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harmankrsethi · Jul 3, 2012, 11:18 PM

I got married this year febrary. My wife is not ready to adjust with my family. Even though my family care for her alooot. I don't know what she want.. I am very caring to him still she complaints that m not caring. She complaints about me to my family and she complaints about my family to me.. she doesn't do any work at my home my younger sister who is 5 yrs younger then her does aloooot of work and my mom does a lot of work. She don't even contribute financially even though she is working in a government department. It is just 4 months and she is not ready to adjust at all. She even make us afraid by saying she will go to women cell and say we are demanding dowry to her.

Me and my family is very depressed.. please help somebody. How to control her.

joypulv · Jul 3, 2012, 11:30 PM

First, are you the mother in law, as your title says, or are you the husband, as your question says?
Second, what country and kind of culture do you live in?
Was this an arranged marriage, and what kind of 'women cell' would she go to to complain? (I do agree that a working wife should contribute money to the household, but this is complicated when the husband's family are living in the same house. She may feel that she is expected to support everyone. I personally think a young married couple should get a place of their own, even if it's not as nice.)

harmankrsethi · Jul 4, 2012, 12:23 AM

Actually I am sister. I was writing on my brother's behalf. We are living in New Delhi (INDIA). Yes it was arranged marriage. One thing I also want to tell you that we all are working we four members and independent and still is not at all happy with us. Can this problem have a solution. My brother got v frustated by his life after his marriage. Please help me what to do.

joypulv · Jul 4, 2012, 03:39 AM

I can't really address problems with arranged marriages and dowries (being in the US), but it seems to me that the parents of both of them should solve the financial contribution part together. Perhaps if it's clear that 4 working people (husband, wife, mother in law, and sister) contribute a percentage of their salary to a 'house account' then she will be more willing to accept this situation. If she isn't happy living with in-laws, and expected to live alone with her husband, then she and her husband need to talk about if they can afford to do so. She isn't here to tell us why she is unhappy so I'm just guessing, but most marital problems are about money, studies show.

harmankrsethi · Jul 4, 2012, 04:31 AM

But what is the solution to this problem. Because I don't want my brother to take any wrong decision because as I told you he got very frustated from his life since he got married. He has to listen to us and from his wife too. He seems to be helpless and we too but the problem is she(his wife) can see our problems and not ready to share his problems...

Fr_Chuck · Jul 4, 2012, 06:18 AM

There are no "rules" to make someone like a family, it appears she did not want the arranged marriage but did it anyway. She may never be happy.

joypulv · Jul 4, 2012, 06:31 AM

I told you what I think is the beginning to a solution. If you think there is some 'marriage law' that governs this, I think you are mistaken. If your religion has rules about dowries, talk to your religious leader (but I don't see how a dowry would apply after the marriage). If you think you can force someone to work around the house, I know for a fact that you cannot, whether she should or she shouldn't. If your brother doesn't like this marriage, he should see about a divorce. If all 3 women are fighting over housework and money, I feel very, very sorry for your brother! You don't sound like you understand that life is about talking and compromise and finding solutions together, not 'controlling' someone.

NeedKarma · Jul 4, 2012, 06:45 AM

We really need to have a board specific to cultural issues pertaining to India, hopefully populated from people from that same culture. There is no way us westerners can give counsel on long standing cultural issues that exist there.

JudyKayTee · Jul 4, 2012, 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

We really need to have a board specific to cultural issues pertaining to India, hopefully populated from people from that same culture. There is no way us westerners can give counsel on long standing cultural issues that exist there.

I made this request again last week - I also asked a member to post something on the subject because she is in India and posts on relationship boards, advice which very often would be insulting in the US. For example, to "make" someone love you the advice is to shave your armpits and wear clothing which shows the armpits to the man you are attempting to involve in a relationship.

So far, nothing.

My concern is that this poster wants to "correct" an "evil" daughter in law. This is more about ownership and control and less about love and a relationship. I just can't understand the thinking.