[Eleveneleven]

Just to clear things up before getting into my problem, I want to state that I am going to omit certain minute details from my situation solely because I want to protect my privacy. Said details involve how long we've been dating/how long we've known each other.

I'm in a relationship with a man who I believe is the man of my dreams. Our personalities simply blend together, almost effortlessly, yet at times, they collide strongly enough for me to consider leaving.

Before we started dating I suggested to him that we have an open relationship because I have many issues that I need to work on, and I wouldn't like him to need to deal with my ugly side (I have SEVERE abandonment issues along with PTSD). He insisted that we be exclusive, reason being he couldn't stand to know I'm sleeping with other men (even though I was only doing it to let him be with other women, and that I didn't actually want to be with other men-- I just wanted him to have freedom and be happy loving me. I know men are completely incapable of being as faithful as a woman can be, and was tired of being handed the short-end of the stick, so to speak).

After a while I decide to try to see things his way, and agreed to have a monogamous relationship with him.

Things went smoother than I'd ever thought they could have. But after a month, he started making it blatantly obvious to me that he wants to other women. Now, just to set the record straight, I knew all along that men always want to women who are not their girlfriend/fiancé/wife. Fair enough. He's only human. So am I. What I don't understand is why he so adamantly told me, on numerous occasions, that he does NOT want to other girls, and yet proceeds to--very obviously--turn around to look at a girl while right next to me and holding my hand. This is hurting me to no end.

He finally admitted to me one day, when stoned, that, "if [I] see something [I] like, I look," after telling me for six months that he does not look at other girls that way. He later spoke about this instance again, rather this time used the term "fantasy" to--maybe?--more accurately describe his lust for other women (as if I needed a clearer picture).

I want to so badly explain to him that I don't care that he feels this way about women because, I know, I do not care. What bothers me and breaks my heart so much is that I feel as though he lied to me so long to just have me to himself. That is not fair to me, in my eyes, and it's reaking havoc on us, to say the very least.

I don't believe anything he says. I don't trust him. I can't even look at him
without picturing him eating another girls . And when I do look at him sometimes, all I feel is unbridled uselessness. I've really never felt so sad in my whole life. I even have trouble climaxing when we have sex now, because I *know* he's thinking of someone else even if he states otherwise.

Why not just tell me from the beginning that he does want to bang other women, flat out? Why torture me like this? Why bother telling me I'm the most attractive to you if, virtually, everything with two breasts that walks is attractive to you?

I've tried to tell him that he should just sleep with women if that's what he really wants. And that was one night I know I will never forget, whether we break up or not. He cried and had a -fit like I'd never seen, claming to be "the most whipped man ever," and that if he wanted to other women he would, and that he doesn't.

I guess I didn't understand exactly what was going on through his head, but, at that point, I stopped caring because I was hurting so much.

He obviously thinks I'm retarded. Because I know, and I'm sure everyone out there knows, that if anyone, not just a man, turns around to stare at someone's , they are thinking of ing that person. Him thinking I'm an idiot certainly does not aid my emotional state.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he's hurt me too much for me to be able to recooperate. I know that, before we dated, he told me that just because another girl is wearing hot pants doesn't mean I mean any less to him. If that were truly the case, he wouldn't act as though I'm a rotting carcass when said women are present. I do not exist when a hot girl is around.

While I believe I am hideous-looking, I do get hit on often and have been with models (sexually) in the past. Men don't seem to think I'm hideous at all, and I know women are very jealous of me. I refuse to believe I am attractive, though, because my boyfriend has completely eradicated any sense of confidence I may have had left before meeting him.

I know I should leave... I know he is a liar and a major control freak (I consider that an unrelated issue, and will not disclose anymore information on the topic here). But the love I have for him is too strong for me to be able to go. He's so sweet to me at other times, it's almost as though I'm his princess and he'd never do anything to hurt me in purpose. At those moments, I completely forget all the other times he's hurt me beyond belief. To my dismay, they come back to haunt me--relentlessly--again within minutes.

I also feel like I have nowhere to go. My mom is the same way and equally--perhaps more--emotionally damaging to be around. I'm not on speaking terms with my dad for the same reason, and I also don't have a job because I've been going to school this whole time (trying to get into a science program in university).

I sometimes figure I should trust myself, and I tell myself I will know when my time to leave is when it comes. But each day is getting so hard that I'm starting to wonder whether I'm going to leave through the door of our apartment or by committing suicide.

These issues seem so overtowering and intimidating to me that I feel as though I've lost myself in all of this pain and sadness. I understand I need professional help, but am unfortunately not in the financial position to get any.

I wish he never told me I was the only want he wants to have sex with or be with. I know/knew all along deep down he likes other women emotionally and wants other women sexually. I wish he had never said those things to me because I truly believed him, and while so many past partners had said that to me, he is the only one I ever believed, and I can't even describe how painful it is to watch all of his promises fall apart in front of me.

I don't know whether I should leave or not. I know I *mostly* don't want to. Therefore, if anyone out there has any idea as to how I can try to cope with my situation I'd truly be willing to give any *good* advice a shot. If I was unclear at any point feel free to ask me to clarify.

I hope someone out there can understand--even remotely-- how I feel and offer a helping hand.

[here2assist]

"I know men are completely incapable of being as faithful as a woman can be, and was tired of being handed the short-end of the stick, so to speak)"

First, I'm a woman and would like to dispel that misconception you have. Men are just as capable of being as faithful as women. If a guy loves and respects you he will show it in his actions and treatment toward you. If he cheats on you or does something that you are not willing to tolerate it is your responsibility to make it directly apparent that you will not accept that behavior. If he is unwilling to change then you need to have the dignity, self-love and self-assuredness to walk away and know without a doubt that you deserve the best.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but insecurity and a lack of self-esteem is killing your relationship. You should try to work on those things not only to improve yourself but to increase the success in relationships.

Just because he notices attractive girls doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive. If he is blatantly pointing out other hot girls to you or putting you down then I can see why you'd have something to say. I'm sure you notice other good looking guys. Even when you're happily involved with another you don't lose your eyesight. This also doesn't translate to your perceived notion that he wants to screw every girl. He wants to be with you, hence he's with you. You completely misconstrued his comment about looking or fantasizing. Come on, we all fantasize and that's what makes us human. It's what you do about it and whether you act on it that really matters.

"While I believe I am hideous-looking, I do get hit on often and have been with models (sexually) in the past. Men don't seem to think I'm hideous at all, and I know women are very jealous of me. I refuse to believe I am attractive, though, because my boyfriend has completely eradicated any sense of confidence I may have had left before meeting him. "

You're pushing him away and it seems like he realized he could never 'prove' to you that he cared and found you beautiful. You don't love yourself and therefore can't be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship. I'm sorry but you need to revamp your self-esteem.

I have a lot of guy friends and they all want a woman that feels happy, confident and beautiful (on the inside and outside). When one party doesn't in a relationship they tend to be a drain instead of enhancing their partner's life.

There are clinics and other programs out there for people with low incomes that need therapy. Look online or make a few phone calls. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my comments are received well.

[backpack2389]

I don't think his insistence on monogamy, at least for you to be monogamous, is odd. Men don't like to share their women at all but insist their eyes and imaginations should be uninhibited. Men are jealous but seem incapable of understanding our jealousy.

So far you have only said that he looks at and fantasizes about other women, not that he has physically cheated on you. I think men do this all the time and in order to be with a man you have to accept that they are going to have frequent and vivid sexually fantasies about other women. It is hurtful, but they won't change. However, if he is not having physical contact with other women, then he is respecting societal norms regarding cheating. You'll have to either accept that he'll fantasize about other people and stay with him, or leave him and enter into an open relationship with someone else.

[mmresd]

Men are able to be faithful, some just choose not to. To analyze your particular case though, it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, you believe so hard that he NEEDS to have other women, that he starts sharing that feelings and then goes somewhere else. You need to work on yourself esteem and your trust issues, these insecurities that you are having are the main root of your problem, you need to work on them. I would recommend to be single for a while, to relax about the whole relationship idea because you are clearly not ready. Definitely break up and work on yourself, no point in torturing a guy with your mental issues. And if you were disappointed in the past... SO WHAT? Why punish every guy in the world because you have had a couple of bad experiences, and if your attitude has always been this way, then who is really to blame?

[Eleveneleven]

I totally understand where you're coming from and appreciate your input, I only wish you were a little more compassionate in writing your response.

I apologize if/that my post seemed one-sided; sometimes I just get very emotional and forget that many issues are there due to my own flaws.

Thank you for your help, I take every response seriously.

"I know men are completely incapable of being as faithful as a woman can be, and was tired of being handed the short-end of the stick, so to speak)"

First, I'm a woman and would like to dispel that misconception you have. Men are just as capable of being as faithful as women. If a guy loves and respects you he will show it in his actions and treatment toward you. If he cheats on you or does something that you are not willing to tolerate it is your responsibility to make it directly apparent that you will not accept that behavior. If he is unwilling to change then you need to have the dignity, self-love and self-assuredness to walk away and know without a doubt that you deserve the best.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but insecurity and a lack of self-esteem is killing your relationship. You should try to work on those things not only to improve yourself but to increase the success in relationships.

Just because he notices attractive girls doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive. If he is blatantly pointing out other hot girls to you or putting you down then I can see why you'd have something to say. I'm sure you notice other good looking guys. Even when you're happily involved with another you don't lose your eyesight. This also doesn't translate to your perceived notion that he wants to screw every girl. He wants to be with you, hence he's with you. You completely misconstrued his comment about looking or fantasizing. Come on, we all fantasize and that's what makes us human. It's what you do about it and whether you act on it that really matters.

"While I believe I am hideous-looking, I do get hit on often and have been with models (sexually) in the past. Men don't seem to think I'm hideous at all, and I know women are very jealous of me. I refuse to believe I am attractive, though, because my boyfriend has completely eradicated any sense of confidence I may have had left before meeting him. "

You're pushing him away and it seems like he realized he could never 'prove' to you that he cared and found you beautiful. You don't love yourself and therefore can't be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship. I'm sorry but you need to revamp your self-esteem.

I have a lot of guy friends and they all want a woman that feels happy, confident and beautiful (on the inside and outside). When one party doesn't in a relationship they tend to be a drain instead of enhancing their partner's life.

There are clinics and other programs out there for people with low incomes that need therapy. Look online or make a few phone calls. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my comments are received well.

I truly need to express how grateful I am for your response.
I wish I could show you how much I needed to hear just what you said.
I knew all along that my issues were making things worse, but, now that you've told me to get help... I feel like they can actually be worked on. I've always seen my problems as a way of life, for lack of a better phrase. Maybe there is something I can do to make things better for myself. I just never believed in myself enough to want to keep trying to fix myself; I never thought I was smart or strong enough... but maybe I should give this another shot.

I've been working on my resume so I can find a job and afford to see a therapist again. I really hope this time I can afford to keep going.

Thank you for your compassionate answer. I really needed some constructive criticism.

I don't think his insistance on monogamy, at least for you to be monogamous, is odd. Men don't like to share their women at all but insist their eyes and imaginations should be uninhibited. Men are jealous but seem incapable of understanding our jealousy.

So far you have only said that he looks at and fantasizes about other women, not that he has physically cheated on you. I think men do this all the time and in order to be with a man you have to accept that they are going to have frequent and vivid sexually fantasies about other women. It is hurtful, but they won't change. However, if he is not having physical contact with other women, then he is respecting societal norms regarding cheating. You'll have to either accept that he'll fantasize about other people and stay with him, or leave him and enter into an open relationship with someone else.

I couldn't have put it better myself.
And I've decided to try my best to tough it out and accept him for who he is. I love him so much I think it would be silly to give up over something he refuses to change about himself. There are plenty of things I refuse to change about myself, too, and he's still here.

Thank you so much for your helpful answer.

[talaniman]

I have to give you credit for recognizing and attempting to deal with your issues in a positive proactive way, without being carried away, and being out of control. That's half the battle toward progress.

Very good.