you each spend ( make sure you tell him too). Make it to where he knows he can afford it. Go to a store and if u see something you like that's around the limit say something like "That looks REALLY nice". He'll pick up on the hint eventually.

[Alty]

You're probably not going to like my post.

The way I see it, you chose to buy the gifts you did. No one put a gun to your head, you decided to buy him something you knew he'd like, and then expected him to follow suit. You can't really be mad because he didn't read you mind, or buy you something of equal value.

As for splitting things 50/50, you say you're okay with it, but it really sounds like you're not. Personally I think it's a good idea when you're living with someone. When you're married it's different, then all the money should be pooled together, and the bills paid out of the communal pot, but that's just my opinion.

What you really have to ask yourself is if this is a deal breaker for you? Money is a huge factor in relationships, it's one of the main reasons relationships fail. So sit down with him, tell him how you feel in a non confrontational way, and let him tell you how he feels as well. If your relationship is solid you two should be able to work out something you can both live with.