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glowpres · Mar 12, 2007, 04:18 PM

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. I have been through it all with him - drug problems, baby mama drama, cave man mentality, etc. I am a working wife (2 jobs). I cook, clean, take care of the kids and all other household duties, including my wifely sexual duties. He does not help out around the house, he does not help with the kids, he does not do anything with me. He does work, and likes to go out with the guys. I hae repeately stressed to him that I am not happy with the ways things are. I let him know what I need help with and I suggested marriage counseling. He outright told me no to marriage counseling and he does not try to improve in any of the things I mentioned earlier. What should I do? I am miseralble. I guess I am hoping that things will improve.

RubyPitbull · Mar 12, 2007, 04:41 PM

glowpres, you have been dealing with this for 12 years now. It is not going to improve on it's own. You have expressed your needs to him, and he is ignoring you. That is not what a good marriage is about. Please, honey, if he won't go to a marriage counselor with you, then you need to do this on your own. You need an objective third party. He/she can help you think things through and possibly come up with some ideas on how to get him motivated to help you. If that is not possible, then you need a sounding board to help you decide if this is how you want to continue to live your life. The marriage counselor or therapist can help you find the strength you need to make positive changes in your life. You should not accept being miserable.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 12, 2007, 04:44 PM

First, consider starting counseling on your own. If he refuses there is no reason why you can not start going yourself. This will be beneficial to you and they will give you different ideas on how to deal differently with certain situations in your life. Whether it be work, marriage, and mother. To be able to open up and share your thoughts with somebody and for somebody to give you good guidance and a listening ear is important.

How long have you felt this way, have you felt like this for a long time. It sounds like there is no communication in your marriage. When there is a lack of communication there is always a break down of a marriage. It is up to both partners whether they make the effort to make it work or whether it is time to move on.

That is really really sad that you think being sexual to your husband is a duty. Very sad. Sexuality, being sexual with a partner. There is much more to that then duty. It should be about love making, communication, caring and wanting to be in each others arms, holding each other and being there for each other because you both want to be.

Start counseling for yourself. Then you need to take some steps to change how you look and deal with things and if nothing improves after this then you need to make some real hard decisions.

Joe

shygrneyzs · Mar 12, 2007, 05:05 PM

Yes, you are miserable in your life. So now, what can you do? Like Ruby and Joe stated, start by getting help for yourself. You cannot change your husband - you cannot force him to change - you cannot affect his behavior with anything you say. For twelve years you have done it all - super mom, super wife, super employee. And the burn out shows.

Getting professional help for yourself is one of the first steps to take. If you have not yet read any literature, at least try some online resources. Marriage Builders has a good article, "Why Women Leave" Why Women Leave Men

Finding a support group will help you gain insight into your marriage. Often you will see that you are not alone. No, not alone at all. Sadly, there are many women who experience what you go through on a daily basis.

Your husband is not likely to change by his own free will. And when you think of it, why should he? He does not have to do anything, everything is done for him. You have replaced his Mother and his Mother made sure all was well. He comes home to a nice meal, a clean home, and he is lord of the mansion so to speak. He has no incentive to change, no incentive to go to counseling. Anything he would hear in counseling - he would block, most likely.

When I first went to counseling, my therapist, who has been one of my college instructors said this, "many of life's miseries are optional." He was right. There is not going to be anyone who is going to rescue you, but you. If you do not create a chapter in your life, no one else is. You can only be responsible for your actions on this. Waiting for your husband to move on it, you will be there another 12 years.

Now it could be, could well be, that once he see you mean business and will not take the back seat anymore, that he does come to his senses. I truly hope that happens. I do not like to see marriages dissolve. But you need to make plans for yourself. You need to decide what is really best for you. The pros and cons of staying where you are so miserable. Why you would stay versus Why it is important to leave. Do not use the children in the equation, as in making them the reason for staying. Children are very perceptive to things going on. They do not want to be played by either parent. Even though they may say they do not want the change - they deserve the chance to be in a healthy environment. Also, do not use your children as a buffer between you and your husband. Do not air your problems with your children. They are not emotionally equipped to listen and understand. It just makes them feel guilty, as if to say that the problems would not be there, if not for the children.

I am wishing you the best here. Hope you also read through some of the other postsing about marriage and unhealthy relationships. Many people have gone through similar circumstances. The replies might help you also.

talaniman · Mar 14, 2007, 06:31 AM

I'm trying to figure out why you have to work two jobs? Seems to me that you have been doing too much, for two long and with little reward. You can't change your husband but you can change yourself, as you deserve to be happy like anyone else. I think your out look would change if you weren't working yourself to death.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 14, 2007, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by glowpres

I guess I am hoping that things will improve.

It takes more than that and in all fairness, its true for each of us. Take some action or expect the same results of your inaction. Its really that simple.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2007, 07:20 AM

But I am afraid to take that step.

I realise that change brings out the fear of shaking up our comfort zone, but be honest if the comfort zone is not happy, or what you want, then change is so necessary that you must act. You don't have to change the whole world at once but you can clean up part of your room. Make that one step and then another, small as they may seem, they will lead you down a path in due time. Nothing wrong with slowly as long as you work steadily toward the goal.

valinors_sorrow · Mar 15, 2007, 07:40 AM

glowpres agrees: I realize that if I don't do something drastic, things won't change. But I am afraid to take that step.

Then perhaps you would be better served by posting about being trapped by your fear instead? You might be surprised (and helped) by what kind of responses you would get about that topic.

thisllub · Mar 21, 2007, 12:17 AM

Originally Posted by glowpres

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. I have been through it all with him - drug problems, baby mama drama, cave man mentality, etc. I am a working wife (2 jobs). I cook, clean, take care of the kids and all other household duties, including my wifely sexual duties. He does not help out around the house, he does not help with the kids, he does not do anything with me. He does work, and likes to go out with the guys. I hae repeately stressed to him that I am not happy with the ways things are. I let him know what I need help with and I suggested marriage counseling. He outright told me no to marriage counseling and he does not try to improve in any of the things I mentioned earlier. What should I do? I am miseralble. I guess I am hoping that things will improve.

Trust me girl-things won't improve! I wish I could say if you do this or that, it will all get better-it won't happen like that,sorry. You've told him,asked him,no doubt begged & demanded. Babe itsfalling on deaf ars-he's heard all before & you're still there ding it all, just moaning-thats how he see it! If you love him, tell, then tell him one more time how you feel, then leave him, because of the reasons you stated! Don't look back, leave, be very patient, keep a sneaky eye on him if you must, via friends etc, but DO NOT go back until he's begging, then if you still love him, give him one final chance. If he fails-GO! Never go back- yep, its harsh, its real hard to do, but so is life & you only get one of them, of new & better husbands are a bit more than just the one! Don't waste your life girl-go get one! Show him you are the best he'll ever get! It may take years, it may work, it might never make him change, but you DO deserve better!!

vlee · Mar 21, 2007, 07:16 AM

Your husband seems to show no consideration for your feelings or happiness. After 12 years of all that effort you must be EXHAUSTED! I commend you in being able to put up with it for this long. I agree that even if you husband isn't willing, you should go to a family/marriage counselor. They can help you gain perspective, guide you into positive changes, and support you emotionally. I would imagine by now you are questioning yourself... "Am I asking for too much? Don't I deserve to be happy too? Why does he ignore my pleas?" etc... A counselor will help you find answers and try to improve your marriage. If he is unwilling to change and you are emotionally and mentally drained, you may have to proceed with a separation or divorce if you want to be happy again. For your sake and that of your children, I hope that your husband decides to share in the effort to rebuild your marriage, but if he doesn't, please think about yourself. You only live once. You should at least enjoy it.