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Chrisb685 · Aug 18, 2012, 09:31 AM

A little background:
I am a 32 year old male with an 8 year old daughter from another relationship. I currently live on the Illinois side of St. Louis. And my ex lives in Texas. We separated when my daughter was 3. She has lived over 3 years in Texas. I DO get my daughter on every other Christmas and every summer. We do not have any court ordered agreement. Our agreement is verbal. As my daughter gets older she wants to live with us more and more. We do not encourage that but let her know that she always has a home with us. We also tell her that you can always live with daddy but mommy and I think its better for you to be with mommy. My daughter does have a baby sister back home and a step dad that my ex married. I am also married. It breaks my heart to see my daughter so upset. And having to tell her that she has to go back just kills me inside. I am not selfish by no means but feel like I am letting her down. I pride myself on not fighting with my wife we get along so well that there is no reason big enough to yell and scream. We talk like civil adults. My daughter tells me that her mom and step dad yell at each other and sometimes it scares her. I feel as if I do my best to protect her from bad things and it is all pointless because she goes home to it in Texas.
My wife and I are currently looking to move near my daughter to be in her life more than we are now. Being that she lives in north Texas, we plan on moving to the Colorado area within a 5 hour drive instead of the 13 hour drive now. I wanted to know if moving to the same town in Texas will cause more drama or would Colorado be a better idea. During the winter my daughter and I go 4 months without physically seeing each other. But we have facetime. I love my daughter so much and so does my wife who is willing to find another job just to be near her as well. I want my daughter to live with us in Colorado eventually will that ever happen? Can I file for custody in Colorado or Texas? If living in another state does that disqualify me for custody? As for our jobs my wife is the assistant manager for a major credit union and I manage a garden shop here in town. I feel lost and I am tired of crying so now I need to get it off my chest. Hope someone responds because I am on the inside looking out. Thanks in advance

JudyKayTee · Aug 18, 2012, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by Chrisb685

A little background:
I am a 32 year old male with an 8 year old daughter from another relationship. I currently live on the Illinois side of St. Louis. And my ex lives in Texas. We separated when my daughter was 3. She has lived over 3 years in Texas. I DO get my daughter on every other Christmas and every summer. We do not have any court ordered agreement. Our agreement is verbal. As my daughter gets older she wants to live with us more and more. We do not encourage that but let her know that she always has a home with us. We also tell her that you can always live with daddy but mommy and i think its better for you to be with mommy. my daughter does have a baby sister back home and a step dad that my ex married. I am also married. It breaks my heart to see my daughter so upset. And having to tell her that she has to go back just kills me inside. I am not selfish by no means but feel like i am letting her down. I pride myself on not fighting with my wife we get along so well that there is no reason big enough to yell and scream. We talk like civil adults. My daughter tells me that her mom and step dad yell at each other and sometimes it scares her. I feel as if i do my best to protect her from bad things and it is all pointless because she goes home to it in Texas.
My wife and i are currently looking to move near my daughter to be in her life more than we are now. Being that she lives in north Texas, we plan on moving to the Colorado area within a 5 hour drive instead of the 13 hour drive now. I wanted to know if moving to the same town in Texas will cause more drama or would Colorado be a better idea. during the winter my daughter and i go 4 months without physically seeing each other. But we have facetime. I love my daughter so much and so does my wife who is willing to find another job just to be near her as well. I want my daughter to live with us in colorado eventually will that ever happen? Can I file for custody in colorado or texas? If living in another state does that disqualify me for custody? As for our jobs my wife is the assistant manager for a major credit union and i manage a garden shop here in town. I feel lost and i am tired of crying so now i need to get it off my chest. Hope someone responds because i am on the inside looking out. thanks in advance

No one but you knows whether moving will or won't cause drama. You know the child's mother and her reactions.

You would file where your daughter lives - in this case, Texas.

The only way to get sole custody is to prove the mother is unfit and a danger to the child. I don't know if she is and, if so, don't know if you can prove it. The Court is not going to put much weight on what an 8 year old says. Children "usually" want to live wherever there are the fewest rules. At "her" house she's probably another person who lives there. At "your" house she's more like a guest.

There is no custody/visitation order so the custodial parent - the mother - controls the situation. She could stop visitation at any time. You need to do something before your daughter tells her she wants to live with you, the mother takes offense and pulls the plug on the visits.

I would do nothing without consulting an Attorney.

I am assuming you pay support - ?

Chrisb685 · Aug 18, 2012, 10:11 AM

I do pay support. My ex is well aware of her wanting to be here. There are more rules at my house then her moms. We have a great bond. When my daughter gets in trouble in Texas they threaten her with me getting on the phone and talking to her. I love her but she is not my friend. She is my daughter. I believe we give more attention than she gets at home specially with another child in their house. I have always been very strict with my daughter because I do not want her to think she can get away with it here and not there. I do not spank her only because I don't have to. Back home they spank and lock her in the room and yell at her. And my ex is not a bad mom just never home always working and it leaves her husband in control and he's overwhelmed I am sure. I just want to feel like I'm doing the right thing and I don't know what that is

ScottGem · Aug 18, 2012, 10:16 AM

As Judy said, I don't see a court granting a change in custody given the circumstances. As your daughter gets into her teen years the courts may give greater weight to her preferences.

Moving closer to her will give you more face time, but don't know how it will affect the dynamic.

JudyKayTee · Aug 18, 2012, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by Chrisb685

I do pay support. My ex is well aware of her wanting to be here. There are more rules at my house then her moms. we have a great bond. When my daughter gets in trouble in texas they threaten her with me getting on the phone and talking to her. I love her but she is not my friend. She is my daughter. I believe we give more attention than she gets at home specially with another child in their house. I have always been very strict with my daughter because i do not want her to think she can get away with it here and not there. I do not spank her only because i dont have to. back home they spank and lock her in the room and yell at her. And my ex is not a bad mom just never home always working and it leaves her husband in control and hes overwhelmed i am sure. I just want to feel like im doing the right thing and i dont know what that is

Just so you know I wasn't being critical or judgmental. I am telling you your children/court/custody matters usually play out when children want to move from one parent's residence to another's.

In order to get physical/custodial custody the mother would have to be a danger to the child - and you would need proof.

Now, if the child is being spanked, that could be an issue. Locking her in a room? Not good parenting.

Dangerous? I don't know.

Chrisb685 · Aug 18, 2012, 10:33 AM

So I think my situation is unique and I understand that what I have is better than nothing. I think it would be better to have distance yet be within a 5 hour drive or 45 minute flight. I agree that time is my only friend. I can only give her what I think is right and maybe when she's 12 or 13 we can go from there. Again I'm not trying to bury myself alive or even bury my head in the sand and let it pass by. I just think that rationality is key and I needed outside opinions