[thoughtiwastheman]

Ok, I'll try and keep this short. I had been in a relationship with this girl for 6 years but recently she said that she is not as in love with me as I am with her. We both have three months left of college and neither one of us have ever dated anyone else or had any experience with anyone else. To make things harder, we grew up in the same community, so practically I've known her for the majority of my life. I am 23 now and she is 22 and we close to each other when we are home and we are both planning on working and living in our city.
When she brought up the idea of taking a break I was completely shocked. I begged and tried to talk her out of it, but each and every time she would just say that she needed experience and that she wanted to use the last three months of school to gain that experience by dating other people. I of course could not even put myself in the position to date other people but she was determined to do so. She said that for the first time she had started to notice other guys and she just wants to see how it is to date other people.
Here is the f**ked up part. She said she still loved me and wants to be with me forever that she she was going to come back after the three months was over. This I did not believe. How can anyone put a time limit on their emotions. So for the first three and a half weeks I tried talking her out of it. I even dumped her a couple of times and then called back because that was not what I wanted. Eventually I decided to support her by letting her do she wanted to do. She would always pick up my phone calls when I called and would always tell me everything she was doing. She would tell me who she was with, where they had gone, what she did, and so on. At first I thought it was a good sign that she was telling me all these things, but I started to notice that I was hurting myself. When I told her how all this was making me feel and what I was going through, she told me that "I" was causing it to myself and that she was just having fun. A couple of times she even admitted she was being selfish and said she was sorry for what she was doing but that she had to do it.
The first few weeks I was completely heartbroken because I thought it was my fault that this had happened, especially since I didn't trust her. I trusted her but because of the environment that was brought up and the household I grew up in, I grew up not really giving anyone 100% of my trust so that I don't get hurt. So for the first few weeks I blamed myself because I knew that trust had a lot to do with it. I communicated this to her and told her that if I loved her (which I do) that I was prepared to hurt her 100% whether I get hurt or not, but yet again, she said that she had to do this. What was worse was the fact that she kept saying, "I love you," "I just want to take a break," and when I asked her if she was in love with me she would say, "I don't know." All this drove me nuts because I felt like I was plan me (what if she finds someone she really liked in three months). I felt like she was keeping me in a state of quasi-relationship.
So after much begging (I know this was bad and I shouldn't have done it) and being "supportive" I had a conversation with a friend of mine that had the same thing happen to him once and he told me how pissed off he was that this had happened to me and that I should visit this web site. He told me that I had lost all the power in the relationship and that I had become too predictable and no longer a challenge. He also told me that I needed to not have any contact with her for at least two months. Not because she'll come back, but because it would help me move on. He went on to tell me that I needed to stop being nice to her which I agree with. I pampered this girl way too much. So, because I had lost so much control, he told me that the next time she calls that I should not pick up and wait a half hour or so and call her back and give her a piece of mind and to totally break it off. So I did. I went off on her and told her that she through away our 6 years and that I was not about to seat around for three months for her to get back. I told her to never to call me again, text message me, or communicate with me in way. I then hung up on her.


Now my question: Should I have told her to never communicate with me again? (She hasn't called back and I don't plan on calling her back either). If not, is there a way I can fix this problem without giving her the little power I am starting to get back. I mean, if she really wanted to get back with me later on (not banking on it), do you guys think she will still call after I told her not to or should I call back after the three months she had originally asked for? Did I overreact? Thanks for all the help.

[valinors_sorrow]

If, after all this time together, you two aren't further along than playing power games like this, then its time to really call it off for good and look to doing a bit of growning up. Relationships aren't built on manipulation, which is what you are trying to do. But they aren't built on selfish breaches of trust either, which is what she has done and quite unilaterally it seemed.

The real world works much more direct. It requires good communication and solutions that work for BOTH people in order to consider it a real relationship. You need to recognise how much you both missed that mark. How your relationship was so immature it lacked the appropriate commitment and communication to sustain it through a rough patch. I am sorry for your loss but I can assure you that if you let it go from here, what comes in time after the pain subsides is the necessary awaremess and maturity that will attract and keep a lasting relationship.

[grammadidi]

Well, you ask if you can still fix the problem if you made a mistake in telling her to never communicate with you again, so it sounds to me that believe in your love and don't want to end things. Therefore you made a mistake, right? I guess it depends upon what you want.

There are a lot of things here. The thing that jumps out at me the most is that if you two have been in a relationship since she was 16 and you 17. Thus, neither one of you has had the opportunity to KNOW if your feelings are truly love, or something borne of caring, closeness and habit. I don't think it is unreasonable for you both to question this, and if you truly love her then you have no choice but to let her go and work this out for herself. You should also date other people, concentrate on experiencing life without her. If it is meant to be, you will both figure it out soon enough.

So, as I see it, you have two choices here. You can forget it and move on, or you can give her the space she needs (while taking the same for yourself) and trust that if the feelings between you are true that you will both find you way back to each other. If you chose the second, then you should probably call her and let her know that you finally 'get' it. Tell her that you agree that with you both being so young when you started your relationship and knowing that you both have nothing to compare it to, that it only makes sense that both of you should take a break to make sure that it really is each other that you want to spend your lives with.

Tell her you are sorry, and that you won't give her a hard time about it, because if it is meant to be, you know that she will be in touch by the time the three months are up. Let her know that you will also date other people, so that at the end of the three month period if you both still feel the way you do now, there can be no doubt that your relationship will endure. Tell her that you are willing to give her the space she needs, and look forward to hearing from her within the next three months.

Then, assure her that you will not bother her at all during the next three months, that you will wait for her to contact you and if she doesn't call you by the end of the three month period you will know that she has decided to move on, and you will respect her decision and let go gracefully, because you do love her and above all else you want her to be happy.

I really don't see that you have any other choice if you believe that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You both need to experience dating other people so you have something to compare to.

Best of luck!

Didi

[thoughtiwastheman]

Didi I'm sorry. I meant to agree with your advise

[grammadidi]

No problem. I understand. I hope that some of what I said helps.

Didi

[thoughtiwastheman]

So was the 6 years for nothing?

[grammadidi]

No, it was to prepare you for the future... whether it is with her or not. We determine what we want in our permanent relationships/marriages based upon our past ones. If she or you decides that you are not going to continue the relationship after seeing other people then you have saved each other from a lot of pain. If you decide you do want to be together then you have learned a valuable lesson and both will cherish the relationship and be faithful and true to one another through the hard times.

It really will work out for the best.

Didi

[thoughtiwastheman]

Just another question, is three months really enough? Should I buy that?

[grammadidi]

It may be, or it may not. The thing is, you are not supposed to be 'buying' anything. She knows that she needs to explore her feelings. She doesn't know how long it will take. I am assuming she will have a pretty good idea by then... as should you. I presume she used three months because she felt a need to tell you something.

Look, neither one of you has any experience with anyone other than yourselves. You both need to try it out before making a lifetime commitment for sure. She could have cheated on you but she didn't. Take advantage of the break to date other women, think about the situation, etc. Normally I would be kind of down on the woman who did/said this. But I feel in this case that you both need this. I think she has really given the future some thought, and is handling it in the best way possible. Maybe she is worried that you will want someone else 10 years down the road. She's not running off to sleep with someone else, she just wants to date them. This should solidify your relationship if you are both in love, or end it gracefully if you are not.

She could have ended the relationship totally. I think the fact that she wants a time limit on it is a good sign.

Didi

[thoughtiwastheman]

I've done it. I called her back and told her that I never meant to end things the way that I did and that I still want to remain goods friends, but that we should not talk to each other until graduation at least. I told her that she was right that we both need to date other people and that we are both still young and that I would rather have this happen to me now than later on in life. I ended my wishing her and her relationship(s) well.

[valinors_sorrow]

The thing is, when you look at the world and how people in it make things work... almost no relationship survives what you are describing. Sure, you could be some major exception to the rule. But if you aren't going to set yourself up for a big disappointment here, then it needs to be tempered by the fact that people don't routinely successfully negoitate taking a break like you have orchestrated to come back together successfully later. We see too many failure stories of how the time apart works against them posted here all the time.

We hear about the so-called "infidelities" (is it infidelity while on break?) and how that eats at people. And those who do get back together face the original problems that caused the break as that is all still unresolved. When you've been reading threads here a long time, you begin to see that getting someone back is either not possible or not worth it. The few who got someone back only broke up again later! Don't take my word for it -- ask anyone who has posted here a long time.

You may not have liked my answer but it was as realistic and complete as I know how to make it. We all had a protracted debate here about how to make a break work and as it turned out, I was the only one who listed having any personal successful experience with it. It was not however a break up, which is what you have. So far no one else has commented on how that kind of break up works out in the long run.

Don't be living in the clouds on this is all I am suggesting or you'll add to your hurt yourself doing that. Relationships are complicated things. Imagine for a moment how coming back together, different people now for all the experience you've acquired but too easily thinking you are still the same is going to work? I think that's a recipe for too complicated when you two aren't even managing the ordinarily complicated yet. I mean you no ill will -- just a fighting chance at knowing the score and making sound decisions from there. That's all.

I politely disagree with Didi, think none of this is a good sign and that you both tried on something adult too soon and this is the natural outcome for that. The number of people who have done exactly what you two have done who can confirm that they did not get the relationship back and it turned out for the best is very large -- you only need to look around in the world. I hope for your sake you are the exception.

[talaniman]

I don't know what your future holds, but it does sound like you two were growing apart. The next 3 months will be hell unless you commit to staying busy and getting a life that you enjoy without her, by exploring your world and doing what it takes not only to finish school, but pursue what comes after. To wait for her to come back would not be in your long term interest at this point. There is a big world waiting for you, so concentrate on yourself.

[grammadidi]

I am so glad that you were able to do this. You have left things in such a way that you likely won't have any regrets. Now you can both get on with growing and living (not just waiting around for 3 months to pass!) and both of you can do this without guilt. If you grow apart, then at least you did so as friends and have been working at moving past the relationship so it won't be so devastating to you both; and if you both determine that you want to continue the relationship then at least you haven't shut any doors.

Didi

I've done it. I called her back and told her that I never meant to end things the way that I did and that I still want to remain goods friends, but that we should not talk to each other until graduation at least. I told her that she was right that we both need to date other people and that we are both still young and that I would rather have this happen to me now than later on in life. I ended my wishing her and her relationship(s) well.

[s_cianci]

You didn't overreact and yes, if she wants to get back with you she will contact you. She probably has all the more respect for you now because you stood up for yourself and you made yourself all the more attractive to her. That doesn't guarantee she'll eventually want to get back together with you but you've certainly upped the odds in your favor. Now continue to stick by your guns and don't back off.

[thoughtiwastheman]

I agree. I especially like the last sentence that you wrote.

[thoughtiwastheman]

Ok, here is another small problem. I haven't spoken to her in two days and I don't plan on doing so for a long time. The problem that I am having now is this. I have deleted her phone number from my cell and the passwords she had to some of my accounts have been changed. She on the other hand has not changed any of her passwords (all her passwords has a combination of our names and something related to us). If you are trying to move on, shouldn't you do everything to forget that person? I mean, she is talking to some other guy now so why not feel some type of awkwardness in typing passwords that have combinations of our names? The reason why I know she hasn't switched it is because I have checked and made sure of it. Its making it harder for me to move on because I keep finding myself logging into her different accounts when I know I shouldn't be. I would like to tell her to switch her passwords but I know I can't. What does this all mean?

[valinors_sorrow]

Its making it harder for me to move on because I keep finding myself logging into her different accounts when I know I shouldn't be. I would like to tell her to switch her passwords but I know I can't. What does this all mean?

First of all, this is you doing it to you. Are you telling us you can't control yourself?

Second of all, thoughtiwastheman, real men (and real women) don't do things like this-- its dishonest at best and totally unnecessary.
I mean holy cow, why??

And finally, what she does or doesn't do is at this point none of your business. The sooner you figure out where the boundaries are, the better off everyone will be.

I don't mean to sound harsh but this is just asking for trouble now. LOL

[grammadidi]

You are NOT letting go, plain and simple. As long as you continue to go into her email accounts and such you are giving her a tremendous power over you. Maybe she just didn't think you would do something so low! Maybe she is so busy trying to do what she needs to do to sort herself out that she isn't wasting time on things like that.

That is exactly where you should be. Let go, concentrate on YOUR stuff. You have WAAAAAY too much time on your hands if you have time to do that, and right now, you need to occupy your time and thoughts with lots of other stuff. Every time you think of her you need to do something else. Go out, go for a walk, go swimming, call a buddy, study, whatever you can to get over the thought. It's like an addiction. The need will gradually lessen. But you have to do your part.

Didi

[thoughtiwastheman]

I'm trying. Eventually I know I will get there. I just hope you guys understand how hard this is. This is the toughest thing I have ever had to face.

[valinors_sorrow]

At 23 you will face many tough things on your way to full adulthood. This will only be one of them. If you are to succeed in any of them, you'll have to get a better hold of yourself and lose the "I can't help it" attitude. Like Yoda says... "There is do or do not. There is no try." If you want a relationship that can survive your childhood, then you have to be prepared to be an adult. That means no more doing childish things, frankly. It means acquiring a sense of honor in place of self-centered lack of discipline. You may need to tailgate a mentor to get there or you may need professional help if you remain stuck like this. Either way, at 23, what you do is on you-- like it or not, that is how the world will see it. And don't be shooting the messenger anymore either, please! LOL I did not make up the rules to how the world works, I only acknowledge them easily.