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thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 07:30 AM

Hello people.
Im in a dilemma. Im 31 and my girl is 23, been with my girlfriend of almost 5 years, now I have been out of work for over a year which she has slowly started to get annoyed about even though I am trying, we used too live together before but due to my unemployment she had too move back home. We have kept a good relationship since this time... but she took the depo jab contraceptive which seemed to have wiped her libido, she said over the last year that she's lost her sex drive. But because I've loved her I have been supportive and patient when I could have easily gone out and cheated.
Now, what has happened recently is I have seen her messages to an old friend, who's the same age as me, uglier, unemployed and has a girlfriend. She's had sex with this guy in the back of his car which she admitted too.
She had warned me previously that she wanted to have a break because she couldn't understand why she felt no sexual attraction to me or whether there was something wrong with her? Obviously this was hard to take but I brushed it under the carpet. So result being she did this behind my back. Not nice I know!
When asking why she did this she said it was only too spice up our sexlife (which it did instantly) and that's all she wanted out of it.
I came to understand this but am still hurting.She said she needed time to think about us, we went out last Saturday and had a lovely day, kissing and laughing, holding hands and I never brought this up.
Until the other day where I wanted to know for my own piece of mind and got everything off my chest! And because of this she said she wanted to split but still loves me and kissed and cuddled me. I saw her the other day because its hurting me and knowing she wants too throw everything away, she said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone as she does have a lot going on with work.
She said she wants space to think. She still kisses me now and doesn't seem to resist my charms... the question is does she really want too end this because I don't and I know it can make us even stronger!

So people I would love any good advice, any questions just ask!

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 10, 2012, 07:35 AM

She's using you like a toy. She wants the attention and love of a relationship without the formalities and emotional ties. The very second she cheated on you should have pushed you away, but you stuck around. She knows you're easy to manipulate and she's doing it by keeping you around after all this crap.

When are you going to stand up for yourself and draw the line?

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 07:42 AM

I have stood up to her about this but it just seems too easy just to give up, we still love each other and we do want to keep in touch. Maybe I haven't give her enough time as she's been busy..?

smoothy · Aug 10, 2012, 07:52 AM

Run.. don't walk away... there is too much wrong here to point at any one thing.

Might be time to ask for the bag she keeps your gonads in back. You are going to need them.

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 01:43 PM

Hello people.
Im in a dilemma. Im 31 and my girl is 23, been with my girlfriend of almost 5 years, now I have been out of work for over a year which she has slowly started to get annoyed about even though I am trying, we used too live together before but due to my unemployment she had too move back home. We have kept a good relationship since this time... but she took the depo jab contraceptive which seemed to have wiped her libido, she said over the last year that she's lost her sex drive. But because I've loved her I have been supportive and patient when I could have easily gone out and cheated.
Now, what has happened recently is I have seen her messages to an old friend, who's the same age as me, uglier, unemployed and has a girlfriend. She's had sex with this guy in the back of his car which she admitted too.
She had warned me previously that she wanted to have a break because she couldn't understand why she felt no sexual attraction to me or whether there was something wrong with her? Obviously this was hard to take but I brushed it under the carpet. So result being she did this behind my back. Not nice I know!
When asking why she did this she said it was only too spice up our sexlife (which it did instantly) and that's all she wanted out of it.
I came to understand this but am still hurting.She said she needed time to think about us, we went out last Saturday and had a lovely day, kissing and laughing, holding hands and I never brought this up.
Until the other day where I wanted to know for my own piece of mind and got everything off my chest! And because of this she said she wanted to split but still loves me and kissed and cuddled me. I saw her the other day because its hurting me and knowing she wants too throw everything away, she said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone as she does have a lot going on with work.
She said she wants space to think. She still kisses me now and doesn't seem to resist my charms... the question is does she really want too end this because I don't and I know it can make us even stronger!

So people I would love any good advice, any questions just ask

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

... Now, what has happened recently is i have seen her mesages to an old friend, whos the same age as me, uglier, unemployed and has a girlfriend. Shes had sex with this guy in the back of his car which she admitted too.
She had warned me previously that she wanted to have a break because she couldnt understand why she felt no sexual attraction to me or whether there was something wrong with her? Obviously this was hard to take but i brushed it under the carpet. So result being she did this behind my back. Not nice i know! When asking why she did this she said it was only too spice up our sexlife (which it did instantly) and thats all she wanted out of it. She said she wants space to think. She still kisses me now and doesnt seem to resist my charms....the question is does she really want too end this because i dont and i know it can make us even stronger! So people i would love any good advice, any questions just ask

When did she have sex with the "same age, uglier, unemployed, in a relationship" guy? A year ago, yesterday, during your relationship? He must have something going for him in her eyes.

So - her having sex in the backseat of someone else's car "instantly" spiced up your sex life? I don't think finding out that my boyfriend was having sex in the backseat of a car would spice up my sex life with him - in fact, it would end my sex life with him.

What does she can't "resist your charms" mean? Sex is sex. Is that what you are saying?

She's pulling away. She pushes you away, she pulls you back. She cheats. She confesses.

I think you need to grow a pair (of oranges) and decide how long you want to put up with her behavior. Meanwhile, she's got both sides of her life covered.

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 02:51 PM

This happened in the last 2 weeks on a Sunday and she started get horny towards me straight away, twice in 3days in fact. But caught her messages to him a week later so didn't last long.. Remember the depo jab yea. I've come to understand but didn't give her the right too do it. She said she did it behind my back because she didn't want too loose me? She doesn't tell me to stop if we kiss? Still early stages at moment, she wants her space away and that's what she going to get and then will see if she contacts me! I seen her last night with her friends but said she wasn't enjoying herself, we spoke and cryied. So will see...

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

This happened in the last 2 weeks on a Sunday and she started get horny towards me straight away, twice in 3days in fact. But caught her messages to him a week later so didn't last long.. Remember the depo jab yea. Iv come to understand but didn't give her the right too do it. She said she did it behind my back because she didn't want too loose me? She doesn't tell me to stop if we kiss? Still early stages at moment, she wants her space away and that's what she gonna get and then will see if she contacts me!? I seen her last night with her friends but said she wasn't enjoying herself, we spoke and cryied. So will see...

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. That, of course, leaves you in limbo.

In your heart what do you want to happen?

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:04 PM

Thanks for reply! :)
This is it you see, Iam in limbo.
In my heart I forgive her and want to start over because I think it could make us better and stronger. You can become complacent in a relationship and I played my part and I'm sorry for that but Iam in the middle of changing that. Bad timing really? The thing is she hasn't even had a heart to heart with any member of family about it, which I told her to do so. We love each other a lot..

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Thanks for reply! :)
This is it you see, Iam in limbo.
In my heart I forgive her and want to start over because I think it could make us better and stronger. You can become complacent in a relationship and I played my part and I'm sorry for that but Iam in the middle of changing that. Bad timing really? The thing is she hasn't even had a heart to heart with any member of family about it, which I told her to do so. We love each other alot.. ?

I think you need to talk to her openly and honestly - maybe she's dancing around the issues because she thinks you're dancing around the issues. No one wants to open up and get slammed.

I'm not saying talk to her and bleed all over the place. I am saying say you think you're good together, you love her, you've both made mistakes, can you move beyond them?

Again - nobody wants to get hurt and so I think people in relationships can be afraid to open up. Maybe both of you are guarding your hearts - ?

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:23 PM

Well that's what I told her last night under the circumstances, about how good we are together and it can make us stronger and how much we want each other and we can move on from this which is when she started to cry whist holding me :( I spoke to her mother few weeks back and told her everything which she was very shocked at and think she saw me in a different light! In a good way! But she hasn't Spoke to her.. should I phone her mother and explain that they need too talk? :)

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Well that's what I told her last night under the circumstances, about how good we are together and it can make us stronger and how much we want eachother and we can move on from this which is when she started to cry whist holding me :( I spoke to her mother few weeks back and told her everything which she was very shocked at and think she saw me in a different light! In a good way! But she hasn't Spoke to her..should I phone her mother and explain that they need too talk? :)

No, I would not contact her mother. I would be very upset if I thought you went to my family with "our" problems.

You could suggest to your girlfriend that she discuss your relationship with someone - "perhaps her mother" <wink>.

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:32 PM

But she knows I've spoke to her mother straight after I found out what she did... and didn't seem angry about it?
I did tell her last week she needed to talk to a member of family about it, but doesn't seem to be a priority? She said she was in middle of the process when I had it out with her, and after it her saying she wanted to split. Her mother did say at the time she wanted to talk to me about it? So...

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

But she knows iv spoke to her mother straight after I found out what she did...and didn't seem angry about it?
I did tell her last week she needed to talk to a member of family about it, but doesn't seem to be a priority? She said she was in middle of the process when I had it out with her, and after it her saying she wanted to split. Her mother did say at the time she wanted to talk to me about it? So...

Well, maybe it would work for you. I would be very upset if a bf/husband talked to my family about "our" relationship.

I'm a pretty private person. Maybe it would work for you.

You're certainly closer to the situation and know the dynamics better than I do.

What's your gut feeling?

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:43 PM

To be honest it's only just came into my thoughts but will think about it.
I know she's away next week, so maybe could speak to her then..
Thanks for talking with me, will keep you posted! And if I forget get in touch :) x

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

To be honest it's only just came into my thoughts but will think about it.
I know she's away next week, so maybe could speak to her then..?
Thanks for talking with me, will keep you posted! And if I forget get in touch :) x

I don't say this often (and I'm not running for office so I don't need your vote) but you express yourself very well.

I think your instincts are sound.

Go with your heart and your guts - and also, yes, keep me informed.

thesecret11 · Aug 10, 2012, 03:51 PM

Thank you.
If only a certain somebody seen that in me? My instincts are tuned into a higher frequency. From a Devine source possibly? :)

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2012, 04:36 PM

Originally Posted by thesecret11

Thankyou.
If only a certain somebody seen that in me? My instincts are tuned into a higher frequency. From a Devine source possibly? :)

Possibly!

thesecret11 · Aug 17, 2012, 02:47 PM

Hi judy!
Thought I'd give you a quick update, I phoned up her mother the other night but said she didn't feel there was anything to discuss. Seemed ro of just brushed it under the carpet? Even though she hasn't really had a heart to heart with her? Hope to hear from you! :)

thesecret11 · Sep 6, 2012, 01:19 PM

Hi people. I previously posted about the problem I've faced with my ex. She recently wanted to tell me over dinner that she was moving away. And since then she has decided that it is no longer worth saving this relationship because she is wanting to move away to London like her sisters have done. We always talked about making a fresh start in the past if it was right but She said she needs to do this for herself which I agree as she needs to learn how to be independent as she's 23. Me being 31. We been together almost 5years. Iam finding it hard to move on so quickly but know things are getting better and am making positive steps. We agreed that there were underlying issues that caused the breakdown of this relationship. I wasn't shore if it would be good if we should be friends as its still fresh but have seen her recently and have discussed the relationship. She tells me not to tex her at times as she wants us to move on, but is still
Happy to be friends and keep things civil. I feel it helps me to move on if I see her occasionally. Is this a good idea? Because she does won't to keep in contact and I wonder how she may feel different towards me when she's moved away being on her own? Will she miss me and can it rekindle a new relationship?