[laurenh1990]

So yesterday I found out my best friend is pregnant... and I know it's selfish and self-pitying, but I feel so upset! I'm 22 next week, and since I left school at 15, ALL of my closest friends from school now have kids, and up until yesterday me and my best friend were the only ones that weren't. I felt like we had a bond because of this, and now it's all going to change.

I know from experience that once a friend becomes pregnant, suddenly they don't have time to do normal stuff like go shopping or the cinema, and they become even more distant once they have the baby. My other (now ex, due to the drifting apart) best friend is an example. We did everything together! Nights out, watching films, shopping... and then I found out she was pregnant. I was over the moon, went to all her scans and bought baby clothes for her. Then the baby came along, and don't get me wrong, I adored him, but then she wouldn't meet me anymore, didn't call me or even ask how I was doing, and it really hurt me.

I know that priorities change, just as people do when they become parents, but surely friendships shouldn't? I'm devastated, and I know I should be happy. My friend and her partner are happy, all of our friends are happy, so why not me? I feel like I am being left behind all over again. I live at home with my mum, I'm unhappy at work, and although I love my boyfriend so much, he doesn't want to live together yet, doesn't want to get married (he doesn't see the point in it, not because of me), and there's no sign of kids on the horizon for me. Sometimes I feel that if I had a baby, I wouldn't feel so left out, I could talk to my friends about our experiences instead of trying to make conversations that don't involve kids or lack of sleep, baby sick or changing nappies. But I know I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons, fact is I'm not ready for kids. My boyfriend called me bitter when I rang him and told him the news, because I obviously didn't sound happy.

Am I bitter? He is happy, his best friend is the father, but all I feel is numb

Is this normal?

[smoothy]

Listen, the reality of life is friendships come and go... even friends you have known since childhood.

As you already know.. and acknowledges priorities do change. More important things do happen in our lives, be it family, a job, or just a personal choice to relocate.

Some people go through more of this than others... like me, who has had two long term international moves, and have lived in three states for job reasons.

Yes its difficult, but life goes on and we adjust. We find new friends and make our way in the world.

[laurenh1990]

I know all of this, yet I can't feel better about it. I can't replace the friends I have lost, and I can't get my head around its happening again. How do I make new friends? I don't like people at work, I have no time for hobbies. I feel so alone now, and whoever I try to talk to about it doesn't understand, they think I am selfish, which maybe I am. I don't like my own company, and that's becoming a regular thing now. How do I get past this?

[smoothy]

You don't feel better about it because its still too fresh and you are in the middle of it now.

Ever hear the quote, time heals all wounds? It means it may hurt now but with time you will all but forget it as you take care of your own life and find your own new friends...

In time you are going to understand what I just said... few people live in their old neighborhoods their entire lives and even fewer still have all the friends they grew up with still there too.

You just have to tough it out... because literally you have no other choice. You meet new people.. and the ones that share enough interests you become friends with. The more you do this the easier it will get. I'm telling you this because I've been through this myself.

Nothing like moving to a different country alone... where you HAVE to make all new friends as your only tie to your old ones is with a very expensive international telephone call.

Its really not as hard as you think it is... and as you get older, you will find you might be friendly with the people at work... but you don't hang out with them outside of work.

[santhalus]

Don't worry your completely normal to feel this way. I actually just gave birth 3 months ago and let me tell you this - when I would go out just for lunch even with my own mother or family, I would IMMEDIATELY have the urge to go back home and be with my baby. You have to understand that it is a huge, overwhelming change in anyone's life to have a baby.

Your friend can definitely go out with you (go out to a party, movie, lunch, whatever) if she's used to the baby. And getting used to living and taking care of the baby needs a lot of time, specially if she doesn't have a nanny.

So just wait for your friend to get used to it or visit her at home instead first, it will get better in a few months.. :)

[laurenh1990]

The thing is, I don't want new friends, I want my current ones back! Just without the comments on their hormones or babies. I'm sick of hearing about it! It's all I hear about now, and I can't relate to anything they say about it. Another thing which sounds really petty and childish, is about the sex of the baby. A fair few months ago, me and my friend who is now pregnant were talking about baby names. I said I really wanted the name evie for a girl, like really have my heart set on it. A few weeks later over coffee, she brings up the subject again, and says she and her boyfriend only really like the name evie. But she doesn't acknowledge that it came from me, it's like it was just a name that she came across. I don't know if I can be friends with her if she has a girl and takes the name!

[Wondergirl]

As you age, you will find out that the groups of people you know fall into categories that talk mostly about one thing. For instance, during my 20s and 30s, many were young parents and talked about potty training and preschool and birthday parties at bowling alleys. Now I'm older and conversations center around long-term care, retirement communities, and funeral homes.

Find people who have the same interests you do. Does your public library have a book discussion group or a writers' group? Take a class at the park district or at a community college. At 43, I found new friends in grad school.

As smoothy said, life changes. I have long since lost most high school and college friends, although several of us exchange Christmas cards and newsy letters. I never hung out after work with coworkers, although a few got to be good friends with each other and went out to eat or to movies together. The main thing is to be open to change and new people in your life.

[laurenh1990]

I am open to new friends, should they come along. I just don't have time to seek them out. My point is, why should ordinary friendships change? Why can't my friends talk about normal stuff, and call me and ask me how I'm doing for a change? Why should I have to seek new friends just to have a normal conversation about work, men and gossip? I feel my friends are having kids when they can't even look after themselves! But I can't point that out, because I 'don't understand' or 'it's not how it looks'

[smoothy]

The thing is, I don't want new friends, I want my current ones back! Just without the comments on their hormones or babies. I'm sick of hearing about it! It's all I hear about now, and I can't relate to anything they say about it. Another thing which sounds really petty and childish, is about the sex of the baby. A fair few months ago, me and my friend who is now pregnant were talking about baby names. I said I really wanted the name evie for a girl, like really have my heart set on it. A few weeks later over coffee, she brings up the subject again, and says she and her boyfriend only really like the name evie. But she doesn't acknowledge that it came from me, it's like it was just a name that she came across. I don't know if I can be friends with her if she has a girl and takes the name!

First rule of life... don't try to live in the past... life will pass you by if you try.

When and if you ever get pregnant... you will be doing the very same thing they are doing.

Why? Because its going to be such a big part of your life forever...

It doesn't matter who a name came from... and it doesn't have to be acknowledged, if it was such a secret you shouldn't have told her, besides... Evie isn't a unique name... there will be a lot of others that use it and there is no reason YOU still couldn't use it if you have a baby girl.

Its not like it was your sister that did it when it might get a bit complicated but still not unheard of.

[Alty]

I haven't read all the other posts, so please forgive me if I repeat anything.

Children change everything. I remember when I had my first child. All the people we used to hang out with, all the parties we used to have, it all changed. It's life changing. Suddenly you cease to be you, and you become a mom. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, forever!

I didn't completely understand that until I became a mom. Like you I was upset when my friends had kids and suddenly our time together changed.

Once I went through it, I understood. My priorities changed because they had to. I was tired, the house was a constant mess, I was broke, I was overweight (baby fat). The things I enjoyed in the past just weren't doable anymore. Going shopping when you're breastfeeding isn't fun, and most people that don't have kids really don't want one tagging along on a shopping trip.

Parties? Hell no! As soon as the baby went to bed, so did I. I only had a few hours before he woke up wanting to be changed and fed. I was in no shape to party, and frankly, baby is sleeping, so no loud noises!

It's not easy. It's very hard actually.

One thing I did appreciate, the friends that didn't have kids yet, that came over, washed dishes, did a load of laundry, held the baby so I could nap. Those are the friends that are still in my life now that my kids are older. Those are the friends that I kept.

I know it's not easy being the last one to have kids. No hurry, you're still very young. But do try to understand that being a mom is a full time job, and the hardest job ever.