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Silver Lining · Jun 28, 2012, 02:40 AM

Hi,

My Daughter started play school on 4th June. She leaves home at 8 and bac at 11. Since the day she was born, she has not been away from me for more than 5 minutes.
She cries every morning when I leave her there and I find her crying when I go to pick her up.
Once back at home, she follows me everywhere.
She has to have her leg/head/hands on me when she sleeps at noon.
She refuses to eat
She refuses to go to her dad
I donno how I can convince her that school is good and that she shouldn cry. She is just 2 1/2 years. She has made frens there but the crying doesn't stop.

Please help me...

joypulv · Jun 28, 2012, 02:55 AM

I wouldn't make her go. I have a feeling something about your break up with her dad created some fears in her that need addressing - mainly the possibility that you will break up with her (or that you are doing so each time you drop her at day school).
I would sit her on your lap and tell her that you will never ever leave her, and that you won't make her go to school until she is ready. There's no need yet for a lecture about kindergarten or even 6 months from now, because she can't think into the future that way. Tell her how happy you are that she made some little friends and how good it is to have friends to play with, because mommies aren't as good at playing when they are all grown up. Talk about those friends each day. Ask her if she will go one day a week just to see those friends and not lose touch with them. Ask her if it would be fun to have one of them over for afternoon play time, with her mommy.
If no amount of soft talking helps, take her to a therapist for 1 or 2 trial visits.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 28, 2012, 06:20 AM

The crying stops most likely about 3 min after you are out of sight, and sorry but I have seen 1000's of mothers leaving kids at centers over the years, it starts with mom's I will miss you , you be good, too much looking back and so on.

You take your child in, sign her in and walk away, not looking back. Sorry but I bet she is over it within minutes and off playing.

If she was crying the entire time she would not be making friends.

2 1/2 often just refuse to eat and are picky eaters, so they don't eat this meal, don't allow snacks and I bet they eat their next meal.
I have seen too many parents, the child is not eating meals, but they are given snacks between parents are not thinking about.

Silver Lining · Jun 28, 2012, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I wouldn't make her go. I have a feeling something about your break up with her dad created some fears in her that need addressing - mainly the possibility that you will break up with her (or that you are doing so each time you drop her at day school).

OMG,, what makes you think m separated? When I mentioned she is not ready to go to her dad, I meant she want's no one but me,, her dad and I are crazy about each other and nothing can separate us...

M sorry,, I should have been more specific

Silver Lining · Jun 28, 2012, 11:01 PM

Fr_Chuck,, thank u,, well, her teachers say she stops crying after a while,, but starts once they take her out to play (that's where I drop her off), and doesn't stop until m there. I hope it stops soon.
Every morning, as soon as she is up, she cries,, I neither say yes, nor say no. I get her ready and leave her at the school gates and don look back.
My husband said he'l take care of her for an hour or two every morning, so that she learns to be away from me. Do you think it's a good idea?

As for eating habits, I make sure I don't give her anything before/in-between meals. I treat her with a very small piece of chocolate, ONLY if she finishes her food. Some say it's a bad idea,, bribing is not good,, but if it helps me feed her, why not? I don bribe her to do everything.

She is a sweet kid,, apart from eating, she does everything I ask her to, and no bribes...

taxesforaliens · Jun 29, 2012, 08:56 PM

It's hard for a child to see the big picture.
My son had trouble letting go of me the last few months (even though he goes to daycare for 4 years already).
Our daycare center has a development a specialist and she suggested we create a drop off book showing our routine from getting out of bed until I leave him at daycare. He drew picture for breakfast/brushing teeth/going to daycare/me reading him a story at daycare/ giving hugs and leaving. We put them in a folder and read it in the evening before he goes to sleep It really helped and he stopped crying and attaching to my leg after a week of this routine. You could make the book a little longer to include play time at the daycare and pick up. So she will always be reminded that they will go outside to the playground once without you being there.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 29, 2012, 09:04 PM

Yes, smaller trips out with others for events helps

Alty · Jun 29, 2012, 09:13 PM

I've been here. My son was super clingy. I literally had to sneak out of the room during playschool, or the teachers would have to hold him, crying and screaming, while I made my escape. It ended with me crying all the way home, wondering if I was doing the right thing.

After a few months, when he realized that playschool was fun, and that I would be coming back, he settled in. I thought we were over the hurdle. We weren't.

In Kindergarten I once again had to sneak out, or have the teachers hold him while I left. He was always fine when I came to get him, loved school, but every morning it was the same thing. Once again a few months in he was fine.

Then grade one came along, and grade two. Same thing for the first few months of school.

It was hell.

I realized that a large part of the reason he cried was because of my reaction to it. It broke my heart, and I didn't hide it well.

In grade 3 I changed tactics. I took him to school the first few days, but registered him to take the bus. The first few days he cried, like usual, and I just gave him a hug, told him I'd see him after school, and walked away. When I went to pick him up I didn't acknowledge his behavior that morning, I just acted like I barely knew he was gone. Then he started taking the bus. We had a few hiccups with that, but after a week or so he got used to it, and after that it was all smooth sailing.

Instead of letting her cling to you when you're at home, go out, get your nails done, go shopping, or go for coffee with a friend. Leave her home with her daddy. Don't make a big deal about it, just say "I'm going out for a while, see you later".

The more you let her cling to you at home, the more you're around for her to cling to, the worse it will be. You have to allow her to separate from you a bit. To enjoy being with other people, and even being alone.

It's not easy, and there will be times where you will be crying more than she is, but it's necessary. It's time to cut the apron strings. Not sever, just a little cut. :)

Wondergirl · Jun 29, 2012, 09:27 PM

My younger son would quiz me when he got home from preschool: "What did you do while I was gone?" and the kicker, "Did you have fun without me?"

joypulv · Jun 29, 2012, 11:05 PM

I should have noticed that you wrote 'she refuses to go to her dad' and not 'her dad's.'
Sorry!

Alty · Jun 30, 2012, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

I should have noticed that you wrote 'she refuses to go to her dad' and not 'her dad's.'
Sorry!

It happens Joy. The written word is really a very poor way to communicate. ;)

LadyToni · Jul 1, 2012, 07:57 PM

Is there any reason why at 2 1/2 she has to go to school? Kids are all different, perhaps she is just not ready to be away from you. Try again in a few months if you can wait. If she misses her friends let her know that she can see them again if she goes to school, but she needs to want to be there.

Silver Lining · Jul 3, 2012, 02:00 AM

Joypulv, no problem,, u don need to apologise,, :)

Silver Lining · Jul 3, 2012, 02:08 AM

Originally Posted by LadyToni

Is there any reason why at 2 1/2 she has to go to school? Kids are all different, perhaps she is just not ready to be away from you. Try again in a few months if you can wait. If she misses her friends let her know that she can see them again if she goes to school, but she needs to want to be there.

It's not just school,, she just won't go anywhere without me,,
We decided to join her to school because she is so clingy,, I wanted her to get adjusted to being away from me, making friends, talking to others etc. getting her adjusted to real school (this is kind of a playhome).

I left her with my mom and brother once when I had to visit the doctor. She was crying so much that mom had to get her to the hospital. She refused to eat, threw tantrums, ran away from mom and bro, didn't let anything calm her... not even goodies. She kept asking for me. She calmed down as soon as she saw me.

After this episode we decided to admit her to school immediately.

Silver Lining · Jul 3, 2012, 02:12 AM

Originally Posted by Alty

Instead of letting her cling to you when you're at home, go out, get your nails done, go shopping, or go for coffee with a friend. Leave her home with her daddy. Don't make a big deal about it, just say "I'm going out for a while, see you later".

The more you let her cling to you at home, the more you're around for her to cling to, the worse it will be. You have to allow her to separate from you a bit. To enjoy being with other people, and even being alone.

It's not easy, and there will be times where you will be crying more than she is, but it's necessary. It's time to cut the apron strings. Not sever, just a little cut. :)

Your absolutely right,, but one small problem is, her dad works late. He leaves early, comes late. We hardly get time. He offered to look after her whenever he gets time, but he NEVER gets time.
My parents stay a night's journey away. So do my in-laws. I'v no relatives near by that I can leave her with.

Somehow my husband needs to make time. Come home soon.

LadyToni · Jul 4, 2012, 08:01 PM

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

it's not just school,,, she just wont go anywhere without me,,,
we decided to join her to school because she is so clingy,,, i wanted her to get adjusted to being away from me, making friends, talking to others etc. getting her adjusted to real school (this is kind of a playhome).

i left her with my mom and brother once when i had to visit the doctor. She was crying so much that mom had to get her to the hospital. she refused to eat, threw tantrums, ran away from mom n bro, didn let anything calm her... not even goodies. she kept asking for me. she calmed down as soon as she saw me.

after this episode we decided to admit her to school immediately.

Thanks for the clarification. Have you tried doing a parents day off? These are one or two times a week and are usually for a few hours. Kids get a chance to interact with other children and they also get the coping skills they need to handle being without a parent for awhile. Each child is going to react differently, my own was uncertain until he saw the other boys he could play with and the blocks and other toys he could play with. Instantly he forgot about me in his desire to get with those other kids having fun. Some kids have a harder time with a separation even for a short time. If there has not been an issue of your daughter getting lost or separated then I wouldn't worry about it, just go slow. Let her know that this isn't a punishment but you have things that you have to do, doctors, shopping, etc. that need to be done alone. Is there a specific activity that she likes to do? You might make that a goal for her, if she likes to go to a local park tell her that if you get good reports from school at the end of the week or whatever time you designate, will be a park outing.

Silver Lining · Jul 5, 2012, 02:19 AM

I tried taking her to the park,, as soon as she spots me talking to someone, she comes running back to me,, then, she just refuses to go. She just refuses to let me out of her sight. From today, I'l be going to gym in the evening, while my husband looks after our daughter. I hope she gets adjusted to my absence.
Past 2 days, my husband and I have been taking her out on a walk which she loves. Today, I told her she can join us in the evening, ONLY if she goes to school and doesn't cry. Her teacher said she was much better than before... I guess it's working... I hope it'l work in future too...

LadyToni · Jul 5, 2012, 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

i tried taking her to the park,,, as soon as she spots me talking to someone, she comes running back to me,,, then, she just refuses to go. she just refuses to let me out of her sight. from today, i'l be going to gym in the evening, while my husband looks after our daughter. i hope she gets adjusted to my absence.
past 2 days, my husband n i have been taking her out on a walk which she loves. today, i told her she can join us in the evening, ONLY if she goes to school and doesn't cry. her teacher said she was much better than before... i guess it's working... i hope it'l work in future too....

I'm glad that it is working letting her come on walks if she goes to school and doesn't cry. Hope that it keeps working for you. Keep working it like that. When kids are young and their whole world is mom sometimes change is a problem. Just like kids are weened off a bottle and started on solid food, you need to 'wen' her to introduce new people and circumstances in her life.

Silver Lining · Jul 9, 2012, 04:28 AM

Fortunately she is getting settled,, past 2 days, I'v been going out alone for an hour after our walk, and she plays with her dad at home,, we'r trying to get her adjusted to my absence,,

Any idea how long it'l take for her to stop crying in the morning? It hurts me to let her go when she cries so much...

Alty · Jul 9, 2012, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

fortunately she is getting settled,,, past 2 days, i'v been going out alone for an hour after our walk, and she plays with her dad at home,,, we'r trying to get her adjusted to my absence,,,

any idea how long it'l take for her to stop crying in the morning? it hurts me to let her go when she cries so much....

It can take a while. Some kids settle down immediately, and never have issues again. Some kids can milk it for months. And I do mean milk it, because she knows that it hurts you, and she's using that to get you to stay with her.

No matter how you feel about it, and I know it hurts, you have to put on a brave face. Drop her off, say "Okay sweetie, see you in a few hours, have fun". Give her a hug, and walk out, then go cry in your car (I know you are, because I did too! ;)). No coddling, no "I'll miss you too", or anything to confirm that leaving you is a bad thing.

It took my son a few months before he stopped crying, and that was at the beginning of every school year. It's hell, pure hell, but they need to learn that they can be away from you, have fun, and that's okay. :)